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How did my ex get over me so quickly?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 August 2005) 3 Answers - (Newest, 22 July 2006)
A male , anonymous writes:

I'll try and be as brief as I can. There's a lot to explain.

I have been a victim of long distance relationships in the past. For the first six months of being with my girlfriend, it was amazing. She went to university last September and I felt deep down it wouldn't work out. So, I was very casual with our relationship. I loved her, but I got used to it being a "stop/start" relationship. My girlfriend was the opposite and grew closer to me. As you can imagine, it got tense. So at the end of May, my girlfriend and I agreed on a break. It was my suggestion. I knew I cared for her, but I needed to figure out what I had to do to make her happy.

She was very hurt during the break. We cut contact for a while. I realised in that time how much I loved her and what an idiot I was being for worrying about what MIGHT happen. I was ignoring the present and worrying about the future. What I didn't realise, was that in the "break", my girlfriend assumed I would dump her at the end of the break and she got over me. We didn't tell each other any of this.

She got back from university in the summer and I told her how I felt. She said she loved me, but when she got back from university, she seemed very reluctant. I told her that I had changed and I would move closer to her when she's at university because I love her. I know I was wrong and I want/ed to make things right. I knew what she meant to me. The break worked.

However, she avoided me. She was always out and ignoring her phone. I later found out that she was seeing a close friend. I was very upset. I said everything and did everything I could, but she said that she doesn't want to get hurt by me again. I thought it would be a rebound thing, but it's been nearly two months. I still love her.

But, on the plus side, there's no bitterness. I am happy that she's happy. I still talk to her and her family every so often. She invited me over to her house a few weeks ago. The morning that I was due to go round, she called and said "I should warn you, James (her boyfriend) is coming too, but I still want to see you".

I went over. We get on well. They didn't seem very couple-y. Maybe that's because I was there, I don't know. I felt awkward and I told my ex it was lovely to see her, but I was in her way and I went home.

I'm in two minds. I'm happy that she's happy. But, I just don't get how she can be so heartbroken over me and then be completely happy with someone else. I was really hurt a few weeks ago obviously, but as I've said, my ex and I can talk to each other on the phone comfortably now. The only thing is, I've not told her how I feel. I've made out that I'm happy and cool with everything. But, in all honesty, I love her so so much and I will do anything for her. I feel deep down that she still cares for me, but she doesn't want to get hurt. She's going out with a friend who was there for her when I wasn't. I really have learnt my lesson. It's not a case of "don't know what you've got until it's gone" because I loved her and told her I was going to change BEFORE we officially split.

As I've said, we get on and when I do see her, I can block everything out. It's nice just to be with her. Given that she's got a boyfriend and I have to make extra effort to see her in person, do I tell her how I feel and risk losing a friend?

Any advice would be good.

View related questions: a break, heartbroken, long distance, my ex, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006):

I totally fee your pain!!!!!!!!!!!

the thing is, is she over you???? Just because she is seeing someone else does not mean she is over you..i know alot of girls who have broken off with a guy and then starting dating 2-4 weeks later but they are not over their ex...the new guy they are dating are people who can give them what they didnt have with their ex...there could be more explainations why!!!! i would talk to her....firstly to tell when someone is over you, they usually stop contact and you dont see them as often or even hear about them....but if she still keeps reguar contact and what not , tlk to her, tell her how you feel, i think you used be really going on your feelings from every angle and the way she acts around you, you can usually tell when they still love you or not!!!!!!I broke up with a guy 2 months ago because our relationship was very bad even though we were together for 2 years...i still love him but i could tell he moved on when he stop calling and textng, i didnt hear about him or anything, so one day (today actually) i asked him if he was over me and he is!!!!!!!:(...but i think in most situations you can tell...gut feelings, the way they act etc etc etc...but if you are still confused ask her...even though you might not get an answer you want, ask her...its the only way to be truely honest from my experience recently it was better finding out for sure then having anxiety and heartbrake for so i can move....

I believe your ex is your ex for a reason..i beleive it in all situations.

i also believe every day gets better and when life moves on so will you and I.....


I wish you many happiness to come!!!!!!!!!

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (26 August 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntThe thing is,if you had loved her and wanted her, then there wouldn't have been a split; you could have worked on it together rather than apart. Obviously the communication channels weren't exactly open otherwise she wouldn't have assumed you were going to dump her at the end of the break.

I'm sorry but I think this is a case of not knowing what you've got until it's gone. If you told her you were going to change before you split, why did you split? Why didn't you work togther instead of breaking up?

I think you made a bit of a mistake here as she may have felt unwanted and you treated the relationship somehwat casually before then.

But, we all make mistakes. The only trouble is that now she has found someone else. It may not have been what you two had but she has found someone. I don't think you should tell her how much you care and love her because it simply wouldn't be fair on her now. She has tried to move forward but still wishes to be friends with you.

Don't risk her friendship, continue being her friend and this is quite simple really. If she has feelings for you, she will return to you. You can't instigate this as it has to be her decision.

Let her be and play the waiting game. Of course, you don't have to, you could go out there and meet someone else but if you care for her, wait to see what happens. If she still has feelings for you, her current relationship will fizzle out.Perhaps you should give it a certain time limit (after all, you can't wait forever) and then move on yourself if necessary.

So, if we are going to quote cliches, then the best one here is 'If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, they are yours. If they don't, they never were.'

Good luck.

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A female reader, Anastasia Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (26 August 2005):

Anastasia agony auntYou sound the male version to once how I felt. Tell her how you won't lose the frienship. Just be sincere. It might not work to get her back...but at least you won't have any what-if's in your mind. She has a new bf odd as it seems to deal with you have to. Whether it works out or not up to you. The reason she got over you so quickly is because she had a distraction which is her new boyfriend. It's that simple...if she did not...she would be just as torn up as you are now. Just tell her how you feel hun...for your sake. Listen to what she says after. You should appreciate the fact that she is apprehensive because of what happened can't blame her...when a person's heart has been broken, the fear of being hurt again is very real. Once you talk to will know what to do.

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