A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:For reasons I won't get into, my wife and I stopped having sex completely at some point in the past. It has been years now since we have had any sex or even kissed. We were separated for a while before getting back together. Now that we are back together, our relationship is pretty good. However, there is still no sex.For about 6 months now, we started talking about the elephant in the room. I want that aspect of our relationship back and she says she misses it, too. The problem is that when we try to do it it feels really awkward. It is even weirder than sex with a stranger. We just don't feel that passion for each other. Kissing is just kind of gross and we feel silly about the whole sex act. (You have to admit that it's a pretty silly thing to do if you stop and look at it clinically.)Speaking from my point of view, I still am attracted to her and find her sexy as hell. However, I just have trouble treating her like I used to. I feel self-conscious and ridiculous kissing her and undressing her after so many years of familiarity. Her cold reaction to me doesn't help. She says that it's all very awkward for her after all of this time, like she's kissing her brother. I asked her what we could do and she suggested that we both get really drunk. We've done that a few times and while it makes us more uninhibited it doesn't help with the feeling of awkwardness and the lack of passion. It's all so clinical and depressing.We tried to rekindle the romance by doing some of the things we did back when we were more sexual, but when times comes for the main event we usually stall at about second base before we both admit it's not working for us. I asked my wife what she wants me to do and she has no ideas. She says it will just take time and we are making great progress. I feel that six months of getting about as far as we did on our first date is nothing to get excited about.Has anyone ever been in this situation (say after a child was born)? How did you manage to restore passion to the marriage after so long and after such a long sexual drought?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): if you two used to be intimate, and then stopped completely, it's probably because there were huge problems that were unresolved in your relationship. You dont' become closed off to someone that you once were open to, unless they did something horrible to you that broke your trust. It could have started with one person, then the other could have retaliated back and so now it goes both ways.in order to stay living together you may have buried the past and tried to focus on each other's good points, but the hurt was unresolved and thus your sense of safety in being able to be vulnerable, never got restored. It's one thing to be friends with someone - there's lots of people you can be friends with and certainly it sounds like you two are friends. But to be intimate you have to trust the other person and you have to find them attractive. It's hard to do both if you're closed off to them because of unresolved hurt and anger and resentment. Maybe you two got back together for not so good reasons like loneliness or the kids, when one or both of you were still harboring a lot of anger and resentment from the past.Instead of getting drunk, you should really dig deeper into why your feelings for each other went away to begin with. if it sounds like it's digging up the past, well, chances are the past is already still affecting the present just that you're in denial of it.if you truly love and feel emotionally safe with someone as a intimate partner - not just as a brother/sister because that's not quite "intimate" - you will be attracted to them and uninhibited to them.
A
female
reader, westbahnhof  +, writes (14 September 2011):
I think you should seek professional counsiling.. But.. i know how it feels... i have been in a relationship with a guy for so long, and i ended up living with him like sister and brother..I know what made me feel like that.. i just couldn't continue.. differences in personality and thinking, as well as some hygiene aspects made me resist.. also the way he aproached me was wrong..I say,, it all has to do with what you do before having sex.. how you approach eachother.. what you tell eachother.. you should go out, have dinner somewhere romantic.. mabye you should make some trips together,, like travel somewhere, or go to the nature together..Talk to eachother,, see what you both really like and dislike..But at the top of all that you really should seek professional counsiling...All the best
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A
female
reader, NennaHB  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 My first impression is that the thing that made you grow apart in the first place hasn't been resolved.It happened to me that after 5 months of not being with the man i loved, hooking up again and trying to get intimate after some time resulted in me feeling like i don't want to have him all over me, i discovered i was not attracted to him anymore. For me it was a matter of trust he had broken.They say trust is like glass: once broken, you can never mend it back. So if you think that what separated you cannot be fixed, try to move on.On the one hand you say you feel attracted to her, but on the other "You have to admit that it's a pretty silly thing to do if you stop and look at it". You should ask yourself if you see her in your future as your partner, friend, lover. If the answer is yes, fight for it. If all that ties you are kids, maybe you should think deeper and try to move on.The solution is in the hands of both of you.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 I recently read an article by a woman in her 50's who had been in a similar situation with her husband, they loved each other but there wasnt a spark there wasnt the initmacy.If i remember correctly, they started with a date night.They went on a proper date, they stayed at seperate places and they went on a "second" first date - they chatted they talked, they didnt talk about the past, they talked about their days, they talked about their interests. They then went to seperate places and then agreed to do this every week.Romance blosomed, they re-kindled their spark - sex was weird at first, but after that they agreed that no matter what once a week was date (which turned into sex) night, they spent all week thinking about ways to turn each other on, on sex night.Maybe just maybe that might work for you. But i think the secret is time, and knowing you both want it to work.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 September 2011):
 You have not mentioned a key ingredient in true intimacy.
Feelings!
You are attracted to her. Great. How do you FEEL about her?
You are trying to recapture passion and the two of you are looking at each other like strangers.
You made comments that sex is awkward and she feels like she is kissing her brother. She is not CONNECTED to you. I am not talking about just getting along and being kind to one another.
What you are describing is sex, not lovemaking.
That experience is missing.
I would bet that if you put the physical act to the side for now, and focused on rebuilding the relationship from a truly deep level from the inside OUT, you will see a partner who feels appreciated, cherished, and wanted for who she is, not an action she can provide.
Never underestimate the sexual power of a deeply loved woman. She will hold nothing back from you.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Well of course it's going to be awkward if you both have negative feelings and thoughts on the sex itself. And with her giving the comment that when you two kiss, it feels like she's kissing her brother, that doesn't help either. What you two have to do is change your opinion on it. Otherwise it's not going to be enjoyable. And you shouldn't have to get drunk everytime you want to be intimate with your partner. It should be a natural, beautiful experience. What I would recommend for the two of you, is to go to couple's counseling. There are some deep issues that you both have to work on. Then you should seek out help from a sex therapist- to help you restore your sex life. Wishing you the best!
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