A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OK, this is a little deep but I know some will understand where I'm coming from. My wife and I have been happily married for 14 years, but she said a couple things that have always stuck with me. She casually said one day " well if we hadn't married each other, we probably would have married someone else " and another time I asked her about remarrying if one of us were to pass and she said " well I wouldn't want to live alone ". So I guess what I'm thinking is what makes marriage so special if someone just moves on to someone else ?? Never been there, but do people just move on and pretty much forget the past ? Hope this does sound crazy, just like to think we have something special.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the comments. I know that is pretty deep thinking but I guess I just want to feel like "the love of her life". The child comparison really made sense. We all have to try to keep living when we lose someone. It doesn't mean they weren't really special and will be forgotten. I know if I lost my wife, I would carry that pain the rest of my life, regardless.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2012): What makes it special is the ability to stick it out, be there for each other in the best and worst of times, having children, making memories and sharing all of life's experiences with only each other. Waking up every morning deciding that your still making it work. People may move on, but its always a different love, sharing different expeirnces and making different memories. Each relationship/marriage is unique in its own way
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 October 2012):
 Where there was love then no you definitely do NOT forget the past relationship. When you lose someone very very special you do think of them from time to time. Or wish they were here. Or wish you could share something with them,
I adored my first husband completely. My second husband delights me every day.
I was reluctant to start dating again. My friends kept trying to set me up on dates and I resisted.
Even today photos of my first husband are still evident. Trophies he won are still displayed.
But finally I did meet my second husband . Though I did not know that at the time. And he accepted that I loved my first husband so much that he is happy for two sets of wedding photos on the table. He lives with the fact that some things are worth cherishing.
Besides we had a child. It would be disrespectful of me to ignore the need of my first child to see things representing the father of my child.
While the other children do get to see things representing their father.
If my second husband had not been mature about allowing me to continue cherishing the memory of you first husband then he would never have made the grade as my second husband, despite his many virtues
Neither man would be described as perfect. And each is or was unique and delightful in many ways.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): "So I guess what I'm thinking is what makes marriage so special if someone just moves on to someone else ?? . . . but do people just move on and pretty much forget the past ? just like to think we have something special."Not very "special" if you've been "happily married" for 14 years yet have latched on to two comments made in passing without providing any context or time-frame. Has she moved on and forgotten the past? Why are you so willing to think the worst of her based on two speculative what-ifs? Very likely you would have married other partners if you hadn't married each other, but you did marry each other. She didn't say she would remarry, she said she wouldn't want to live alone. Doesn't mean she's wouldn't live alone, just that she wouldn't want to live alone, not an unreasonable measure for an older widow.That you are clutching on to two such vague, hypothetical straws from who knows when without one other bit of reference info does not reflect favorably on you as a husband. Don't know what you want to hear, but marriage isn't very special when one spouse tortuosly interprets two hypothetical comments, neither currently applicable to the couple, as indicative of the other's specific plans or intentions and therefore the basis of a semi-accusatory over-generalization. I wonder how your wife would react knowing this is how you presented the state of your fourteen-year marriage to the world. If I was her, I would believe I had legitimate reason to question just how "special" your marriage is to you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 October 2012):
 I am married recently yet again. I'm his first wife. He is my FOURTH husband. He's more special to me than anyone now in my life.
My first husband.. well he's the father of my two sons. I will always have special feelings for him but it just didn't work out with us... interestingly enough my younger son remarked how much my new husband is like his dad... and yes they are... that always makes me wonder if I just got married too young...
my second disaster (does not even deserve the title of husband to be honest) was a huge mistake at a very very VERY bad time in my life.
my third husband.. well that's to me my biggest failure... he left me... or rather he set it up so I would FORCE him to leave me... that one leaves me sad and angry...
as for the man I am now married to... he's no prize but he's MY prize... and he is very special and dear to me...
you don't forget the past but you let it go... it's become part of who you are now and it's shaped who you've become.
there are partners I loved in my past who have contributed to who I am more than spouses in the past.
to me if i love someone enough to marry them it makes them special.... no matter how many times that happens.
i mean i have more than one child they are all special to me too.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 I divorced 8 years ago and despite only a couple of semi serious relationships since, I am single.
My marriage wasn't a good one, my husband was living a double life, so after 19 years we split, it has left huge scars in me but despite the pain, I have a pretty good life.
I couldn't think about my marriage or my first relationship after divorce for a long long time after they ended, it was too painful. Now I do flicker back to memories of happier times and they seem frozen in the past, they cannot be changed or affected and it gives me comfort to know that despite all the bad...there was good.
I think as humans we are programmed to 'let go' of people as losing loved ones is a part of life. For some people, it's just a harder task, and for others it's easy.
It's natural to want to move on but again harder for some than others.
Moving on does not have to mean moving on to another relationship, it can be moving on with personal life goals and just becoming a happy person for your family.
It seems you are a much deeper thinker than your wife but I see no reason for you to doubt your marriage or fear that she would ever forget you if you were gone...she won't, because good or bad, you are part of her picture and you still have enough future to add happy memories to...
Live for today!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Some people don't emotional attach as others do, that's not to say that they don't love the person there with, name,y you... It's just they don't attach the same way.Me I attach to things and people and my husband who I've been with now for 23yrs, I'm now coming into my 40's and if anything happened to him I could never in my mind replace what we have, so I guess for me I wouldn't even try.. Makes me sound sad haha... Now on the same hand.. Your wife may think yeah, I wouldn't want to be alone, but the reality might be so different, she will miss you that's non debateabke . However she may re-attach to someone else in a different way.. Next time just say for a laugh, yeah I would too, I'd be able to get that Barbie lookalike as girls nowadays always like the older guy.. I bet she'll have a comment and if she says something, give her a cuddle and tell her how when she says what she does it makes you feel kinda hurt as you don't want anyone to have her but you...She very lucky to have you...
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 October 2012):
 You do have something special, and the fact that you both could have had something special with someone else does not take away from what you have with each other.
In the event that you died, your wife would not simply bury you, give away all your things and move on. She would grieve. And even if she did remarry or become involved with someone else you would never be far from her thoughts. This is a fact kknown to those who take up with a widow or widower. Your wife could and probably would be happy again, but she would always carry the pain of your passing inside her.
Statistically you are more likely to remarry than your wife is.
With the billions of people in the world it is unrealistic to think your wife is the only person you could have been happy with. She is unique and what you have with her is unique, but what you'd have with someone else would also be unique.
Apply your philosophy to parents who have another child after the death of the first one. Do you think they just forgot and moved on? Do you think subsequent children erase the memory of the first one?
The refusal to move forward with life is not a reflection of love for a deceased partner just as the desire and ability to move forward is not a reflection of the lack of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): I understand where you're coming from, but a lot of people don't think the same. I ask my fiance' "pointless hypothetical questions" all the time, and he never fully understands the meaning behind them. Maybe we're just hypersensitive people, and others will never fully understand. I don't think it's because she loves you any less, but rather doesn't think about these things. You should probably sit down and have a talk, expressing these feelings if they're strong enough to want other opinions. That's what I'd do. Good luck!
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 that's what happens, we move on. some people get damaged by the experience and can't move on. some don't want to move on but most move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): well marriage is special not because it is a marriage to this person or that person, but because of what you make of it, because of the effort and time and emotions you invest into it and what you receive in return as well.That said, you can invest these things in someone else. Then it will still be special, just that it will be with someone else.you can move on (whether because of divorce or death of spouse) and grow to love someone else and marry them and build a second life with them. Doesn't detract anything from the first. It's like how having 2 kids doesn't mean it's any less special than if you had only 1 kid.and yes people whose marriages end (again whether by divorce or death of spouse) can and do move on. In fact they SHOULD move on as it would be mentally and emotionally unhealthy to live out the rest of your life never having moved on from the end of your marriage. that doesn't mean that it's quick or easy, usually it's a long drawn out process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): I was once married. To answer your question, what makes marriage so special if someone just moves on to someone else?What makes marriage special is that you know there's this someone whom you can share the rest of your life with for better or worst.. I married my ex husband becoz i was so in love with him and i really thought he was the one who will stay with me no matter what, but it turns out, his, not what i thought he was.So we decided to separate and end our marriage.It was actually my decision, he have done everything to make me stay, i didn't listen. To answer your last question, If i move on and forget the past? I move on, yeah, that's what i thought. But there are times that i still remember.. Good and bad times i shared with him. If i could turn back time, I wish i wasn't prideful.. Its not crazy asking.. its wonderful, makes me think u love your wife and stick with her, no matter what...Maybe your that one of those what i call "one out of 5 million guy out there" who's not a jerk and a player. lucky wife...
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