A
female
age
30-35,
*riaz
writes:I'm trying to make sense of my nonexistent dating life. What I've noticed is that as soon as someone wants to get serious with me, I run away. Sex is easy, but when someone shows me they want more, then I back away. Back story: My parents have a crappy marriage. My dad is the breadwinner and takes advantage of the fact that my mom can't leave him, since she relies on him financially.He bullies her and has had an affair before, which broke my mom. My mom, in turn, started verbally and emotionally abusing me. She took out all her anger and resentment towards my dad out on me, since she can't direct the anger towards my dad. (You're so fat! You're so stupid! Why can't you be more like your brother" Why did I have you" I shouldn't have had you! Etc...) Those are some of the things she said to me over the years. Plus, she's controlling and very manipulative. Needless to say, I don't like spending time with my parents. In addition, I was in a toxic friendship with a girl from college. She behaved just like my mom, and when I cut her off, she started stalking and harassing me. There were also a few creepy old men who were harassing me too. I've been seeing a therapist, and shes helped me to understand a lot of my issues, and we're working through them together. But it makes me wonder if I will ever find love, given my history and fears.I live on my own, have a great job, and am overall much happier. Ive never needed a man, and know I'll be fine without one. But I wonder what it would be like to have a bf. I just can't get past that certain point. I recently started seeing someone new, and really don't want to repeat what I've done in the past. How can I get past that point? I already feel like running, but I'm trying really hard not to push him away. What do I do?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (30 June 2019):
 You've been badly hurt in the past so you - totally understandably - have built up defenses to try to stop people hurting you again. This is sensible when it is reasoned and measured (we all need to learn from past experiences and use them to our advantage). However, YOUR reaction is affecting your life in a negative way so you need to try to rein it in so that it SERVES you, rather than ENSLAVES you.
Just because your parents had a dysfunctional marriage does not mean every relationship is like that. You know what to look out for. You know what are deal breakers for you. You know what you will not tolerate. Keep all those things in the back of your mind but give people the chance to gain your trust. There are a lot of damaged people out there who cannot have healthy relationships. However, there are also a lot of good people who, given the chance, can be good partners and help you grow emotionally.
You are working with a therapist, which is a good start. I would suggest you keep reminding yourself that nothing is final. Take things a day at a time. Just because you get into a relationship with someone does not mean you cannot walk away if things become too much or if they go wrong. Try to take it a day at a time. Don't think of years or even months down the line. Think of today.
My mother often said similar things to me as your mother did and it affected me badly for a long time until I realized what she said was about HER, not about ME. It's also ok to keep contact with family members to a minimum if that contact affects you badly.
I wish you all the best and hope you will come through this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2019): Stop looking at your parents as "your" only possible future. You are an individual, not just an extension of your mother. Your mother can no longer hurt you. You are an adult who can make her own decisions, take care of herself, you earn your own income; and your connection with your parents can be selective and controlled by your own maturity and intellect.
Therapists cannot instruct us on how to live. They cannot heal our souls or change the past. We have to seek our own freedom and pursue our own happiness. We have to let-go of the past and stop allowing it to dictate how we should feel or think. We can't have a jaded-outlook on life. Somewhere down the line, we've got to find joy and be grateful for our blessings. We need some sort of worship and spirituality to fill-in for the emptiness in our spirit. Seek the light! We need to see things from more than the perspective of our pain and unhappiness.
You've met someone. Is your relationship going to be overshadowed by your baggage; or are you going to put some of that therapy to good use? How long does it take to let-go and to decide to grow-up? How much talking about your pain will it take to let-go of it?
You are young, and you are blessed. Stop looking at life through your rear-view mirror. Look ahead, and imagine life different from what you've known it to be. Your parents are not a preview of your future; they have no control over the outcome of your relationships. That's all up to you. We live in a non-perfect world that offers no guarantees or warranties; so we live our lives one day at a time. Rejoice over your victories, and learn from your mistakes.
You have to forgive your parents, and break-free of the generational-curse of dysfunction and resentment. That demon has a grip on you; because you won't let-go of that old pain. Your mother and father have their own issues to deal with. Alight and okay...they've said and done some hurtful things. You will move forward when you allow yourself to forgive them. You will move forward when you decide to seek peace by adding spirituality to feed the spirit that starves for tranquility; and to believe in something good and bigger than your problems.
Love your parents in spite of their faults. They gave you life, but they have to deal with their own demons. Pray for them.
The reality is, their evil words were just words. Nothing hurtful ever said to you was ever proven true; but you decided to hold onto them, until they've embittered and imprisoned you. I repeat...let-go! Say a prayer, just make one up, and believe the Creator is listening.
If you have a crappy relationship or marriage, it will come from self-fulfilling prophecy. Your own negative-perspective and pessimism will distort reality, and force it into a pattern that leads to disaster and failure. You don't believe anything good lasts; and you can't believe you can find joy and hold-on to it.
Life isn't a party and happiness doesn't last 24/7. Life is a combination of good and bad. We develop coping-mechanisms, seek wisdom, listen to advice, and sort-out our own issues. Purging what is useless, and hanging onto what proves to be productive and brings us prosperity.
Through worship, I've added something to my life that gives me hope. I've forgiven people who have hurt me, and I appreciate even the tiniest of blessings. The world gets hard to live in, but I've got survival-skills and hope. I believe in God. I don't let scoffers and nonbelievers get me down, or deny me my right to believe! I hold onto hope through the bad-times; realizing you can't go through a lifetime without storms and displeasure. I pray when things get too tough, I find my peace; and give thanks regardless of how bad things may seem for the moment. I give back and try to be a blessing to others. I don't center everything around my pain and sorrows. The world does not revolve around me! I've decided to take control over what I will allow to get to me!
Enjoy your youth, allow yourself to take a chance on love. If you get hurt by it, bounce-back! We were not born to fail, sweetheart! Believe that love is real; and allow yourself to stick around long enough to find-out what it feels like. Stop viewing life through your mother's eyes. You've got your own eyes, your own spirit, and you control what comes and goes out of your life. Live it with hope and strength; and seek something higher that adds hope.
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