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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: This is very unfair, I believe...Well, I'll start with some background. My boyfriend of two years has problems with my past. Especially because when I was single, on two ocassions, I made out with strangers at the bar after half an hour of having met. I never saw them again, because I avoided them. He says he thinks I'm easy because of it, there's also the fact that years before I met him, I had a friendship with benefits with the (ex) friend that later introduced us. I never told him about this prior to dating, I only told him when he asked me, and I was scared, so at first I denied it and then (like 5 min later) I told the truth. Therefore, he also doesn't trust me.Yet, he says he loves me. And I believe him, he treats me like a queen most of the time. But something really, really unfair happened yesterday!I was wearing a low cut top. I wouldn't say my breasts were all over the place, but there was definitely some cleavage. He got mad. He said I was being easy again, that I wanted all the men to ogle me. I said that wasn't true, especially since I don't have huge breasts, just a modest B cup. I told him I liked to dress sexy for him, he said it wasn't necessary because when we're in private, he can look at me with even less clothes. He was just upset, he said no wonder I made out with the strangers after half an hour, if I'm easy and like to show off. I explained to him that sometimes, when we go out (like yesterday), I feel insecure because there are so many women with even more provocative outfits. I told him that oh yea, he can look to whomever he wants but I can't wear cleavage? He said he doesn't care about other girls showing off because they're not his girlfriends, and that even if he did ogle, so what? He said it's meaningless, and told me not to justify myself like that, because he still thinks I'm easy. He even used the "S" word... He makes me sufer so much about it! I ended up crying and this made him more upset, because I wouldn't admit that I was a s... in the past. I'll never admit that, I wasn't even sleeping around, I lost my virginity to him. How can I make him see I wasn't, and most importantly that I'm not easy in the present? That just because I like to wear sexy clothes doesn't make me a hooker? I don't wanna start dressing like a nun when all the other girls around us are showing off, and I'll look less sexy in comparison! What can I do? I'm not easy!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): I think he's having understandable human feelings but he's dealing with them in wrong and unfair ways. To start out with, he should not be picking on what you're doing during the relationship like this. Wearing a low top? He needs to get over that one. That's just being a control freak.As for the past, that's a problem. Logic is one thing but emotions are something else. He's hurt because he values you now. It hurts HIM terribly to know that other men have gotten to have you like he does for much less work/commitment than he thought you worthy of putting in. I think there is too much focus on "insecurity" with these past issues. Insecurity is his current problem. (And i agree it's a big one that HE needs to grow up and deal with.) But his issues about the past aren't just some weird character weakness that a few men suffer from. They're a pretty NORMAL part of being male that A LOT of men have. These feelings are not any kind of choice he makes to illogically punish you for a power-trip or something. He's just struggling like hell to cope with how HURT he feels over this every day. He's taking it out on you because he resents that he can't stop hurting inside over some decisions that you made. It has nothing to do with what is logical or fair. It's just involuntary emotional programming at the animal level. It's hurting him inside at least as much as he's hurting you because of it. He has no right to deal with it the way he is doing though. You deserve to be judged according to what you've done during THIS relationship with him. If you're not cheating (and if you're not showing big obvious signs of cheating or something), then he needs to cope with his own problems as best he can without taking it out on you.
A
female
reader, Philosopher  +, writes (31 August 2008):
What you should do is correct his misperceptions of a slut. Tell him that a slut is a sexually promiscuous woman. Tell him that since you lost you lost your virginity to him and have had not had intercourse since, that means you are not sexually promiscuous, therefore you are not a slut.He sounds controlling, so when he tries to control you - fight back! Compromise is a good way of stopping him from controlling you. If he refuses to compromise, then you'll have to stick with your original intentions.For example, he says he doesn't like the way you dress. Find a more extreme way of dressing and tell him you won't dress like that, but you want to dress appropriately for the weather. If it's hot and other women are wearing low-cut tops, why shouldn't you? Does he want you to be uncomfortable, doesn't he care about your welfare? Another thing you can do is go to the extreme of what he wants - get yourself a burka. If he complains about that, throw up your hands and say, "gee, you said I was dressing too sexy" then go back to dressing how you want. If he doesn't complain, start complaining about how oppressed he makes you feels, how uncomfortable you are wearing the clothes he's making you wear, etc. When he says that it was you choice to go to that extreme, point out that he wanted to control what you wore.Ask him if he thinks it's unfair that men can go around topless, but women can't. Ask him if he thinks it's unfair that women are held to different dress standards.Or you could point out his insecurities - say "you think that because I like to dress sexy that I will cheat on you? Gee you are insecure. How about this - I'll dress sexy, and if something bad happens because of it, you can say told you so and I'll listen to you in the future. If not, then you can stop trying to control me."If he tries to control you, you should not let him. If you think you won't be able to do that, then you might consider leaving him. If you don't take a stand, his behaviour might get worse. If you do take a stand, his behaviour still might get worse - he may even leave you, but at least you wouldn't have lost your independence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): When I first started reading this I was assuming that you had sex with these guys and I was thinking that I could understand why he was bothered by your past and being easy. At the end I see that you were just kissing or maybe doing some light fondling or something like that. I used to have problems with my wife sleeping with guys who she had just met, but never about her just kissing or something like that. That just doesn't mean anything to me. His insecurity is really over the top on this one. He needs to realize that men and women both seek affection and they get that by kissing. If you had slept with guys who you had just met then I could better ucderstand his feelings.
The next thing is your dressing sexy. Hey, everybody does it these days. It's normal. Women like to look attractive and like guys to notice them. I look at enough women in tight or low cut tops. My wife dresses like that for me and she gets looks from other men. I like that because I'm the one that gets to have sex with her that night. It just makes me feel good that other men like what they see. If nothing else, it reinforces the feeling that I have an attractive and hot wife. I would think that he should feel the same.
I agree with Diovan and Fade that he is controlling, but I don't necessarily agree that his behavior will get worse. People both change for the worse and the better. No one can know which he will do. He just needs time to see what harm his attitude is doing and to change for the better. No one is without faults. Some men and women cheat on one spouse or partner, only to become the most faithful and loving partner to the next. Some men and women are hurtful to one partner, only to become the kindest partner possible to the next. People change, for the better and the worse.
The thing that you have to decide is whether you want to stick around to find out which way he changes. NO ONE can know what direction he will go. Not even himself. Perhaps especially himself. You have a choice, stay or leave. Many people stay with someone who has one significant fault when they are great in all other ways. At least they stay until they discover if that person will improve. Many people leave at the first sign of the slightest insignificant fault. I think that his fault is a significant one and a troubling one. You have to decide if you can live with that for some period of time. I don't mean years, but something like weeks or months.
This happened yeaterday that he insulted you. You have been together for 2 years. If you leave everyone who says something bad on one day then you will be leaving everybody, as everyone says something mean that they might not mean sometime. My wife has and so have I, but we discuss it and try to understand our real feelings and try to correct the problem. His continual problem with your mild sexual past is deffinitely a problem with insecurity. Insecurity doesn't make a person worthless. My wife and I both had insecurities when we first started dating after our divorces from our first spouses. If one of us had left the other because of that then we would have both missed out on the best partner that we have ever had.
Insecurity doesn't mean that a person is bad. They just have a confidence problem. Some people are able to admit that and work on correcting it. Some are insecure, but can't admit that to themselves. There are a lot of those around. I have no idea which he is. If he can admit it and work to correct it then he is worth staying with, at least for a while. If he can't admit it then he isn't worth it. Only you can decide which he is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Fade is completely right...
This guy thinks your a slut, he thinks your easy, he thinks you will run off and have sex with anyone. That's why he is treating you like a child. He is not your father, he is not God, he is not your husband, you and only you have given him the right to treat to you with such disrespect. You present as aged 18-21 (overage) and curent location is unknown...
You lost your virginity to him, you have done nothing wrong. You kissed a couple of guys, so what??? Has he never, ever, kissed anyone else in his life.
As Fade says, this guy is controlling, his behaviour will get worse not better. Please think about this relationship, it is not healthy for you, this man is hurtfull and dosen't respect you at all...
Please take a look at this link... dose anything here remind you of your guy...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
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