A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years. This is the second time it has happened (the first time, we had one year apart before giving it another go), however this time we are living together. I feel so terrible, as there is nothing that he has done wrong, I just didn't feel my heart was in it. I feel terrible for my decision, for hurting him again, but feel he deserves someone who can totally appreciate him for all he is, and I just feel I wasn't. I feel that my reasons for the break up seem petty - and to cause so much heartbreak, but I just didn't know what else to do. He will not talk to me now, but is still being the nice guy he is, and letting me use his car etc while I hunt for another place. I just wish I could do something to make him see I do still love him, but I'm just not in love with him. How can I lift his spirits? Is time the only healer?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (29 January 2009):
Anything you do will either lead him on that there may be hope OR will just come across as patronising pity.
Do NOT tell him you love him (in any way) as this is jut cruel. Do Not try and cheer him up. You can't.
Just do your best to get out of his life asap so he can start to get over you.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (29 January 2009):
 Personally I don't think there is anything you can do that will magically lift his spirits, he obviously felt more for you than you did for him.
At the end of the day you have been honest with him and even after giving it another go things did not change for you.
It really is the time to move on and the sooner you find somewhere else to live the better I think, I also think if you can find independence with your own vehicle that would be the best thing to do. He is a lovely guy obviously and by letting you use his car you are finally sorting yourself out but don't try to bring his spirits up as this may make him think you have changed your mind and there is nothing worse than giving him mixed signals.
Time will be the best thing for him and by letting him know that you want him to move on from you and find someone who loves him as much as he loves her is the only thing that will heal his broken heart.
I realise that guilt is making you feel the way you do but unfortunately you cannot plaster over the big crack that has appeared and no matter what you do nothing will change that.
Don't try to prolong the agony for him of finding somewhere new to live, make the decision and just do it.
Give him some time after you move out and then just stay in touch by the odd email or text just to show you care for him as a friend and don't try to make it out to be anything more than that.
When I split with my ex it was very hard but over the last few years he has moved on and is with the woman who he had an affair with and I am absolutely fine with it, my daughter goes and stays with them on alternate weekends and after the first one I came to realise that we had grown apart a long time before the preverbial hit the fan but I see him as my best friend now and like an older brother although he was only 2 years older than me. We grew up together during our relationship and after our daughter was born we just grew apart. It is a fact of life and there is no point in dressing it up to be anything other than that.
I went through the pain and anguish and arguments but at the end of the day what is the point of harsh words, you cared for one another once and unless he tells you in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, EVER, then just give him his space and don't make the same mistake again by getting back with him as that would just be plain cruel now. You had a year apart before and I am amazed that you got back together again. Move on with your life and let him do the same but at his own pace, there are no rules as to how long he will need to get over you but keep the contact to a level that he can cope with without reading anything further into it, i.e. we are getting back together again.
They say you go through a grieving process when a relationship ends and I think that is very true. I was with my ex for nearly 20 years so we had become so close over the years and knew so much about one another but when a little one came into the equation everything changed for us.
I hope some of the above makes sense and just be a friend and nothing more. It will be good for both of you to move on with your lives and maybe in a few years time when you are both with new partners you can look back to the good times you had together and be good friends.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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