A
female
age
,
*racielatr
writes:How do I leave my boyfriend of 5 years and two living together. He refuses to work more than two days a week and plays video or is on the computer from the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep. When I tell him a man must work he tells me I am being sexist. I have been laid off and don't want to go back to work while he sits home on the computer. That is were he eats all his meals also that I cook, I do all the cooking, cleaning and buying of everything we need in the home and to survive. We have gotten violent in the past and I don't want to say a bunch of nasty things that we will say to each other. If I tell him. I am already pack and ready to go I am leaving in ten days and just plan to write him a note. I Have been leaving in the ghetto with gun shots for two years because of my love for him. But now I want out. Please help me someone out there.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Well, you are sexist when you say a man must work.
Or can I say that a woman should stay at home? Of course not.
BUT if he is the housekeeper then HE does the cooking, cleaning etc etc. Reversed gender roles are fine as long as they are properly reversed.
That does not seem to be the case and so he is NOT emancipated but just lazy.
Frankly it sounds like it took you five years to realize you had the hots for a deadbeat. Move on and learn your lesson.
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (6 July 2008):
sounds like he sees you more like a mother than a partner. He sounds abusive in that when you tell him that a man works he becomes defensive. He states you are being sexist. Red flag warning sign of an abusive person. He feels that as a man he is ENTITILED to define men's and women's roles. He clearly has DISRESPECT for you and women in general. Have you ever heard of the cycle of violence? It is a one month cycle. 1.INTIMIDATION,2.EXPLOSION ie the arguement,3.SORRY PHASE although you will still be blamed for his behaviour, 4.BUY BACK PHASE makes promises to be good, get a job, blah blah 5.HONEYMOON PHASE where he behaves how he did when you first started going out and you crave this part of the cycle. It also serves to confuse you and hook you in then comes 1.Intimidation again.
I am wondering why it is then that you wish to wait 10 days? Are you unconsiously aware of his cycle and that in 10 days he may be in the honeymoon or buy back phase that you crave so much? BOTTOM LINE You deserve to be treated with EQUALITY, RESPECT and compassion. Seek some support from a domestic violence support centre. This sounds like a toxic relationship and you seem to be afraid to be alone. I would rather be alone than be treated with disregard. You deserve better. What if your daughter was in this situation? Would you want this for her. Be strong, you know what to do.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (6 July 2008):
Well you've made up your mind and you are packed and ready. I don't understand what you want us to say?
I don't think it's fair after 5 years to dump him by note, but if you think you are incapable of talking to him calmly then it will have to do.
Good Luck!! xx
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