A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 16 months has a very bad temper. He never HITS me but does shove and pull me around sometimes. Whenever I want to leave him he cries and begs and threatens suicide. I don't want to risk him really doing it so i stay. I really do love him, it's just that I don't want to marry someone who is so emotionally unstable and perhaps abusive, so this relationship MUST end some time.. But the longer I delay it, the more attached we both get and the harder it becomes. Any advice on how to leave him without sparking his temper and threats?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): You must make a decision that you will sever contact with him and not return to him unless he attends counselling once a week for a year.
To be honest...I would just leave him and end it indefinitely.
Have an officer present when you are going to leave as the whole emotional manipulation and threats of harm to intimidate you into feeling sorry and responsible is abusive to the extreme.
It's his choice to hurt himself...I'd say he does that and you have no choice but to call the authorities. That will smarten him up.
You haven't made any stand with this man and that is why it is progressively worsening.
He knows his threats work and there is no respect in this abuse at all. You have both become dependent on the other for who knows what reasons.
Get some individual counselling and tell him you are going to leave if he does not get counselling as his abuse has taken its toll. That your love and respect for him are erroding.
Get strong. Be smart.
Love yourself.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (25 January 2007):
 First of all dealing with the threats to kill himself. It took me a long time to realise this (in connection with a friend of mine) but you need to know and so does he that if he does try to kill himself then that is his decision and not related to you in the least bit. If life is that bad you know it's bad for more reasons than just you leaving him.
He may not be hitting you but he is physically abusing you and this is always wrong. Before you leave him make sure you have somewhere safe to go and make sure nobody tells him where you are. I hope this doesn't sound cold but most people with his personality type end up moving on quite quickly. He'll make your life hell for a few weeks and then he'll accept it and move on. Hope this helps you. Don't stay with him, get away and look for your own happiness.
CD
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (25 January 2007):
 Hi Anon,
If you two live together, then I suggest moving out when he is out - possibly at work or has just left to go out with some friends. Make sure that you have some friends with you so you can pack up your things and get out of there fast.
I would notify the authorities about his behavior - that he is suicidal, etc. If you feel you need to go further and get a restraining order, please do so. Depending on the type of restraining order (at least in the US) you may not be able to call him or have any communication with him, so you should talk to him about the break up before hand. If you talk to him afterward, then he is breaking the law and could be punished for this, although I guess it would be considered entrapment on your part... Easier and less of a headache to break up with him before getting a restraining order in my opinion, anyway.
Then I would call him on the phone and explain things to him - why things aren't working out. And if you feel comfortable, or just don't want to see him in a state, then maybe you could suggest paying the rent/mortgage for a few more months, but pay directly to the landlord/bank because I don't think further contact with him is a good idea (would be hard to get over one another, and you could be putting yourself in danger by being around him after the break-up). I know you said you love him, which is the only reason I suggest paying anything at all - because it might make *you* feel better, like you're not just abandoning him. I also suggest talking to the landlord about this, so that you can make sure to get your name taken off of the lease, etc (you might have to pay a fee for leaving early). Then in the meantime he can find a roommate or another affordable place to stay.
If you would rather break up with him in person, I suggest having friends and/or family (or police if you feel it's necessary) around because you don't want him to go nuts and harm you in any way.
If you don't have anyone there to help you, have you thought about contacting a domestic abuse hotline? They would be able to help you formulate a plan to get away from your abusive boyfriend. And just because he's only pushed you, shoved you, etc doesn't mean that he wouldn't ever hit you (he shouldn't be doing anything physical at all!)
I also suggest clearing your internet history if you both use the same computer. If he sees anything written about how you want to leave him, or sees that you've been looking up domestic abuse hotlines, etc. it seems to me that with his temper you could be in danger.
Take care.
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