A
male
age
36-40,
*rongway
writes:I'm having serious issues right now... I have been married almost 3 years. My wife and I have been together since middle school except for 3 years after high school when we broke up and dated other people. When we first got back together, all of those crazy high-school butterfly feelings came right back and everything was great which is why we got married so fast after getting back together. Lately, however, I am finding myself becoming less attracted to her. She has put on some serious weight which I don't really feel is the problem I am having with her. She had the lapband surgery over a year ago which was a step in the right direction. She immediately lost 30 lbs and I felt some of my attraction coming back.... not because she had lost weight, but because she was TRYING to do something about it. Since then, she has lost all motivation to even try to lose weight anymore and has started to gain it back at an alarming rate. Every time I see her with icecream or eating a cheeseburger instead of being health conscious it infuriates me and I believe it is pushing me away. I dont know how to handle this. I want to be there for her and supportive but if she won't help herself, I don't think theres anything I can do for her. HELP! I love my wife but I can see that if she doesn't do something for herself soon, I am going to lose all attraction to her. Any suggestions??
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male
reader, PM  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 You cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. It is an unfortunate truth, but it's one that I've seen repeated over and over as I've involved myself in helping others. If she doesn't lose weight, there's very little you can do to make her lose weight.
As others have suggested, you should seriously consider talking to her about it. Food is often used as a coping mechanism as it has a soothing effect. It's definitely possible that something is bothering her and a first step may be you just talking to her and trying to get a sense of whether or not something's wrong.
For yourself, I think you should ask yourself how much it bothers you. In particular, does it bother you so much that you would want to leave her because of it? You may also want to figure out why it's bothering you. You have said that you don't think it's the weight that's the issue, but something else. You should have a clear idea about what that is so that if it comes up in your talks with your wife, you can communicate those reasons to her.
A
female
reader, merlyn846 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Be by her side.... when you marry someone you have to be there through thick and thin if you truly love this person... I agree with everybody else that commented help her try working out together tell her how much you love her and DON'T ever tell her that you find her unattractive that will just kill her self esteem and make it worse... but let her know that its not healthy to be overweight and that you care about her health... good luck wish you all the best
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (23 April 2010):
 There is a lot of reasons a person might turn to food to fill up some kind of vacancy. Counseling would help visits to a nutritionist would be great, Have you tried exercising with her joining her in her activities might motivate her. Walks in the park, beach, riding bikes, hiking,,,,, there are so many things you two can do as a couple. She will be burning calories and both of you will be spending quality time together. Sometimes a little motivation is all a person needs.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Have you had a serious duscussion with her about it or is the matter taboo? Before you let all this frustration and resentment build up in you she deserves a chance to hear your thoughts, so that she knows how you feel. If you are hiding your feelngs from her, you can't really blame her as she might be thinking you are fine with it.
Listen, you've known her for a long time. Was she more health concious before? Have you seen anything different she does now that she didn't do back when she was loosing weight? I think she might be carrying on as usual, since you said the only time she lost weight was right after her surgery! Surgery is not something she should have unless it is crucial, as every surgery has a risk. It seems an unnecessary risk to take if she is able to loose weight on her own. But maybe she feels she isn't able to loose it on her own? Maybe she has given up, thinking that "no matter how concious I am about food I still dont loose any weight". So she might have just give up.
But, you can't know for sure what is going on unless you talk to her. You and her are in this together now that you are married. And I believe it is selfish of her if she does not consider your feelings in any of this and makes it all about her. Yes it is her body, but you are her husband and have to live with her for the rest of your life. You have a say in how your wife leads her life, because it will affect the marriage. If she respects the marriage she must also respect your feelings.
So have a good solid talk! You might want to stay clear of the cheesburger thoughts, don't bring up the resentment you already have in you. Dont lash out at her or call her names. Be calm and supportive, because no doubt she looks in the mirror everyday and knows what she looks like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): never tell her you find her less attractive carrying the extra weight, that is something that will never be fixed even after she loses weight. Tell her now that you love her and find her as attractive as ever and she will find losing the weight alot easier to stick too knowing she has her loving husband there.
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A
female
reader, TooGenerous +, writes (23 April 2010):
 A woman's weight is something that she probably feels worse about than you do!! Find out what she is missing. Was it her father? Mother? If you have known her that long then you probably already know the answer. She has moved to food to fill a void in her life that you might need professional help to understand. If you tell her you are unattracted to her, that will make it worse. Please don't ever say that to a woman. Just tell her you love her and get you both into counseling. When she can figure out what she is missing in her life then she will figure out why she is feeding herself so much.
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