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Help!!! Is she just not interested in me any more...?

Tagged as: Dating, Faded love, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My girl hasn't made love to me in over four months and this has never happened before. She allows me to make love to her but she doesn't return the love. Is she using me? or is she just not interested in me anymore? I am so confused.

Also I have been having problems with her best friend and the way he treats her. He is a nice person, just has a bad temper. He is very controlling and verbally abusive to her and when i get angry and stick up for her she gets angry with me and tells me i need to learn how to treat people and show some respect because they are both older than me. She does vent to me about how she feels at times and i can't avoid him because he lives with her so i have to deal with him when i go over.

This has been going on for four years and i am at my wits end. I love her and she is my first love but i am willing to walk away for good if things don't change and in my heart i know they won't. Should i just let it go and move on or should i stay and continue fighting for both of us?

View related questions: best friend, move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010):

First of all, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Situations as this can ruin so much in one's life. Your self-esteem and just the overall way you feel about yourself. When you love someone, it's the most difficult thing to leave them, however, you need to do what is best for you ultimately and foremost. You can try, try and try to get her to understand you but she won't change unless she wants to change and right now it doesn't seem that way. I've been through many of relationships like this and it devastated me, at first, to walk away. After 3 years, my self-esteem was non-existent. Finally, I left him, I was sad for a few months, couldn't eat, sleep, however, it passed and I finally regained my happiness and self-esteem. You need to know that YOU are worth more than being treated this way and this is not YOUR fault in any way. The fact that she is even residing with another man, regardless of the reasons is wrong in itself. You deserve better, just by your question, I can tell you seem like a wonderful guy that deserves a LOT better. You just need to find the right person for you. When you are in love, the thought of leaving that person is devastating but the outcome will be better.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (23 April 2010):

chigirl agony auntIf you have been with her for 4 years why aren't you living together yet? Why haven't you proposed yet? You dont want to be married? Im just saying after 4 years I would think it was natural that couples took steps to get closer, yet she is still living with a man you cant stand. And the easy solution to me seems apparent: have her move in with you.

Of course, if you think the problem steems from elsewhere and can't be solved, why not ask her why she hasn't made love to you? But what exactly do you mean by she lets you make love to her but doesnt make love to you? Does she pretend she's dead wood? It could be she does not see the situation the way you do, and perhaps think that because you initiate sex so often she doesnt have to.

Either way, unless both parts are willing to fight for the relationship it is over. You can't fight for the both of you and if you feel that she is not working on it with you, you are carrying all the weight on your own. And that will not work.

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A female reader, Just Diana South Africa +, writes (23 April 2010):

Just Diana agony auntYou sound like a nice guy. Decent. Your girlfriend has lost interest. Tell her you love her, care about her and that you get the sense she is withholding some thoughts from you that she is feeling resentful over or frustrated about. Ask her if there is anything she would like to communnicate to you that she feels she is not able to for whatever reason. Now, you need to exercise some patience, gentleness and calm during this explorative investigation.

As for her best friend, tell him to scram. You are her partner which gives you the right to stand up and tell him not to treat your girl in an abusive manner. However if your girl keps tellingyou to stick out of it, then she simply needs to fight her own battles. Convey to her however that you love her so much that it irks you to see her being treated badly, but that you respect her choices enough to step out if that is what she wants.

If you already know in your heart that things wont change, then my friend, .....they are not going to. Walk away. Unless the fight in you is bigger than that realization, in which case stay and work on the relationship.

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