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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend left his wife for me. It was a 30 year marriage. His children are grown and have families of their own. He is happy with his decision but can't help feeling guilty for what he's done to his wife, kids and grandkids. He was not happy in the marriage (sexless for 20 plus years) but feels like he ruined his family by leaving to pursue his own happiness. And the guilt has been consuming him. We have a very good relationship but his guilt has been making an impact. Most days he is okay but other days he is distant and I feel resentment towards me. He tells me he has mixed feelings. He's happy to be with me but sad he had to hurt his family to do so. I am trying my best to be supportive and understanding but it hurts. I know I shouldn't be selfish as his family has been impacted by this situation as well. I am wondering if anyone has any advice about how to help him cope with the guilt and move forward? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): I don't know if you are reading this, but for what it's worth...
Even though he's left what was bad for him for something better, he still needs to process it all and go through the steps of grieving.
You on the other hand have nothing to grieve about.
You are one of the lucky mistresses who won the jack-pot. Your lover has left his wife for you!
You need to understand his position. For some of the most important people in his life he IS the bad guy. You need to let him know that it's OK that he is feeling the way he is. Because if you don't he'll start hiding his true feelings and start distancing himself emotionally. He'll think he's not good enough for you, because he'll think of hims self as weak or bad, or both.
The only way to do this, is to see things from his perspective. You don't say much about yourself and your background, but he actually spent the biggest part of his adult life with another person, raising a family and becoming a grandfather. All the memories he has, as an adult, good or bad, are with these people. They have a shorthand, jokes they love, favorite anecdotes... And yes. There's bad stuff. You only mention that their marriage was sexless and lead us to believe that this was only his ex-wife's fault.
I don't believe that we should stay in a bad marriage, but I also know that marriages are complicated and that there are two sides to every story. He knows this other side, even though he may not agree with it or be ready to tell you about how he may have let his wife down in certain ways.
Another very important thing is that he didn't leave because his marriage was bad, he left when he had someone to go to - you. This speaks volumes. He was very attached to his family for so many reasons and when he was ready, which included having another person to be with, he packed his bags.
Now. Are you happy with him?
Is your now official relationship everything you thought it would be? I mean, a part from you not taking into account that he will need to process all this and find some new landmarks to help him navigate through this.
Some people are just not ready and believe it or not, they get back with their ex-partners. They become so uncomfortable with their new lives and with new expectations, that it is easier to go back to the old life. And whatever they may say it's not about making other people happy. It's because this great new shiny life they wanted is too much for them and they feel that they cannot keep up.
As I said. He needs to process this. And you not accepting this will soon turn into the spitting image of his ex-wife, who had certainly wanted him to behave in a way that suited her best.
Maybe he would benefit from therapy?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): You should have seen this coming. Not that it would have stopped you and he was right to choose happiness over what he is used to. But stop being so naive. You won. He chose you. Now you must live with the bad bits that go with it. He may feel so guilty he goes back and tries to make a go of it with his wife. That would have nothing to do with sex or love, it would be so that he is accepted by his family again, feels guilt free. If he goes back he has to start again and gain their trust, which will take a long time. If he stays with you the guilt may ruin what you have.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): No sex for 3 years is a marital problem.
No sex for 20 years is a lack of compatibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2020): You might only see things from your own selfish perspective. That is, you've got what you wanted. He left a family behind, and you expect him to do that and feel absolutely nothing? He was still another woman's husband before he chose you!
He SHOULD feel some remorse for letting his family down; and leaving his wife and the mother of his children! That's wrong on many levels; even if he has to convince himself it is okay. On most accounts, it's not; because he took vows in marriage, and made promises to that woman. It was for better or worse, sickness, or good-health; and only until death parted them!
I don't expect my answer to be popular; or one you're happy to receive. Leaving your wife and the mother of your children for another woman over sex seems a bit trite, self-serving, and all too convenient. It's adultery. People he loved, and who loved him, got hurt in the process. He got sex, so that's just wonderful.
Time will pass, his ex-wife and family will forgive him and move on. Remorse is a very small price to pay for betrayal. You being the beneficiary of the outcome wouldn't understand that. His remorse and guilt is neither here nor there at this point. He did it, it is done; and therefore, it is what it is!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (20 December 2020):
 I believe we can do anything in life but, for everything we do, there is a "price" to pay. You are quickly discovering the price for having an affair with a married man who subsequently leaves his wife for you.
Of course he feels guilty. He hurt people close to him. His children will probably get past this quite quickly, given that they are adults and have lives of their own to live. I wouldn't mind guessing that his wife is the one he REALLY feels guilty about, because she is the one to whom he made "until death us do part" vows but who he has now left. Their sex life is neither here nor there. It is telling that he stayed in the marriage for 20 years without sex (if he is telling the truth) until someone offered to remedy that situation for him. He would probably never have left if he hadn't had somewhere else to go (and by "somewhere" I mean "someone").
You got your man. You now have to pay the price.
Please believe me when I say I don't blame him for finally deciding he needed to prioritize his own happiness. However, you need to come to terms with the fact he is feeling guilty because, for 30 years, he played the roll of husband and father, then grandfather, to his family. Now he has terminated his role as husband and, despite not being happy in the marriage, he feels guilty for causing pain to the people he shared his life with for so long. He would be one special type of nasty if he didn't.
I would encourage him to keep in contact with his children and grandchildren. The end of his marriage does not equate to the end of his responsibility as father and grandfather. That aside, you have two choices: suck it up, ride out the storm and hope he eventually learns to live with his guilt without blaming you, or end the relationship and find someone who is free to give you what you want without any feelings of guilt towards someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 December 2020):
 He did hurt his family.
I think you are going to have to accept that this is ALSO a HUGE loss for him. He is GRIEVING. His family is grieving.
It doesn't make ANY difference that his ex-wife and he had no sex for 20 years. He doesn't get a "martyr medal" for staying that extra 20 years. Just saying.
But you NEED to accept 2 things, HIS loss and grief and your participation in it all. Because YOU did play a role. HOWEVER, the decision to leave his wife and family WAS his and HE needs to own that himself.
You can't "fix" this for him. Nor are you supposed to.
If he went straight from his marriage to you, he has had no real time to process and work through the split.
He will UNDOUBTEDLY "blame" you because it's easier than taking the full responsibility himself. For the hurt HE (mainly) caused.
Perhaps he should talk to someone who isn't part of all this? Like a therapist? A friend? A neutral 3rd person?
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