A
female
age
26-29,
*eacegirl2345
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a month now. We have a past and just happened to come back together and fall in love again. He's 16 and he's been smoking pot since he was 10. He used to sell, too, but stopped for me. I used to smoke but quit pot, 2 years ago now. And quit cigarettes almost 2 months ago. All of his friends and his dad smokes. It's what he grew up with and it's now his lifestyle. I think he wants to quit, he keeps setting dates, goes a day without doing it, then starts up again. It makes me really upset when he does it. I know he's better than that and I have faith in him that he can quit and I told him that today. He just looked at me. I feel bad about it because he's already changed so much for me and I keep pushing. A few weeks ago, when he tried quitting and went a whole day, he got really upset and texted me and said "I'm afraid to become what everyone says I'm becoming, a deadbeat." I asked who said that and he said everyone, even his friends say it messing around. I hate the fact that he smokes everyday because I know that he is so much better than that and I truly believe that he can quit if he really wanted to. But he's done it since he was 10 and all of his friends do it and it's his life, so it's going to be really difficult. So how can I help him quit? How can I get him to commit to quitting? If he doesn't, it's going to destroy our relationship and he won't go anywhere in life. I believe in him and tell him that everyday. He didn't smoke all day yesterday and I'm pretty sure he hasn't today. But when we talked about it on the bus, he sounded like he was going to, if not today, than tomorrow. So what can I do to seriously help him and get him to quit for good?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): How old are you? You shouldn't just have to put up with such a huge part of who your boyfriend is. The boyfriend you want isn't the boyfriend he is.
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female
reader, peacegirl2345 +, writes (21 May 2014):
peacegirl2345 is verified as being by the original poster of the question You guys are all right, thank you so much. We talked today and he said he's not ready to and probably never will. So it's either I need to deal with it, or leave him. So I'm going to put up with it for as long as I can and when I get sick of it, I'll leave.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2014):
 I also wish to address the anonymous male poster, llifton has addressed a few of my concerns with his post.
First of all detoxing from alcohol or tobacco or any other drug such as meth or heroin can kill you. Truly if you are a heavy drinker and you quit cold turkey you will quite possibly die. There are no physical side effects from not smoking pot.
Secondly, using marijuana for medical reasons, such as pain, ADHD, anorexia (caused by something like chemotherapy) cancer, depression or anxiety either in lieu of or in addition to other drugs such as psychotropic drugs (anti-depressants, appetite stimulators, opiates for pain (think morphine or oxy) under a doctor’s supervision or with a doctors consent is way different from SELF-medicating with cocaine, or meth or heroin or alcohol. Its’ also no different than taking Vicodan (hydrocodone) for pain or Ativan for anxiety or Ritalin for ADHD. It works on your brain chemistry the way other more addictive and more dangerous drugs do.
Because I use pot for pain I do not take opiates for pain most days. I do NOT have an addiction to Vicodan. My pain management doctor is comfortable giving me 90 vicodan at a time because while he will allow me up to 3 per day (on top of 4 trmadols which are synthetic morphine pills) and my muscle relaxers I take MAYBE three Vicodan a WEEK instead because most nights I go home and while my neighbors take their meds and drink a beer, I smoke my bowl with pot we purchased from medical growers in states where it’s legal and we purchase pot that is geared to my needs (i.e we purchase pot that works on my pain receptors more than anything) There are nights that I don’t get that “head high” but I can work out because my pain level is manageable. I am NOT avoiding my life but rather using pot as a way to enhance my life.
Your description of your use, indicates a need to avoid the emotional pain of working on a tragedy that hurt you. This is very different. You were avoiding life. The folks I speak of use the pot to ENHANCE their lives.
When I say it helps depression I mean it keeps you less depressed just like an anti-depressant would but without the lousy side effects (weight gain, loss of libido, becoming unable to orgasm,) or without the side effects of stimulants for ADHD (lack of appetite, stomach pain, headaches)
Using ANY drug whether self-medicating with pot, alcohol, pills, etc or using a legal scrip of something the doctor gives you because you want the emotional pain of something to go away without working on the issue is useless.
If a person is a functional alcoholic (my spouse is one so I know what I speak of) they are slowly killing themselves with the booze… ulcers, weight gain, pancreatitis etc… none of these issues occur with pot. When my husband had surgery for his gall bladder, he had to have very special IVS to account for his not drinking so he would not have DTs or withdrawal while in the hospital. They didn’t have to make any adjustments for his pot usage. Nor is mine ever taken into consideration when I stop it as needed for travel.
As for it being a gateway drug. I’m sure for some it is… but for many it is not. As for using the it because they NEED the high due to their job, then again they are not addressing their problems from work. I’ve actually reduced my alcohol consumption to zero because of my pot usage. And I would never permit any other drugs in our home. And my husband won’t either.
What is the difference between someone going home and having a beer or two and someone going home and smoking a joint? NOTHING….
OH and as for driving… I do not drive high. Most of the users I know do not. My husband is a much better driver when high and will NOT drive when drinking (he’s had two serious DUIs in the past before I met him) and I can tell you that HIGH drivers are slower and more cautious and will sit at a stop sign and wait longer but the driver high on alcohol or meth is going to blow right through it.
I first smoked pot in the mid 70s (high school) and then stopped after college. I did not smoke again until 1996 or so and then only briefly. Then I stopped again.. I started again in 2011 when “the good stuff” became readily available for me and it’s improved my life dramatically.
When I was 15 pounds underweight and had no appetite I started using it to help me eat more. I noticed my back hurt less with it and I was not as anxious with it.
I have never missed a day of work because of my usage but I’ve seen my hubby call in sick when hung over from booze.
I understand that sadly it’s still illegal in most places but hopefully that will change. Just today I read an article that the FBI over here stated they are rethinking having a ZERO tolerance policy for marijuana in the hiring computer hackers because they have had to decline to hire some of the more qualified people due to drug use.. NOT just prior drug use but CURRENT pot usage. These computer guys work better when high… they are more creative and more focused.
All humans have the capacity to be addicted to something.. drugs, sex, gambling, alcohol, shopping, reality tv, It’s just a question of “what is your drug of choice”
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 May 2014):
 To the anonymous male poster - you bring up some very good and valid points. I definitely can agree to most of what you said. I think you are coming at it from the coping mechanism standpoint - that it's bad to rely on something like marijuana as a coping mechanism. I completely agree. Coping with anxiety/stress/grief with any type of substance, whether illegal or not or addictive or not is never a good thing. And you're right, you're not coping with the underlying source of the stress; you're simply just masking it. However, I suppose I'm coming at it from the more social aspect - not the coping mechanism aspect. Because the majority of those I know who smoke regularly, do so because they simply enjoy it, not because they need it to cope with life. Just the same as there are those who abuse alcohol as a coping mechanism. But the larger majority drink simply because they enjoy how it makes them feel.
There are doctors in the US who actually prescribe marijuana for pain. They prescribe it for its medicinal value, quite like so_very_confused has pointed out.
In reference to the lawyer, doctor, etc. friends I have who smoke - I've known them for years. They smoked well before they ever started their careers. They smoked while they were pimply teens making it through undergrad and then on. They've pretty much always smoked. To them, it was just like going out and having a drink with their pals. It was something they just enjoyed doing for fun and to relax. So yes, you are correct; some careers are more stressful than others and that may encourage someone to smoke in order to cope with the stress. But in my experience, most of those I know who smoke, don't do it as a specific coping mechanism. Yes, of course, there are some that do this. But most just do it for the social interaction and just because they simply enjoy it.
I'm like you, I'm not comfortable going and buying something from a dealer illegally. I also just don't really enjoy pots effect on me. It just doesn't feel that wonderful to me like it does to my friends. So I don't use it.
I will also agree that in some small instances, it's POSSIBLE that it could be a gateway drug. But for the most part, I've never really seen that to be true. Most of the people I've ever known only smoke and have never gotten into anything heavier. Just because one smokes pot doesn't mean they're going to try LSD, in the same way that just because a person drinks alcohol doesn't mean they're going to try LSD. Those that tried heavier drugs did so because they already had it in their minds that they wanted to do so. In my personal experience, I don't think it's the other way around. Of course they dabbled with marijuana first - because that's the natural order of things. In a really poor comparison, it's similar to how serial killers typically never start off as serial killers. They often committed petty crimes first, then slowly transitioned into burglary or peeping toms. Then into killing. It wasn't the petty crimes that perpetuated the molding into killing - they already had that type of disposition. It's simply just the natural order of things. To say it was the initial commission of the petty crimes that opened the door for killing is simply untrue.
Some people just like pot. And some people just like alcohol. I can distinguish the fact that we are discussing something that is legal versus something that is illegal. However, the concept is still the same. Anyway, I'm not disagreeing with you. I think your points of view have some very well thought out arguments. I think we are just coming at it from different points of view. You see it as a coping mechanism, while I see it for it's enjoyment value as well as its medicinal value.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): Here in the UK pot is both illegal and has a stigma attached to it. Having spent time in the US I came to appreciate the very different culture and attitude towards marijuana in the US compared to the UK." it’s not bad at anxiety and depression. Most of my friends that use are using it for the same thing"The problem with that is that people can become reliant, if not addicted, to Pot rather than tackling the underlying problem. Addiction to pot may be psychological but its still a reliance, a crutch, a sticking plaster. I speak from personal experience. I smoked Pot regularly when I had a tragedy in my life. I was addicted to the high it gave but when I came down from the high I was very depressed, moody and cold turkey. Instead of grieving, I lost myself in the high I could get from Pot.Actually I first turned to drink but found that by hiding my booze (and getting found out), plus a couple of episodes of being under the influence at work, I realized it could cost me my job and my relationship. So I turned to Pot. The result was the same: addiction, being under the influence at work, hoping I wouldn't be found out at home. Yet saying to someone "i smoke pot ever night to unwind" provokes a different response to "every night I need a drink to stop me being depressed." Nobody ever showed concern about my Pot intake, yet a hidden bottle of wine would have calls for me to admit I was an alcoholic. I know people who drink ever day and are labelled as having a "problem", yet those who smoke Pot everyday are seen as "enjoying themselves".I never felt comfortable with the whole "buying an illegal substance from a dealer" situation. Perhaps that's where the stigma comes from. Some would argue that its no different to cigerettes, booze or prescription drugs, but the fact is that (here at least) it is illegal. Plus cannabis dealers in the Uk often exploit young people by glamorising harder drugs. Yes lawyers, doctors, senior professionals use Pot, but if they need a high and the relaxing qualities of Pot then that says more about their careers effect on their life and emotions, rather than the benefits of Pot. I know people who would never dream of drinking and driving but have driven after smoking marijuana. I know people who have smoked it for years and its messed with their heads. Others took the attitude of "well I guess LSD isn't much different to strong Pot" and experimented with stronger substances.I also know how hard it is to love someone deeply who has a habit that could effect your life as much as theirs. Of course if he is doing things which are incompatible then you should not be with him, I get that and I echo that statement. But its hard when we fall for someone, often when we least expect it, who has a habit that's at odds with our values. My dad smoked for years and it killed him. Hard to shrug my shoulders and say "well he went to the devil his own way". I regret not pushing him to stop. As to whether its an addiction, well I was addicted for a long time. Maybe it was psychological rather than a chemical/physical addiction but that's the same with any habit. SMoking fags or drinking brings both physcological and physical addictions: Smokers often need to handle a cigerrette in social situations and become fidgety without a prop. Drinkers often crave the social aspect of drinking. Just my opinions because, as I say, in the UK the attitudes are often different to the US.
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reader, llifton +, writes (21 May 2014):
I don't smoke - never have. but I have many friends who do. Some are prominent lawyers, doctors, nurses, etc. Who says that smoking automatically leads to a "deadbeat" lifestyle? It only leads to one when you are a deadbeat type of person, in general. Marijuana doesn't make you a deadbeat. A person was probably already one to start with if they wound up as one - marijuana aside.
I think you're placing too much importance on his quitting. My gf smokes .. so what? She's not lazy and she's not unmotivated. She just enjoys smoking. Who am I to judge? However, if she was a "deadbeat" and not doing anything with her life, then I'd change my thinking. THAT would be a deal-breaker. But it wouldn't be because of the marijuana. It would be because of the lack if motivation.
My advice is to not place such an importance on him quitting. If it's a deal-breaker to you, than don't be with him. If it's not, than just accept him for however he chooses to be. And if he chooses to quit - more power to him.
I've come across friends that will place such an importance on their partner quitting a particular habit. And if they can't, they take it so personally. I have never understood this. If a person wants to quit something, that's their business. And if they don't quit, it's not a personal stab/attack on their partner. Yet the partner takes it as such. Like a "if you loved me, you never would have picked up that cigarette." That's ridiculous. They didn't pick up that cigarette because they don't love you. They did it because they wanted to. To say there is a link/correllattion between the two is absurd. Him smoking is not to spite you. It's simply because he enjoys it. You should know because you used to smoke.
Like I said, either accept him for how he chooses to be or font. But don't place conditions on your relationship.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2014):
I’m in the USA.. in a state that just decriminalized it. I am hoping to have it legal by the end of this decade and hope before the end of my life to see this herb legal like tobacco and alcohol. I am a daily user. I do not smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. I hold down a good high paying job with responsibilities. I pay my bills and keep my home clean. I am old enough to be a grandmother. Yes I use it for pain management. I use it for ADHD help and it’s not bad at anxiety and depression. Most of my friends that use are using it for the same thing WE are the FACE of the NEW POT SMOKERS.
That being said, I have friends that don’t use it. I respect their choice and they respect mine.
My doctors are all supportive of my use. YES it is something I discuss with my doctors.
I am telling you this so that you know I understand the issues with daily usage. Using it daily does not make me a “pot head” or a stoner or anyone who is NOT going anywhere in life. That’s the argument folks use to show that it destroys lives.. those of us who use daily are becoming very vocal and public about it so as to dispel the myth of the “stoner” being a drain on society.
I also can EASILY NOT smoke should I choose not to.
When we travel we don’t have it with us. I can go a week or longer cold turkey and have no affects other than MORE pain. And for that I take legal opiates… go figure. My point is that his “addiction” to pot is purely psychological. I rarely see physical addictions to pot like you do with alcohol and tobacco.
The fact that he’s been smoking since he was ten bothers me. I do not think that kids should smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol till age 21 and I think the same should be for pot.
You say you THINK he wants to quit… but if he’s not doing it for himself it will never work. Folks that make changes in their lives have to do it for themselves not for anyone else. It will fail always if you do it for some external motivator. The motivation to make changes has to come totally from within.
You said “I think he wants to quit, he keeps setting dates, goes a day without doing it, then starts up again. It makes me really upset when he does it. I know he's better than that and I have faith in him that he can quit and I told him that today. He just looked at me.”
OP you are pushing YOUR agenda on him. YOU want him to quit and he’s trying to do it to please you.. .but he will never own it if he does it for you. I quit smoking in 1981 for my first husband… THE very first thing I did the day he moved out was buy a pack of cigarettes. I smoked for another 6 yrs.. then quit on my own cold turkey because I wanted to. NOT because someone asked me to.
He looked at you because HE DOES NOT WANT TO QUIT.. he’s quitting to please you. You are trying the make him the man you WANT him to be and love but you are not unconditionally loving the man he is.
Basically the only thing you can do is say to him “boyfriend, I understand your need and your psychological addiction. I know that you have to quit for yourself and not for me but I have to let you know that should you continue with your use of pot, I am eventually going to leave this relationship. I will stay as long as I can but when I’m ready to go, I’m going. Once you are clean off of pot for 3 months (or however long you deem him needing to be “clean”) if you want to try to rekindle what we have you can contact me then”
And then you stay as long as you can and leave when you are not able to cope any longer.
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reader, Mark1978  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Putting aside the fact that what he is doing is presumably illegal in your territory, he should not have to change for you or any one else. OP you need to find a boyfriend who is more compatible, rather than trying to change someone into what you want them to be.
For him to give up he needs to WANT to do it for himself. Having half hearted attempts to suit you is never going to work. One of the problems is that he is at an impressionable age and all his friends and family do it so its only natural for him to want to "fit in" and do the things the people he looks up to are doing. Peer pressure is very strong, and can be as bad as the addiction itself.
Sadly it sound like he has had a bit of a bad upbringing in that if my dad had caught me smoking a ciggy at 15 he would have gone mad, let alone pot at ten!! Yet his dad smokes pot which is a poor example to set to a child. As you say tis the world he knows, the lifestyle he has been brought up in so breaking that cycle on someone young and impressionable is very, very hard.
At 16 he is at an age where a few months seem an eternity. The prospect of "the rest of his life" seems so far away and distant at that age that any warnings about what this might do to his future health and wellbeing will likely fall on deaf ears.
Clearly turning to pot at 10 and even dealing drugs as a child, shows he is in with a bad crowd and also has low self esteem. He has already gone down quite a self destructive path an I doubt his parents or friends are enjoying god health and happiness either. The fact he seems to have resigned himself to being a deadbeat also tells us that he probably doesn't have the self worth to feel he deserves to quit and make something of his life. You believe in him, he doesn't believe in himself.
Pot is a controverstial drug. Many people my parents age smoked it when young (60s and 70s) and turned out okay. Yet the pot a lot of people smoke to day is much, much stronger. In the past people often smoked pot to "relax, chill out, have a good time". Now we live in a different world in many ways and have ten year olds smoking pot to bloke out their insecurities, their fears, their worries. The fact that so many young children feel the need to even get hooked in the first place is a sign of our times sadly.
He has a father who smokes pot, probably offers him pot, and friends who are also into that whole thing. He also used to deal. Its very, very rare for someone to move on from that without good support, a loving family who encourages them to change and isolating themselves from friends who are a bad influence.
You have quit pot, given up smoking and want to make something good with your life. For that I applaud you. But part of your own "rehab" is avoiding people, no matter how hard that might be, who take drugs or are self destructive. If your not careful you might end up back on pot and smoking yourself rather than him quitting for you.
Mark
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): You can't.How old are you? Assuming you are 18 - 21 like it says, you were his age or older when you quit. You WANTED to and had the will power to. That's something nobody can give you but yourself. He doesn't want to quit bad enough to do it.This means you're not compatible. Whether you break up now or not, it will happen because you don't want a pot smoking boyfriend and he is one. That's who he is right now and you can't do anything to get him to commit. It's his CHOICE.You may think he's "better" than that, but he's clearly not and doesn't want to be at this stage in his life. He probably needs help, but HE needs to seek it from professionals, not from a girlfriend who keeps nagging.I know you care about him but he doesn't WANT to change when it means putting the effort in and it's not about changing someone to fit your criteria when they don't.
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