A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been having some problems lately due to his insecurities. I think he had a pretty bad relationship in the past, but he will not open up and talk about it. Everytime I ask how he feels or what is wrong, he just gets in a bad mood and shuts down. He is 11 years older than me (I'm 18, he's 29) and I am going to college soon. He keeps saying that he doesn't want me to be tied down by my "old" boyfriend when I go to college, and he's constantly telling me that I deserve more than he can give me. Those 2 things are entirely wrong. Having him in my life will not harm my social life in any way - I'm very introverted and don't like parties or big groups. (He thinks I will want to go out and have fun) He's given me everything I ever wanted - after being with him for 2 years, he makes me feel more at ease, more relaxed, and happier than anyone else in my life. I smile just because I'm in the same room as him. He is sweet and gentle and if anything, I wish I could give him more. He's behaved this way once before, where his confidence seemed incredibly low. I had to tell him for an entire year that I was ready to have sex with him before he finally decided that it was ok to take my virginity. He is constantly asking me if I'm ok and telling me that I am crazy for staying with him. He calls himself old, fat, and lazy on a regular basis. It is absolutely terrible to watch someone you love go through a conflict like this and not know what to do to help. What should I do to help him get through this? I want this relationship to last.
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female
reader, NowWhat?  +, writes (3 May 2007):
My man was the same and alot worse when we first started out. I knew deep down if i loved him and believed in him strongly enough for long enough i would eventually get through to him. Eve is right, it won't happen overnight. It has taken me almost a year of consistent effort, day in day out of boosting his confidence, of supporting him and being positive even when i myself wasn't certain, to start seeing the change. Don't talk about his insecurities, just act. Treat him as if he were the best, most loving, best looking man ever created. Believe me, when the change finally happens you will know it was well worth it
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (2 May 2007):
 He seems to a have a confidence issue which he may find help for. I myself lack confidence and can relate to how he feels, especially when you are in a relationship with someone. He is lucky he is with someone who recognises this and is willing to help him and not just leave him for someone else.
Ultimately he needs to recognise his lack of self-belief and seek advice from an outside source. Whether that be through a counsellor or a confidence building group which are available.
He obviously does love you and doubting his worth, is going to have an effect on your relationship as it seems to of had already.
Im sure he will do anything for you including looking at himself and realising where he is and what he has become. It is horrible to doubt yourself all the time, this probably has an effect on his motivation in other areas of his life.
Talk to him sincerley and let him know that things will get better if he acknowldges his self-esteem issues. he will become a better person and your relationship will flourish because of this.
I wish you all the best..
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (2 May 2007):
 Something has happened in your boyfriend's past that he's having a hard time dealing with. This has left him with no confidence or self esteem which is why he keeps downing himself all the time. Thing is, the more you ask him what the matter is, the more he'll clamp up. Us women, when we have something bothering us LIKE to talk about it to get it off their chest, it's our way of dealing with a problem. Men on the other hand are very different. When something is bothering them they go into their "cave" or become quiet and subdued. They like to "think" about it and mull it over in their mind until they come up with a solution. If they can't find a solution, only THEN will they ask you for your advice. I know you mean well and I know you think you're doing what's right asking him what the matter is but it really won't help.
What to do instead is reassure him, boost his ego and tell him how wonderful he is and how lucky you are to have him in your life. Constantly upbuild him, give him compliments, tell him how good he looks, how sexy he is and how happy he makes you feel all the time. Let him know you feel the luckiest woman alive to have him. The change won'te happen overnight but if you CONTINUE to reassure and upbuild him then he'll gradually begin to feel better about himself and maybe even open up to you a bit more. Because he has no confidence at the moment, I'm sure he feels deep down that he may lose you when you go to college. All these other guys will be there and he's heard lots of stories I'm sure, of what college life is like. So again, boost his ego, tell him you couldn't wait to get home from college, that you missed him, the guys there are total jerks, unlike him. Soon he'll begin to believe you and what you say to him, he'll begin to trust you at college too.
Does he have a job? What is he and your star signs?
Eve
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