A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:I have placed quite a few questions here and have had some very good advice and observations from the kind people who have replied. Unfortunately my continued postings here have frustrated some people as most have said the same thing: That I should leave this realtionship and start again but I still haven't been able to leave. My feelings have changed though and I wanted to ask for your thoughts again. My apologies for asking again.I have been working long shifts until recently and have become very tired. In the few days I have had off work I still don't feel I have recovered. My girlfriend has spent the last six months persuing her creative side which has included making a few sales which she was pleased at. She is pushing for us to move home to a larger place, possibly in the country with some land and out-buildings for studio space. I have tried to save but have found it very difficult as her earnings only come to about £35 per week fr the year. She continues to meet her friends for lunch or go out for dinner occaisionaly with a male friend. Recently she was invited to an evening out by her friend and it was clear I wasn't invited.I feel resentful that I work hard and pay for nearly everything and yet still she goes out and I am excluded. I know this sounds childish and that everyone needs time out with friends - but I am never invited. She regards work as a social activity and strives to make all her work dealings as enjoyable as possible. It sounds a good idea if one can do this but I haven't found a way. She has recently got back in touch with a significant ex - he sent a text to her which she told me about. Previously I used to be very concerned about their continued contact but this time I just asked what he had said. he had been searching on the internet and found something about my girlfriend and used that as an excuse to contact again. I didn't ask anything else. I have learned not to ask many (any) questions and to 'trust'. Inside I used to stamp on my feelings as I knew that there were feelings and things undealt with on both sides for them. He treated her very badly over a number of years by never admitiing they were together and continually leaving her. She regarded him as her soul partner.I assumed she would text him back and that would be that. Since reading notes that she left where she stated that she does not love me, that I am second best, and that I irritate her most of the time, that she wishes she could meet someone and that she is often looking at other guys and thinking and considering 'but not doing anything yet' - I have noticed my feelings for her lessening. Also I have taken to picking up her phone and answering it or reading her texts which she hates. Sometimes I do it in front of her and sometimes I will just read her messages. I am not proud of this but somehow I don't care what she thinks any more. She decided to try to meet her ex for lunch and arranged an appointment near to where he has recently moved to in order to facilkitate a meeting. He was unavailable but is keen to meet up and they have arranged to meet in the new year.I care but I don't care. i can't explain it. She lied to me about this and I only know because I saw the messages before she deleted them. I really am not proud of looking at her phone but I now am starting to feel that the end is jusifying the means. She is still not being truthful - and I find this unacceptable.I am becoming less hurt when she is short with me. I am lass down when I am excluded. I am more able to argue my point of view when I feel she is being inconsiderate and more able to stand up to her. Recently she went outfor lunch with her girlfriend. She did mention she was going but on the day changed her plans without telling me. The result was that I came back from work thinking we were going out and she texted me at 8.40pm asking if I wanted to drive in to town to meet up with them. It would have taken 1.5 hours to get there and I had to be up at 5.30am which she knew. She arrived home at 1am and wanted me to get up and have a drink with her and asked me if I had cooked any food for her.Before I used to try but would end up in tears at the frustration of trying to ake her understand that I love her and would do anything to make things right. Somehow the knowledge that she does not love me and that she has asked me to marry her has made me respect her less. I see her more clearly and I see her lack of a work ethic as totally selfish and at my expense. I feel guilty and hardened and embittered. Her family say nothing and yet they know she has never tried to work or to save a little. It feels as if they are relieved that she has met me and that I can take on her way of life. All this is slowly making my love for her change. I still love her. But I am losing respect for her and yet I feel torn inside. She has started to behave a bit nicer toward me whcih feels strange. She has bought me a couple of little gifts and made me a packed lunch a few times. But there is very little communication - I love to communicate and chat about work but she hates me asking about her day. We are left in a place where I never ask questions any more and as a result I never know what is happening and it is so diffucult to plan anything.I would like to build up my confidence more as I can see that this will enable me to eventually move on. I want to be strong if this relationship ends and not broken. I spent a year in counselling and came through it. I was pretty low before and during that period and was close to ending up on medication adn losing my job. I don't want to go there again. If anyone has any suggestions I would be grateful.
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male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (15 February 2010):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply Miamine. You are right I am starting to resent her and fall out of love with her and yet I still care and feel for her. Yesterday was Valentines Day and although things have not been great I wanted to take the opportunity to make her a card and try to communicate. The previous night we went to the theatre and for a nice meal the night before that. She asked me if I was doing anything and I said that I was looking to book another show for the evening and suggested a few other things we could do in the day. She waitied a few mins and then said she was going out to her studio to work. This was at 1pm. A mutual friend cooked a meal for us and contacted me half hour before inviting us round at 8pm. I contacted her to let her know and said that as he'd gone to alot of care and prepared a lot of food that I would eat with him and that if she was still busy she could join later & she asked me to let him know that she was busy and couldn't leave but would come round later.
at just before 9pm I received a message from her saying she was going to pop in to the the pub to listen to some live music. I let our friend know and he decided that we should have some soup to start and wait for her to arrive so we could eat the main course together. The next text I received came at twenty past midnight saying she had left her car as she had been drinking. We had eaten at midnight. She arrived just before 1am. I felt we had waited all evening for her. She then sadi that the reason she went out and stayed out was that I hadn't organised anything for her for Valentines Day. The gift I had for her and the card I made had been waiting all day.
It angered me that she pretended that I had arranged nothing. She refused to accept that I was intending on arranging anything. I feel all I am is stupid and a wallet and I told her and she said "why stay with me then?" She seems to want me to make a decision to walk away. Why? I feel pushed to the limit and she continues to accept that all and I mean all the bills are paid by me.
I gave her the gift when she arrived which was a favourite cake boxed and wrapped. She accepted it and promptly put in on the floor on its' side. The card she didn't open either. I just felt I wanted to update this.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
 I can probably guess that the aunts and uncles have pointed out that this relationship is unstable. She has admitted she doesn't love you, and you are falling out of love with her. You share little in common and seem to only see each others bad side.
She wants you to buy her a house, she wants to play at working, she wants to continue enjoying herself whilst you work hard and pick up the bills. This is not fair. There is no way you can move to a house with this woman. The advice given is correct, this relationship is damaging to you both. It's best to let her go and then she'll grow up and start paying her own bills.
You don't even sound like you love her any more, indeed, you sound like your starting to hate her. Relationships shouldn't be like this.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (15 February 2010):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found it very difficult to read your reply. It is concise and clear and I feel correct.
We are still together, though I'm not sure I can call it a relationship anymore. There is no physical contact whatsoever yet she still wants me to buy a place and for us to move to.
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A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (31 December 2009):
Your situation is a difficult one, but I think that it sounds as if you have been given some very solid advice, and have been unable or unwilling to act on it. I have some theories as to why.You feel very strongly for this girl, but have lost almost all of your respect for her. Although she has been more pleasant to your face, it sounds as if this may be her way of assuaging her guilt over something that may have happened that you may well not know about.Insofar as your answering her phone and reading her messages in front of her, I say both "good for you!" and "you're being an idiot".Good for you, in that you aren't sneaking around behind her back, and instead are showing her through actions (which speak louder than words, if a bit less clearly) that you refuse to be shut out, shut down, marginilized, and betrayed. You're being an idiot because if she really wants to start something, she'll just do what my wife did and get a cheap prepaid phone and keep it from you.This girl is using you, but the way she is using you is much more insidious than just for money and support.She has no self esteem. She uses you to provide her with an environment where you continue to give her the adoration and validation she craves, in addition to security both financially and emotionally. She is placing squarely on your shoulders the responsability to give her emotional realities that she needs to provide for herself. So long as you continue to do so, you are enabeling her to continue to behave like this, and not only will she keep hurting you, she will never grow into a fully matured and actualized woman in her own right.For her own sake, as much as for yours, you need to leave this girl.Have you ever heard of "tough love"? If you love her, then you will make her stand on her own two feet, emotionally, financially, and psychologically. Continuing to enable her is desatructive to the both of you, and you aren't doing her any favors, in the long run.
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