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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: For the last five years I have been a caretaker for one of my family members. My family member had a terminal illness and I have been working 3 jobs to cover the bills and medical treatment which saved his life. Although the treatment is over I had my close family turn their back on me for doing this. They do not view this family member as a close member and have been traditionally greedy. While I was working 3 jobs to pay for the bills I was mocked and basically called a fool; I had to live with some of them bc I couldn’t afford to pay rent and the medical bills. Although this is almost over I am so heartbroken about what has happened. I know I did the right thing but in doing so I uncovered how greedy and selfish and toxic my close family is. I can’t view them the same or trust them after this. I am getting close to relocating but I have mini breakdowns about this and just the betrayal. I feel like it’s a heartbreak but with no lover. Does anyone have any tips on getting over this. I want to get over this and move on with my lifeI do want to add that the person I was taking care of is very close to me and I consider them family. They don’t have any family so I am the only person that is alive and willing to help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2021): Rereading this a few times and I think maybe you should see your doctor because you sound kind of depressed.You over extended yourself to help this friend and are suffering because of this.Your family was there for you letting you live rent free.Yup you really sound depressed and the good news is your doctor can really help you here.Please for your sake make the appointment today.Housing and feeding you your family helped because that did cost them money.They were there for you but being so depressed and burned out you cannot see that.It will and can get better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2021): Your family were very generous to allow you to live with them, especially as it was for free. By doing this they contributed towards the medical expenses etc for the person you helped. It was not as simple as you say where you say you did three jobs because at least one of those jobs should have been reimbursing them for the roof over your head, your share of the utility bills, food etc. There is also the fact that when people talk about doing part time jobs they are usually menial, boring and badly paid. Your three part time jobs probably earned you a lot less than my one full time job. So it did not really amount to that much. You say this as if you were sitting around twiddling your thumbs not working at all until this person became ill! Where did you live and how did you pay your way before this happened? Most people of your age have a proper full time job they are not unemployed and reluctantly having to do some part time work, the sort of jobs that most people would turn their nose up at.Your family have been very kind to you. You call them close family - in my eyes close family are people you have a lot of respect for, love for, care for. Not people you bad mouth at every opportunity. They may be mothers, fathers, sisters, but they are only close if you get on well and like them. You say you did these three jobs as if this other person would have died otherwise, I doubt this was the case. You want to feel important and indispensable, special, at their expense in a way. And at the expense of your generous family who paid towards it by letting you live there for free. If they did not approve and did not like this other person they were being extremely generous to pay towards their care.A normal person of your age pays a mortgage, house loan, rent, food and all the rest BEFORE they look for other ways to spend their money. These are essentials. Not things to be passed on to other family members. That is what teenagers who are immature and self centred do. If I were you I would be worrying about how to be kinder to them.And sort out a proper future for yourself, get an education and skills so that you can get one well paid interesting jobs instead of bits and pieces of things that do not add up to much. You should have done this years ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2021): Typo corrections:
"If they gave you a good talking-to, while helping you out; I'd say they had every right to."
"Nowadays, people seem to be meaner and more vicious than I could ever recall in my life."
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2021): Often times, people will judge and discard other people based on their personal-differences. They will sometimes rally allies for the sake of justifying their rejection or mistreatment.
Maybe your family is aware of the bad reputation of the individual you've gone out of your way to be so kind and compassionate to. They may just feel you might have gone overboard; if you had to work three jobs, and forced yourself to seek their help for doing so. Maybe you scorned their advice; so they take issue with you for that. I think anyone would be somewhat confused as to why you'd go so far? Some folks have it in them, and some don't, I guess.
Sometimes our families turn against certain members, for whatever reasons; and feel you're a traitor, unless you fall in-line with the majority. Ganging-up on someone, and kicking them when they're down is evil! Anyway you slice it.
When it comes to those who have done significant harm, and have knowingly inflicted insurmountable pain; maybe you were a better person to see past it all. Maybe not.
It seems to me the concern was for what you suffered for trying to help. Their dismay over the fact that you ignored their advice; then came asking for their help. Well?!!
If they were really toxic, I think they would have refused to help you. They could have convinced all the other members of the family to fall in-line. If they gave you good a talking-to, while helping you out; I'd say they had every right to. Not having their opportunity to explain their side of this; we can only speculate, or take your word for it. That's not enough for me.
According to the Bible, unforgiveness cancels all our good-works. They can't defend themselves; and it could all be a huge misunderstanding. If they are toxic for telling the truth, I guess God has to be the Judge. Not any of us. How can we really know they're as toxic as you claim? I see somethings you've said that kind of seems contradictory as to why they may be upset with you. Not saying they have any right to mistreat you.
I think you did what Jesus would do. You set aside differences, and you loved the enemy. You don't always gain popularity for doing what's right, or telling the truth. Jesus healed the sick, made the lame walk, and gave the blind sight. He saved souls, and opened the way to receive His truth, and eternal-life. Instead of death. Look what they did to Him? There was a happy ending! He rose from the dead, and sits at the righthand of God. Being human, your greatest reward doesn't come until the afterlife. You are still blessed, many times over, while you're here on earth. Provided your heart and soul are in the right place. Through grace, you may still be blessed when you don't do right; because He is merciful and kind, even when we are not.
If you can be kind and compassionate to the rejected; you can't turn your back on the rest of your family. If they've persecuted you, and they've bullied you for helping someone; then you shift your feelings from the pain they've inflicted, to the satisfaction in knowing you were instrumental in saving a life. You showed kindness and compassion beyond the call; and sometimes you'll instill guilt on all the others who stood aside and did nothing. Naturally, they'll want to make you feel bad; because they feel worse for seeming mean and calloused. Don't gloat, or wallow in self-righteousness. You did God's work, He used you as a tool. God bless you!
You must forgive them, put it behind you, and you have to love them from a distance. You can't always change how people think, and you can't control what they feel. Nowadays, people seem to be meaner and more vicious that I could every recall in my life. They'd kill you for the color of your skin, or your political-views; let alone just disagreeing with them! You are forced to recognize the weakness in their character as what you can't change. Appreciate the way God will flip things around for our good. For example, when someone else in your family is fallen to a life-threatening illness. Guess who will be the first person to come to mind? You!
Don't let the devil in them ruin your day. Stay humble. Don't see your kindness as a badge of honor; let God see your compassion as a little piece of Himself in you.
Your family may have been victim to some of the wrongs or harm done by the one you've defected from the fold to help. They feel you went overboard to the degree you hurt yourself; and came running back to them when you had exhausted all your own resources. You can't fault them for admonishing you for taking it to the point you were nearly as bad-off as the person you were helping!
I can only speculate, but it seems to some degree they are correct. Kindness goes so far, then are you looking for praise and glory? Does it all belong to the grace of God, whom happens to be the One who put you there and did the healing? You can pat yourself on the back; but calling your family toxic after you said they helped you, gives Code Warrior's advice some credence. They helped you, during and after you helped the family-member with the serious illness.
I don't think they're totally toxic. I think they were just being straightforward concerning the fact you hurt yourself unnecessarily. Even God doesn't expect us to decimate ourselves to help others; though, sometimes you may have to sacrifice the body in His name.
This would make no sense to a non-believer. To a Christian, it would. If we pray during the process of helping others; God intervenes, and gives us something extra called grace. That covers you, while you make the sacrifice; and compensates for your personal-losses. He will restore all that you've lost. He promises to. When He's left out of the equation; and you want to establish yourself as a martyr for your own sake. Then your suffering is in vain. If others try to tell you that, and you label them as toxic; it may not be the rest of your family who are totally wrong. You may be taking it all wrong; considering they helped you when you were down and out. If they are upset that you seem ungrateful, maybe they have some amount of justification. Everyone gets some benefit of the doubt; when there are two-sides to every story.
I think you need to reassess the whole thing; and be grateful that they've helped you. If you need to put distance between you for the sake of peace; then that's what you have to do.
If you are a believer in God, and Jesus; and ascribe yourself to live your life a Christian. Then do as you've been taught to do from the scriptures in the Bible. If you are a non-believer, and all this is nonsense to you, feel free to ignore every word of it.
This is all my own opinion. It does not reflect the opinions or values of Dear Cupid. If you are offended; there is no evil intent, or any personal attempt to force anything down your throat. It's just an opinion.
I think you have a huge heart, but it also has to make room for forgiveness and understanding when people don't always treat us the way they should. If you do pray, pray to God for your peace and healing. Pray for your family. He will bless you for your good works. Expect little from mankind, and don't forget you have faults and weaknesses too. Sainthood comes in the afterlife. Only God can offer it to us. We can't bestow it upon ourselves.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2021): I am the original post and I want to respond to code warrior. If ur giving advice that sounds like it’s pro-toxicity just don’t. I grew up with toxic people and I only realized when someone is almost half dead in the hospital that I have to fend for myself and that they really don’t have my back. If someone is abusive and has gives u a roof over your head still doesn’t change what they did. The post was to ask how to get over heartbreak and betrayal from family not to attack the victim or nobility
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 June 2021):
 What do you do?
You accept reality. I can imagine it's disappointing to find that your family is not very caring or tolerant. They DID carry YOU (with letting you live there) while you took care of someone else.
You are close to relocating - FOCUS on that.
You can't CHANGE your family - how they act, think, or feel. But you CAN decide how much time and effort you want to invest in your family.
You did what YOU felt was the right thing to do, hold on to that.
Look to the future. Stick with being a good person.
Chin up.
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