A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay Guys heres a problem that i could really use your advice with.I have been married(mostly happily) for ten years but the past 18months have been really difficult.I lost both my remaining grandparents,had trouble galore getting my youngest son settled at school(Hubby have 2boys btw)and was feeling like my life wasn't my own anymore.My husband was becoming more and more distant and no matter what i said or did,nothing seemed to improve.My husband and I would on occassion go out with a group of mutual friends and these seemed to be the only times i felt whole(does that make sense?)One of his friends inparticular was very close to us both,he was our best man at our wedding and we used to go out together a few times when my husband wasnt interested in where i wanted to go.well needless to say our friendship grew and we began to have an affair that we had agreed would last only until either one of us said it should stop.It lasted only 5months,to be honest the sex wasnt as good as with my husband but i wanted the attention he gave me and the way he touched me made me feel wonderful and wanted,He helped me get through all the stress and although he never said that he loved me i got the feeling that he did.how could he have said all the things he did and touch me the way he did if the only feeling he had towards me was lust?(but maybe that was just wishful thinking).i ended it when i got back intouch with reality and realised the hurt i was causing my husband.I knew if he ever found out it would kill him and destroy us and whatever hope there was of things getting to how they used to be.The thing is though no matter how i try i cant get my exlover out of my mind,i think about him every day,every night,especially when my husband is out for the evening on his own.the times we were together play back in my mind and i just cant stop thinking about him.I only see him now when we all go out together and i am with my husband(my exlover and i agreed that if i didnt go out in the group anymore it would be too suspicious and we have both agreed to keep what happened a secret,I trust him to do that).But why cant i stop thinking about him?how can i get in control of this,it is stressing me out so much and my worry is that one day i will call out his name instead of my husbands!!Thanks for listening.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Do you want your lover if it means giving up your husband forever as part of the deal? Because it probably will come to that if you continue this, whether you & the lover stay together or not.
Either way I think the marriage is doomed.
A
female
reader, xs-jess +, writes (1 October 2007):
i need help to the same kind of problem too.
i have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and it was great until the past 6 or 7 months, thigs seem to be different. i recently went on a trip and when ther i hit it off with one of the guys who went with us and ended up sleeping with him on the trip. when we got back, we carried on; meeting up - cinema, staying in a hotel, etc.
this guy also has a girlfriend, and we both felt really guilty but couldn't help it.
about a month and a half ago, when i went on holiday and then he went away, we decided to stop doing what we were doing because we felt like we were starting to fall for each other even tho we both love our partners.
we've just started seeing each other around again, like out with friends etc.
The problem is he continues to make contact with me and so i can't stop thinking about him! he flirts with me all the time i see him but then goes cold agen the next day.
i alwasy want to text him rather than my boyfriend.
i feel i've become very distant from my boyfriend but i can't seem to make it right.
i don't know what to do.
any advice would be great, thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): i need help to the same kind of problem too.
i have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and it was great until the past 6 or 7 months, thigs seem to be different. i recently went on a trip and when ther i hit it off with one of the guys who went with us and ended up sleeping with him on the trip. when we got back, we carried on; meeting up - cinema, staying in a hotel, etc.
this guy also has a girlfriend, and we both felt really guilty but couldn't help it.
about a month and a half ago, when i went on holiday and then he went away, we decided to stop doing what we were doing because we felt like we were starting to fall for each other even tho we both love our partners.
we've just started seeing each other around again, like out with friends etc.
The problem is he continues to make contact with me and so i can't stop thinking about him! he flirts with me all the time i see him but then goes cold agen the next day.
i alwasy want to text him rather than my boyfriend.
i feel i've become very distant from my boyfriend but i can't seem to make it right.
i don't know what to do.
any advice would be great, thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): Sounds like you can't stop thinking about him cuz he was giving you attention your husband wasn't. You have the same problem you had before the affair.
1) You have to stop being friends with him.
2) You have to reconnect with your husband.
It's harder to do all this stuff if you've made up your mind to not talk about it with your husband.
1) If the ex-lover can't move away, of you and your husband can't move away, decrease your contact with him. Go out with groups only when he's not there. Cultivate other friendships to take the place of this one. Really, he's not such a great friend to your husband, so it's for everyone's good to see less of him.
2) I don't see any harm in counseling. Also, are you any different from how you were when you and your husband first met? For example, do you dress the same, behave the same? If not, why not try to work on yourself to feel more attractive? When you do that, you end up getting more attention without having to ask.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): i know exactly how you feel! i went through something similar and in the end i just had to leave, even though we had a young son. There must be more to lie than this!!!! Have a good chat with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel, but you need to sort something out now. Forget about the fling. At least he is keeping quiet. DON'T GO LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FLING. Sort out things at home.
TAKE CARE xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): i know exactly how you feel! i went through something similar and in the end i just had to leave, even though we had a young son. There must be more to lie than this!!!! Have a good chat with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel, but you need to sort something out now. Forget about the fling. At least he is keeping quiet. DON'T GO LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FLING. Sort out things at home.
TAKE CARE xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): I posted this question because i cant stop thinking of my ex lover.Everything i do reminds me of him.
Eve,I really appreciate you replying but believe me for the past ten years i have been doing just as you suggested but my husband is not atall like that,if i try to seduce him he will say his back hurts or he has a stomach ache,its always something.
Yes,when we finally do have sex it is good but its never enough,he spends no time on foreplay and as long as he comes then he sees no problem that i dont,whereas with my ex lover the foreplay was enough on its own to give me the best orgasm i've had in ages but the actual sex part doesnt last as long.
Its valentines day soon,my husband doesnt want a gift,he hates candles and is actually going out that night to his club neway.he is not a romantic at all.
im getting fed up with me being the only one who trys in this relationship.all i get lately is knock backs.how much longer have i got to keep trying when i dont get a response?
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 February 2007):
 Why are you spending so much time thinking about this ex lover when he's not even as good in bed as your husband? This lover lusts after you, your husband LOVES you and you waste time thinking about the lover???
Come on girl, BIG wake up call now! If you spent the same amount of time thinking about how to spice up your life with your husband then you'd be doing yourself a big favour. This other guy will tell you what you want to hear. He'll tell you anything to have his rocks off with you, but at the end of the day love, he's only USING you in order to satisfy his own selfish desires... and he calls himself your husband's friend????? He was play acting with you, getting caught up in the moment, that's all. Your husband is probably distant because he feels YOUR distance. Here's what I recommend you do.
Set a night in your mind when you and your husband can be alone together. (Maybe someone could have the children that evening as a treat for them.) Pamper your husband a little, make him a nice meal then go upstairs together Light some candles and set the mood. Then seduce him!
Make sure you look good, take time doing your hair and make up and smell delicious too! Men are very visual so if you look good he'll notice. put on some music (low) wear some sexy underwear or something you know will knock his socks off and shock him! Take the lead! Show him YOU are going to be the boss tonight and put him through his paces. A lot of men like the woman to take charge so this might just be what's needed to set his passion alight.
You need to try different things together. Talk more, communicate. Keep the TV off, tell him he looks great, boost his ego a bit, kiss him for no reason, slap his butt as you pass, Relationships need to be WORKED AT, they don't just fall into place magically once you're married (as I'm sure you've found out!) Leave notes for him to find in his briefcase or his pocket. "Can't wait to get you home tonight" "Missing you heaps" "I thought of you today and it made me smile".
When he comes home one night give him a present. Buy a small decorated cardboard box, a sheet of colored tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank card. Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the massage oil in the box and write the following message on the card: I know a great Masseur. For an appointment ring: (Your Phone Number). Create some love coupons that your partner can exchange for romantic favours. View this link for some examples.
http://www.theromantic.com/lovecoupons.htm
You see, if you want to keep the marriage alive then you need to work at it. If you make him feel special then he will WANT to do more for you and because you're making him feel loved and attractive then he'll want to reciprocate and make YOU feel loved back in return.
Put your past wrongs behind you and concentrate on moving on. If you really love him and want to save your marriage then a bit of effort from you (to begin with) will work wonders and if he really does love you then it won't be long before he's bonding closer to you and things improve greatly.
Eve
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (12 February 2007):
 You are in quite a difficult situation.
If you want to get someone to press a button put a sign on it that says "Danger Do Not Press". The human mind is such that a person almost cannot keep from pressing that button even though there might be consequences for it.
You pressed that button and are now suffering the consequences
In time providing you refrain from the forbidden, the difficulty should taper gradually and go away for the most part. Hope it works out well for you. Doc.
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