A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi this is going to sound quite complicated but I'd love to get as many answers as possible as it would be really helpful to hear all your opinions, thank you!some context:I live in London, finished college last summer and am almost 19 and I'm a virgin out of choice, and I am one of the only people I know that still is.I've never had a proper boyfriend, boys either love me as a friend or like me in the wrong way which freaks me out. I want to really like a guy when I have sex, prefereably be in love whatever that is. I am a late starter with everything in terms of sexuality (shall we say the other "bases" for clarification) and although when i have gone down that road before, only with three guys but two of them were drunken mistakes, I have enjoyed it a little physically but don't feel really very comfortable or physically secure, I feel nervous like I'm performing a dance step or a technique of tennis serve, I can't relax and enjoy it and I don't want having sex to be like my previous experiences.When I ever tell people I'm a virgin they are very surprised as I am quite confident, I get on well with guys and you know, party and stuff and joke about things like sex, as all my friends do, it doesn't wierd me out or anything to talk about. But guys approach me as if I am "up for it" and if I am kissing someone I like they always then take it for me wanting to do more and expect to go further, then it is really awkward when I'm like "no thanks, I'm not like that". I know it sounds cringe but I want to take tings slowly and have someone really like me for me and treat me like I am worth something.So heres the question after the context:how can I get guys to see me in the way that i truly am, as someone to treat well, treasure and treat with respect, without losing my personality and who I am, which is someone that is loud and likes to have a laugh, chat about boys and sex and stuff with everyone else and isn't ashamed to be open about subjects like sexuality.What am I doing wrong?I know a lot of people, especially religious people or Americans (!) will be like oh save it for marriage, save it for love, be patient. But where I live we grow up and become independant pretty fast, I've lived through a lot in what I guess is relatively a very short life, I don't want to wait more I want to know how to remedy my situation now so that I can be happier and more content, really hating myself at the moment...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): You sound like the female version of me! lol
I just finished university here in Canada - 21 and still a virgin. Not exactly for any religious reason or anything, it's just I've always been busy (in high school, it was all about getting good grades to get into a good university with a nice scholarship and working pt to save up to pay for the rest of my education...then when I got in, it was all about keeping extremely HIGH grades to keep a great scholarship and still working). In essence, I've had little of a social life - sexually speaking. But at the same time, I'm open about sex and what not and often joke around about it with people.
I've been told I'm a good looking guy, but I either end up in the friend-zone or attract the sleezy-type or people just assume I'm 'with someone else.' This too is all because of a mixed personality of wanting to take things slow while at the same time being open.
The only thing I can suggest for people like us is to, I guess, wait for the right person. Who knows? Maybe two people like you and I will cross paths one day...hopefully lol
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 There is nothing wrong with you. At all.
You sound an intelligent thoughtful lady who thinks things through.
So it is likely you will click best with an intelligent thoughtful guy who thinks things through.
I am pleased you are a confident lady. And your strength of character shows through in your question. Strength of character is a threat to a guy who would prefer a compliant girl he can treat like a doormat, so those guys are no loss if not interested. And to some you are a challenge, an Everest to climb for the more sexually aggresive. Those guys are no loss either.
It seems to me that you need to be in an arena where you meet different guys to above.
And it struck me that some of your great energy could be channelled into a working holiday overseas. A great way to meet new people, experience greater diversity in experiences and people.
I suggest you trawl the internet for places that are safe, fun and welcome back packers. And have places that allow you to work.
An overseas working holiday for a year would be a wonderful way to spread your wings and see more of the world..
While you are away also think about reading 'The Joy of Sex'. As a great preparation for later.
Sex is wonderful, with the right man who you have come to adore and love, and who feels the same about you - but not until you are ready for it.
Sex, just for the sake of sex, without real love, is just physical sexercise.
And for some sex has so little meaning to the persons concerned that it is on a par with dogs mating.
You are correct to wait. Many people could benefit from your approach.
And also try to find time to read the articles on this site - see the ones by Anonymouse1 - his articles are superb, on how to recognise genuine guys versus players.
It is beautiful that you want a friend who becomes special so affection, caring and love develops slowly. It's a fallacy to introduce sex too early. Far better to grow together, as you discover shared interests and mutually shared outlooks and values and attitudes. Then affection and love blossoms, until you mutually choose when to add sexual relations into the equation
Though the best teacher re loving will be a man who loves and adores you. And who you love and adore back.
The man for you may not even go to pubs. He may be pouring over his law books. Or back packing in Peru. Or picking mango fruit in Australia. Or watching the stockmarket for the investment fund he manages. Or teaching English in Japan. Or developing safe water programs for children at school in Africa. Or counting how many electricians he needs on site for the project he is managing in Doha.
Whoever that man is he will be intelligent, thoughtful and considerate. Loving, fun and non-judgemental. He is the man you do deserve.
And when you get back to UK, think about what else you can do to meet more interesting people than you have to date
And a little PostScript - read this site often enough and, sadly, you will see that many in USA DO start Sex way before they are in love. But often think an initial crush of days or weeks is love, not a crush and not the lust it is. I am sad to say i think it is the same the world over.
You are correct, in that being loud and open minded in the way you talk, may make guys think you are free and easy all the way. But overseas travel will demonstrate there are multiple acceptable ways to relate to people.
I do not think you have to change who you are.
Though i would not be putting out a shingle in neon lights saying 'i'm a virgin'. That's a private matter that should only be discussed about an hour before you commence sexual relations. It is irrelevant in most other social contexts. And by not sharing that private knowledge and your lack of sexual experience you will know you are not being chosen solely as a trophy for your virginity by a 'virgin hunter'.
I see nothing wrong with you waiting a while for someone very special.
Though i would like to see your broaden your social circle. Drunken guys and guys from the pub culture may not represent the best possible suitors.
Good on you for having high standards.
And do make sure you are on the Pill AND use a condon when you finally do have sexual relations. The pill is not enough and a condom is not enough. You need both to stop sexual diseases getting through, and stop a pregnancy.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (28 November 2010):
Well first off, I'd say you're looking for a certain type of guy in the completely wrong crowd. If you meet people at a party as they're drinking and even end up kissing someone, you can bet, especially due to the alcohol, that they'll be looking for more. Parties aren't exactly the right environment for looking for a down to earth guy who is looking to share something more special with you than quick sex.
I know you say you like to have a good time, and you don't have to give that up, but maybe try meeting guys somewhere else. Go to a coffee shop or concert, meet friends from a different group. Once you get out of that party setting, you'd be surprised how many people are out in the world. Like I said, you can still keep your personality, but don't expect the type of guy you're looking for to be at a party. Not that it can't happen, but you're searching for the anomaly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): You should join activity clubs where you can meet guys as clubs and pubs (I assume that's where you were as your 19 and say you were drunk) are te wrong place as guys normally go to be slags
Basically go find a guy in a group of stuff your interested in where you can meet like minded people
Your right to wait for that connection for sex, makes it 10x better in my opinion
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