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How long until he is ready to commit?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 November 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 November 2010)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Just wondering how long it takes before a guy actually wants to commit...not just as in be an official couple, but when they "know" that this is the girl I want to marry.

Background: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Since the very beginning he has told me I am the girl he has always wanted to marry. Then he cheated, twice, and we took a 6 month break, after which we decided to give it a shot one more time.

I asked him tonight what his "plan" is, as far as us goes, and at what age he wants to get married. He said 30 (he is 24) and I mentioned how that seemed like a really long time to be with somebody before committing to marriage (that would be 8.5 years of dating the same person) and he completely could not see where I was coming from. I by no means want to get married right now, but, a year or two from now, if we're in a good place, I will definitely be thinking about engagement. I feel that 3-4 years of dating a person is plenty of time to know whether that person is who you want to marry or not.

I think part of the reasoning behind this is that his parents dated 8 years before getting married, whereas mine dated 6 months. Both couples are still together.

I have always treated him extremely well, never got clingy (though sometimes jealous, rightfully so!) and his parents love me, so I am having a really hard time understanding why he wouldn't want to marry me and get life started...

Curious to hear other people's viewpoints and how long it took you guys to "commit." Thanks everyone!

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (28 November 2010):

mystiquek agony auntYou may not want to hear this, but some men are never ready to commit. They will string a woman along for YEARS always making promises, and in the end, they never do settle down. It all depends on the person, the situation, its a one on one kind of thing. A man can also date a girl for years, never commit, they break up, and six months later he's getting married! see what I mean? The guy you are dating is very young, and he doesn't sound ready at all. You sound TOO ready...not a good combo. You need to decide how long you are willing to wait. Just remember...there's a chance he may NEVER be ready. Who knows?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010):

Sorry, forgive me, but why ever would you want to marry a guy who had already cheated on you twice?

You sound as though marriage itself is the goal, and you just want to get on with it. Then go on to explain how well you treat him, and not clingy. If a man has cheated already in the most formative stages of a relationship, when you should be just getting closer and closer without any CHEATING, then you are highly likely to be setting yourself up for a lifetime of cheating.

He is 24, very young, and 30 is not an unreasonable age to think about marriage, in fact it gives people plenty of time to discover who they are before ever committing to someone else. And from your question, I sense you don't want that part of life, you want to date, then move on to marriage and babies. Nothing whatsoever wrong with that, providing the partner you're with is of the same mind.

By actions, this guy is not. No woman should ever have to ask a guy when he wants to get married, that in itself says he's not ready. There are no rules, some people meet at the same emotional maturity level, same life experiences, have huge chemistry and they both just know. But when hangs back, has been unfaithful it has to be sign, sadly for you, that even IF you get him to walk down the aisle at some point, it's not going to be the happy ever after you seek.

Sometimes, advice is not always what we want to hear, but I believe in being direct so at least it's honest, and if it's brushed aside, so be it, only I would rather help someone to look further into a relationship, than just say what they want to hear.

He may not be the guy for you - and do you really want to marry a man who has been unfaithful to you already?

I personally wouldn't, but then I'm not all out on getting married as though it's the goal to achieve, there has to be quality first and playing away is not a good sign..so sorry!

You can only talk to him, or give yourself a time limit for him to change. And if not, you would then have to decide, are you going to wait or get on with life and find what YOU want and who wants the same as you?

Jilly

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