A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I hope you're all doing well. I am a 20 year old woman who lives in a chaotic family. My mom was abused emotionally and physically by my dad for years, so did I (from my mother and father). Both are still together, however, they are cheating on each other. My mom's case is a lot worse. She sells nudes, gets in multiple relationships with men for money, she'd do anything for extra cash. For some reason, she takes out all her anger and frustration on me specifically because I always stand up for myself and don't take shit from her. She expects me to stay silent even though she lies and emotionally hurts me by humiliating and belittling me. She thinks I'm going to be a horrible mother, that I'm selfish, and will end up alone. She disowned me multiple times, because she thinks I'm disrespectful for not always agreeing with what she says or does. She has typical narcissist characteristics, always playing the victim and crying when I prove her wrong, and sometimes she would hit me if I did so. I can't stand being her slave, always feeling that she wants to pick a fight with me, not trying to show me love or bond. She became like this once I got a job and started paying my own stuff. She thinks that I'm being ungrateful for what she spent on me, now that I spend on my self, she completely changed and noticed that I am no longer attached to her money. She earns some really good cash from men and was spoiling me. However, I got disgusted by her ways and decided to work since my dad can't pay for everything. I'm feeling helpless, and I've reached a point where I feel I don't have a mother. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, for what she went through, for her past and where she is now, but a part of me is also telling me that I'm not responsible for that, neither I should be a puppet. I'm seriously confused, because I really want to believe that there is hope, but based on her actions, I don't think she'll ever change, and this hurts me a lot. How can I forgive and be at peace? What do I do in this situation, because I don't know what to feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2022): Your mother may not change her ways; until she's too old to continue down the path of exploiting her body and looks for money. You know that she has experienced abuse throughout her life; so she has self-esteem issues, and uses her sex-appeal as a tool for survival. She and your father have an unexplainable co-dependency; which is probably far too complicated for you to understand. They won't leave each-other, but live in a cycle of abuse and dysfunction.
My heart sinks when I read stories like yours. It's difficult when you're so young and directly affected by what seems to be due to untreated mental-health disorder, anger-management issues; and the after-effects of physical and emotional abuse. It's hard to fathom that a child remains in this kind of environment, and no-one takes notice. Not a neighbor, grandparents, teachers, school counselor, or your other family-members. I guess such disorder and dysfunction runs throughout families; so it's more or less every man or woman for themselves. Children suffer the collateral damage.
I hope you've gotten, or are getting, yourself an education. Just having a job may not be enough to move-out and support yourself. You may need to get a roommate or two; but you've got to get out of there. You'll find it easier to forgive your parents when you're no longer in the midst of the hot mess of a life they've held you captive in for so much of your life. Forgiveness can be offered whenever you can find it within yourself; but sometimes you'll find that forgiveness isn't enough to make people change. That's an unfortunate fact of life. People often have to hit rock-bottom, and suffer the dire consequences for their choices. Then, and only then, might they be driven to seek recovery and rehabilitation, and then they'll decide to change. Hopefully, they will come to you to ask your forgiveness. They gave you life, so give them a small dose of forgiveness; until you've healed enough to offer them more.
You can't change the past, or your parents; but you can change your environment. It will be harder to support yourself, if you haven't gotten an education above a high school diploma; even if it's an Associates Degree at a community college, or you obtain a certificate through an accredited trade school. Jobs are offering hiring incentives and training; some even offer hiring bonuses that might be enough for a deposit on an efficiency apartment. Start-off small, and find something better when your finances improve. You say you have a job, but you're only 20. Most people finish a four-year college degree around 21 or 22.
Not everyone has that privilege, if they're born into poverty; or live under economic conditions where their parents hustle odd-jobs, earn minimum-wage, and some become exotic dancers, and prostitutes. There is a segment of our society who earn very good money under the table by whatever means. Unfortunately, hustles usually involve crime, drug-dealing, sex-work; or an assortment of menial odd-jobs. The kids suffer, and end-up doing the same things; where others rise above it, and succeed. I hope you'll succeed in spite of your family-dysfunction and abuse.
I recommend that you do some online research for mentoring women's networks that help young-women like you. They lead you to counseling, job-training, education,
job-search/training programs, and services that help young women trapped in family situations or bad relationships. Family-life that perpetuates a cycle of abuse and estrangement; that is often passed-down and repeated, because they know no other life, or lose hope.
You can also seek faith-counseling and worship; and find salvation through ministries that do community-outreach. I'm not talking about some religious-cult; I mean bonafide God anointed church ministries that do referrals for healthcare, mental-health counseling, job placement, and offer community services through charity work; and usually work in conjunction with other community outreach organizations. Many young women escape situations like yours; without turning to abusive-relationships or exploitation. Forgiving your mother will start when you can see light at the end of the tunnel for yourself. Feeling sorry for her is fine, as far as being compassionate; but pity doesn't do much for anybody.
You'll find forgiveness when your heart and soul has healed. You're too deep in the middle of this mess to see your way out; and you haven't reached the point you can afford to support yourself yet, so you can get out of your parents' home. You are surrounded by their dysfunction, and drowning in it. Set a goal for yourself. Get counseling and mentoring from other women, and climb out. When you look back, and the past is far behind you; you'll find the heart to forgive, but don't expect you'll change your parents. They still deserve love and forgiveness; even if they don't change. You'll just have to move-out, and love them from a distance.
You don't fit within their lifestyle of hustle and dysfunction; because they haven't sought any kind of counseling, or considered any manner of self-improvement. All you can see is the mess they've made of their lives; and you're reminded daily of how miserable life has been by living with them. Once you're able to leave, you won't be sitting around judging them for their faults. Looking back from a distance, while living your own life; you can feel more empathy and compassion for them as human beings. God help them, they are lost; but may God save you, and give you a better life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 February 2022):
 If you live with them, save up and MOVE out ASAP.
If you at some point can find a job further away, then take it and move away and CUT all contact.
You ask how you can forgive her, and find peace.
Forgive her for your OWN sake. ACCEPT that THIS is who she is. A mean, manipulative, miserable woman trapped in a bad marriage but that she CHOOSES to stay.
No, she probably won't change. YOU certainly can not change her.
YOU do not have to stay.
You do not have to stay in contact either. IF you need a break from her/them - TAKE a break. Change your phone number etc. Get some distance there.
As for the "job" she chose, maybe she doesn't have any marketable skills other than her looks or she felt is an easy way to make money. There is a reason websites such as "only-fans" are as popular as they are.
Focus on YOU, your life, and YOUR future. You can't change the past, you can't change her or your dad.
Make an "escape plan" and get out ASAP.
And no, OP none of her words or behaviors is YOUR fault.
...............................
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