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anonymous
writes: My wife has had vaginal intercourse (about 48 times with three guys, 6+12+30), anal intercourse (one time each with two guys), and/or oral sex (about twenty five times from four guys) with six men other than me. She has given manual and/or oral sex about ten times each for five of these guys too. She has cheated on two of her boyfriends. She has had sex in public and even taped a video. She is extremely ashamed now, but I continually think about specifics of these acts and it makes me question my love for her. I can't stay happy because my mind's eye manages to conjure an image. I've tried getting my mind on other things, but just can't seem to manage. What should I do?P.S. I'm not worried about measuring up to past boyfriends, I just want to find a way to let go of these negative feelings.
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reader, whattodowithmarriage  +, writes (1 October 2008):
Just curious as to how you've been doing original poster? Ive read this entire post and I was a little late chiming in, but that almost exactly my situation with my wife of now 8 years, except we have 2 kids which has made my decision very very difficult. Here goes with my story (in short):
Im in the same situation as you only probably worse off. Last year after 7 years of marriage I overheard my wife saying that she lost count after 100!!! And this was between the ages of 12-18. While I knew she had been with alot, I had asked her when we had gotten serious dating and said 30? her response was "I dont know", I then said 40? 50? and she said no! So I assumed some where between 30 and 40. I was not comfortable with that at all, but my love overcame the hurt I was feeling at that point. So we married and she had a previous child and we then had a son of our own. We had problems in our 1st 5 years of marriage she was still talking to an ex of hers (her 1st) and I caught her emailing another guy from her past whom she swore she had no relations, or even kissed, but then why would she deny talking to this person? So I have developed trust issues with my wife and its very hard regaining that trust because I feel our marriage was based on a lie from the start now and yes I feel that this is something I needed to know about before we married especially since I had asked and she didnt tell the truth about her number. Had I known the truth I as well do not think I could have gone through with the marriage and knowing what I do now makes me feel as though I was suckered into marriage and now that we have kids I feel locked/trapt in. I hate feeling that way but I just cant seem to look at my wife the same way any more and I lost so much respect for her, because I just cant imagine how some one could do that to their body. Sex has almost no meaning anymore because I dont feel like Im special to her, or like she see's herself as a gift to me when its been "given" to so, so many.
I know its rough, but I pray daily for God to heal my wounded heart and help me forgive my wife and it helps to know that Im far from perfect and have my own sins, but I know God put us together for a reason and again had she told me the truth I probably would not have married her.
I had thought I was getting better, but the past few weeks I'm really thinking I'll never get over this and be able to be In Love with my wife again even though I'll always love her. And to me thats not fair to her, nor to me, but I just dont know how to, or how I would explain divorce to my kids and I wouldnt tell them exactly why, but I just dont want anyone to suffer, but again its not fair for me to suffer either. However I dont feel this is my fault if I cant get over it, because she lied to me when I specifically asked her the # question (I remember the night very specifically), so I didnt have the opportunity to choose to be with her, or not based on the truth. Im very confused and am really happy with the way she's turned out, but our marriage was all based on lies!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): I know this question is old but I want to add my 2 cents... Our society has worked very hard to make this problem, something men have agonized over for thousands of years, something to be ashamed of. Ladies it does not go away. When we love you the thought of someone else being inside you and you casually or romatically giving it up to somebody else is worse than any physical pain imaginable. This doesn't make us evil, it doesn't make us wrong, or bad, or stupid, it makes us men. And men, good men, have always had trouble dealing with this and we always will. Yes you can find men who don't care, to them sex is just a physical release and you are their woman of the hour. The thought of others inside you really doesn't phase them because to them sex is just a shallow transfer of fluids and a way to feel good for 22 minutes. They don't care who is under them. Not that long ago it was understood that love and sex were intertwined. Prostitutes were *never* sought after as mates despite their willingness to do everything because as a necessary fact of survival they severed the link between sex and love. To a *good* man, the kind who'll stay with you, this link is very strong. He puts his lady on a pedestal and wants with all his heart to hold her aloft, proud and pleased. How does this man feel when the lady on his arm has been with the guy across the table? What thoughts go through any man of quality? The consequences (can't speak of those can we ladies?) is he deadens his emotions, grows cold to the trollop on his hand, he has too because to do otherwise is to minimize and shame himself. Women may never understand this but they will suffer the consequences regardless of what feminism has taught. I was in a marriage for almost 10 years. I had never been intimate with anyone before my wife but my wife had slept with a friend of mine. I honestly thought I could suppress the dark thoughts and keep the images at bay but they *NEVER* subside. Understand this ladies THOSE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DO NOT GO AWAY. It is akin to PTSD and the male version of being raped. The fact that there are no support groups and only shame and guilt as we told repeatedly that it shouldn't matter makes it all that much worse. Modern feminism demands we take it and like it and it makes us cold and unfeeling. And there is something else for those who think that they can get over this even though it really bothers you now... Do not expect that your lady love will be understanding about any of it over the long term. The fact that it still bothers you will not matter as it will not bother her and you will be made to feel less a man for your feelings. If you fight about it, defend your right to feel a certain way or try to withdraw (this is a mans natural response to this), she might choose to rub your face in it and graphically describe her past experiences just to get back at you for not getting over it quick enough. Can you deal with that? Is your self esteem such a tower of iron that you can listen to your wife laugh and openly compare you to her past lovers? No? Then cut your losses. I didn't it and I regretted it. My only defense was to back off when the chilling thoughts entered my mind - and I was badgered constantly over this. Things got steadily worse and we grew apart. Eventually I got the evening surprise of locks changed, false charges filed, divorce, etc. Being compared in the most intimate ways with other men was too much yet that is exactly what women who sleep around ask of their future husbands. Woe be unto the man who earnestly believes that his future mate should consider him when it interferes with Saturday night fun. As long as the disease is curable or there was an abortion so no kids - we aren't supposed to care. They will not understand this and will argue that we should feel nothing about it. Some men don't feel this way, some simply do not care. If you are not them then you must look out for yourself. You will do your lady no favors by marrying her and housing these thoughts - they will diminish your kindness, caring, understanding, and affection. You can not take an aspirin to get rid of them and unlike 97% of the people in the world I will tell you that your feelings are NATURAL and you are not evil for feeling them. You will have to deal with them and the best way (honestly) is to move on and find a woman you can feel free to love without inhibition (which is what we are really talking about - you are NOT free right not to love her completely). It is recipe for disaster. Good luck.
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reader, LV +, writes (17 July 2008):
I can totally understand your feelings. I have been married 23 years to my wife. Through an email message that I mistakenly received, I found out after 23 years that my wife had a sexual relationship with a man that resulted in an abortion. She never told me anything about this relationship. When I confronted her about the contents of the email, I shared that I was both shocked and hurt. I told her that she should have told me while I was dating her and before I asked her to marry me. Now after 23 years, I have to fight the thoughts and emotions that are associated with this secret relationship. When I share with my wife how I feel, I get the following answer - that was in the past and over. I have no feelings about it. When I ask her why did she not tell me, she says that she did not think that she had to. When I share my feelings, she only says that all of this is in the past. I can't shake the thought of another man sleeping with my wife. I can't shake the thought that there would have been a child who would now be over 24 who never made it. My advice to you is this...realize that the thoughts will always come to you about the other men. When someone loves another person, they desire that no one else would share that love. The other guys have been there already (they have made love to her). You will never have the privilage of being the only one. Now, if you really love her, then swallow hard and make the most of it. Again, with the understanding that the 'package' includes more than you. That is a hard thing but a true thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Hi all,I am currently in this posion,I met my fantastic wife 25 years ago, she was 17 me 19 and we hit it off and love blossomed. I eventualy tried it on for sex around 2 months in but she told that she was a virgin and dont rush it.I waited a while longer and eventualy got my prize. For 25 yaers I have been so happy and proud that my wife is all mine and 2 children in and life is great.Then 3 weeks ago I was asking her if was she ever curious about not having another man, well a bomb dropped on my head when she told me that she had sexual relationships with 2 guys before me. After 25 years of this not being in my thoughts it is now ripping me apart that my pure bride ( apart from me) is not pure at all.I feel that I don't know her and that the women I had been with all those years has gone and this one is an imposter.she said she told me that she was a virgin to get some time as the other relatiomships were abusive and that I would get what I wanted and then dump her, then when she fell in love with me she couldn't tell me the truth incase I dumped her for lying. we are both very upset with it all but I think that had she told me at the begining things would have been ok. 25 years of what I see as betrayal is hard to swallow.I am confident of her faithfulness in marriage and while we were courting but after getting some details out of her all I do is dwell on poitions and locations and that this just cant be true.I love her deaply and need to find away thru this but the road seems long and full off obsticals. good luck to all those in this position ,I have found some comfort finding other people in this position on this site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I sympathise with you - I have suffered this way for many years. My wife told me her history (LOTS of casual sex, one night stands etc) when we were seeing each other before we were married. I actually told her not to say the number as I didn't want to know - but for some reason (she later said she thought I'd think she was more exciting & sophisticated!!) she did, and it has hurt and tormented me ever since (BIG number!). I was in love with her and I married her. We have a child and I could never leave my child, but although my wife loves me, I do not believe that sex can mean anything for her other than physical release - because after sleeping around so much it has little meaning for her (she does like sex, but there is no love involvement in it for her), and I feel that we thus lose out on that deep intimacy. Also, I know that on at least one occasion we've run into one of the men -even though we live a long way from where she used to. If it were a proper ex-boyfriend then this would not be so bad, but it was a "one night stand" guy, and I find that humiliating....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I found this question whilst searching for an answer to the same question. I've been married 11 years now and am tormented by the same things - numerous one night stands she had in the past and so on. If we did not have a lovely child I guess I'd have had to leave before now over it. Oddly, I love, her, but the truth is I hate her for telling me this and it has soured our relationship. Although it goes into the background at times, our relationship would be many times better if she had not told me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I am curious if in other cases, like those posted here, the wife can say at one time "not my proudest moment" but at the next, defend the other person when called out. My wife once slept with a man who was older, and sometimes she would claim embarrassment, yet when I joke how this guy is now an old man, she tries to defend. She does herself no favors in doing this. More so, if any women come to this post, I am curious about this from a female perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I don't know if this post will ever find a pair of eyes, but truth is, when you sleep with someone, you are making a promise with your body. And the decision to do so says a lot about a person. I have been dealing with discomfort in regards to this for a LONG time. My girlfriend chose to sleep with an older man, about 12 years her senior, when she was 20. The guy claimed he was divorced, but you know how that goes. Anyway, despite the discomfort she claimed she felt the first time, she let it happen again, including oral. That was it. Much like her other lovers, she will claim memory lapse when its convenient, and sometimes says its none of my business. Perhaps. However, in this day and age, don't you want to know where your lover has been? It is my business. I have discovered there are just a certain group of guys and girls who hold themselves, life, and life decisions to a higher standard. I have swept it under the rug, and tried to move on, but decisions say a lot about a person. My advice to all of you who struggle with the past of a lover - get out. In this one life, you get what you ask for. Put yourself on a pedistal, and only settle for what you deserve. Decide what you can accept and live with and settle for nothing less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): You have asked too many questions already. And I hate to say it, but you've created your own demons. I know where your coming from because, having been married 14 years to my first wife, I made the mistake when we first met (as a young, naive and stupid 19 year old) of assuming that because I was a virgin, my ex was also. And when that wasn't the case, I asked, in detail, every little thing about her past liaisons. And the disclosure of such intimate experiences made the first few years of our relationship, and well into our marriage, a problem that I secretly struggled with. That marriage failed for many reasons. But after my divorce, I "made up for lost time" and began dating again. Ten short months as a single parent in my early thirties, I met "Sara". The women who after exclusively dating for two years asked me to marry her (Yes. She asked me.)I knew when we met that Sara had been very promiscuous during her college years. Her reputation for being an ex party girl was well founded. So much so that she makes my first wife seem like a nun. But what could I have expected from a stunningly beautiful, fiercely independent career women who had spent her entire adult life as a single mother? It bothers me. But I did not ask for any details nor have I pryed into her past anymore than to understand the road she traveled to become the women I had met and fell in love with. The details of her sexual exploits are left there. In the past. I hate to say this, but, having broached the subject so in depth with your own wife is a problem you've made for yourself. Im speaking from experience. It took me years in my first marriage to forget the gory details of those images running through my mind. I guarantee you I didn't make that same mistake twice when I met Sara. Time will help. But they will haunt you, my friend. Those images never really go away. They may get more fuzzy as time goes on. But they wont stop coming around from time to time.... Whether your marriage can sustain this little roadblock or not.....keep in mind that the best philosophy to adhere to when it comes to this subject now...or in the future. Dont ask. Dont tell.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Hello, its currently 2:45am... well.. i understand how you feel.. imagine the one u love actually slept with a very famous person and u have to see his face all the time on the billboards.. the tv.. the radio.. it drives me crazy.. sometimes i just sleep outside the room because i cant even look at her.. i just think why did she gave herself to a married famous man.. if she knows she's not gonna marry him why did she do it... she talks about people sleeping with other people and i get very angry because its her too.. if you know what i mean.. i really love her dearly but sometimes breaking up with her would give my mental image mind a rest... i really dont know what to do.. dismay oh dismay.. anyways... should try hypnotherapy.. take care...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Well I'm in the same boat as the other one timers here. It's more common that you think it is. I have four other friends that are also in the boat with us.People have sex. Period. Whether you were too paranoid to take advantage of situations (like me) or just plain never had the opportunity to have sex before, there is nothing wrong with you. Every person's life is different. Different obstacles in life create different behaviors in people. Situations in my life caused me to never have sex until recently. Situations in my girlfriend's life caused her to have sex with other people.When I found out about her past, I was devastated. It's a natural response to be upset when the perfect picture you painted of a person is randomly scribbled on. You want that feeling of bliss back and reality won't let you go back to that foolish day dream.I honestly thought she was a virgin when we met due to misunderstandings. When I found out she wasn't it took me awhile to process my emotions and when I decided I loved her and wanted this to last forever I went ahead and had intercourse with her. It was great.Then I got curious and asked about specifics and that is where the devastation happened. I thought it was only a couple people, but it was actually quite of few before me. I of course freaked out and didn't know what to think. I think I did something that some of you have not though. I asked why she did it. Not the specifics of the act, the reasoning behind the acts. You see, if I didn't ask why I would be stuck dwelling over why she would do such a thing. Her reasons were understandable, but this doesn't clear out the emotions I have over the subject, it only helps. One day I'm going to realize that she did those things because she thought she would be happier, but I'm the only one that can make her truly happy. So the past actually doesn't matter, it was just trial and error. We've all done things we dislike, sometimes really dumb things, or really hurtful things. That too was trial and error. The day I stop placing her sexual organs on a pedestal only because she was my only experience is the day I can truly she her as a person, not an object. I'm doing okay now, I only really dwell on this stuff when we're apart. When we're together I'm constantly reminded of who she is as a person, not just a sex object. I suggest you people do the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): I find it ridiculous that some of you say, "everyone has a sexual past". No, not EVERYONE. Maybe this society promotes that but not everyone buys into that and one doesn't have to bow down to the people who do choose to treat sex so non-chalantly.
Anyway, I'd say that you need to stop with the details, find out NO MORE. The man I hope to marry had sexual intercourse with one partner and oral with two others. And myself...none. At some point I started asking questions, like if they'd ever taken showers together and that alone killed me. If I knew every position, the total amount of times (the girl he had intercourse with were on and off for all 4 years of college, so it must be a huge number), or any more details I think it would kill me. So even when I think I want to ask something, I don't. You seem to have the same personality. So deal with the big issue of her having had sex with anyone before you and don't add more to it.
This STILL devistates me like many of you have mentioned. We've been together for close to 2 years but the hurt of him having experienced sex with someone else for the first time is overwhelming. Sometimes he suggests that I go out and have sex with someone else to even out the stakes but obviously that wouldn't change the past.
I want to marry this man but I know he fears that I will always chastize him for the past. Is it so wrong to be hurt? I don't know if I can ever make it go away but does it even have to? It only hurts me because I care about him and I don't feel I sit around bullying him about it. When I bring it up it's only because the pain is so great that I can't keep it inside and since he's my best friend it's natural to look to him for comfort but the mention of the subject makes him upset. Oh the unfairness of life.
Best of luck to you all with similar situations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I have known my girlfriend for only three months, but I still cry and feel deep anguish whenever I think of her being intimate with other guys in the past. She and I will have a great day together, and then at night I will ruin it for myself by letting these hideous images consume my mind.
I realize that I need to make a choice. Either accept that she is not perfect and love her for who she is, or resent her for her past mistakes.
She is wonderful. We truly love each other. We do so much for each other and have spent countless beautiful days together. I fell in love with her, and I choose to love her and build something special with her. I choose to be a responsible boyfriend with respect, honor and love for her.
If I cannot accept that she is not perfect, she deserves a better man.
But today she chooses to be with me. She has saved the last dance for me.
Love extinguishes hate. All I have to do is think about how much we love each other, and all of those nasty gremlins go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): "let bygones be bygones"..sleeping with someone or many is not a crime till u have the right resons for it.its ur flesh not ur soul u offer,untill u want.pasts must be buried for the evolution of a dawning present or forthcoming future..even u must have done things in ur past u regret or simply want to forget thinking them as mishaps...judge ur wife fairly from her NOW,her love ,her care,her honesty n the will to offer..not by her past..as its all over.u have the beauty to today in ur hands dont trample it with irratinal questions n meagre discussions..life is beautiful enjoy it to the fullest... god bless u
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): My advice to you is to think about the happiness she brings to your life. I too have this problem thinking about the woman that is now my wife, past. I know a lot of it but not all and I do not ask. She doesn't ask about mine and she knows that I have had a past myself. I just learned to let go and think that she picked me to be her husband and I picked her to be my wife. We both have past that we do regret but the happiness and joy we bring each other blocks all of that out. Just think about those times and learn to let go so you can have a lifetime of happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): I often surf the net and wind up in all kinds of places, today I'm here.The one thing that sticks out about this post is the exact details, which are obsessive.Obsessive behaviour is destructive in any form let alone in the delicate realms of a relationship.I urge this person to cease this obsession with what was and focus on the what will be.For to continue with such an obsession will surely lead to only one thing... seperation.Focus on your relationship as you would like it to be and it shall come to pass, focus on the past and that's what you will get... a past relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): People come into relationships with a past. She has one and you have one. Also her shame shows that she is not the same person today as she was then. She's learned from her mistakes.
Are you perfect?? Are you the same person you were 5 years ago? Have you grown as a human being and a man??
She chose you for a life's partner.. that's all that matters.. let the past go and focus on building a future together..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Guys stop dwelling on this bullshit. it only digs you deep. i had issues with all my girlfriends but you eventually get over it. Just look into your past and you'll see your no angel either. My girlfriend is great and has excepted my past partners and drugs issues. and respects me for overcoming these issues. she is one partner ahead of me and this was an issue, but when you realize that you love this person all that bullshit will be put behind. Jealousy or resentment is not love. and if yuo took vows about you love for this person maybe you should rethink your thoughts. the past is the past. and if it is true love you wont let dumb shit bother you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): I had the same problem. I was a virgin when I met my wife 14 years ago. She told me she had only done it once and when pressed told me it was actually twice but he never got it in. Only recently did she come clean and told me it was a sexual relationship that lasted for 6 months. I was crushed that she lied to me. She told me that she lied because she knew I would be insecure. What the hell does insecurity have to do with it? My own wife who I trust lied to me about sex. I even gave my virginity to her. I decided that the only way to deal with the pain is to stop having sex with her and hope that one day she leaves. She can no longer be trusted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): For all the females whu responded above to this topic, saying that its insanity to ask ones wife abt her past life....I must say, that they themselves are insane or hv had many sexual pleasures with their respective mates over number of times before marriage. A married couple shud know everything about each other which includes sexual past. and SEX isnt just anything which can be considered normally, its giving up ones privacy and trust to someone else. Not telling abt ur sexual past be marriage is as good as hiding AIDS at the time of marriage. According to me..Divorce is the solution..sooner the better
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Does it really matter? I have had one sex partner in life my wife of 16 years, we married at 25. She has had between 51-56 sex partners, most more than once. It doesn't make me feel less of a man, nor does it make me think less of her. The past is the past. Stop wishing you were her first, and set out to be her last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): The hurt never ends. Believe me. After 50 years of marriage the pain is still there. I did not enter the marriage by choice, she was pregnant and while she had an extensive background with many partners and I had none, I was shamed into the marriage and lived with the pain all these years. Only recently did I realize how she had manipulated me.
I did have some satisfaction out side the marriage and found this to be a partial solution to my pain but it is still incomplete and hurts everyday.
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reader, Marcellas +, writes (11 July 2007):
it's not about judging or any of that. It's that someone you love, did all that with someone else, and there's nothing you can do to undo it. And it is a big deal. The lie thing is a big thing with men. We need to get over it all, but first we need to be able to face it. All the guys who did you wife know all the details. If the "loving hubby" is kept out, and not alowed to know, what's that? Makes a man feel like a fool, when he finds out. Of course some obsess. I like the sober minded folks here who have expressed it's about honesty. I was surprised to find other have to deal with resentment about being either lied to, or kept in the dark about thinks that other guys can certainly remember, how she felt, what she did, how much fun it all was..... and i'm not supposed to know? anyway, i appreciate this forum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): About the time we were to get engaged my wife to be made a point of telling me of her past sex partners. I'd known she wasn't a virgin when we met but, at 24, I hadn't expected her to be. She'd had sex with eight different guys before me. Her history included romances, affairs and some one night stands.
It blew my mind at the time. She said she'd had to pluck up courage for her confession and had agonised over whether or not to tell all. Once I'd calmed down I appreciated her honesty. I knew then that this was a woman for the long haul and we celebrated our 40th anniversary earlier this year.
My advice to girls is to come clean before the wedding. Then he has time to get used to it and over it. After all losing a boy friend is a lot less painful than getting divorced. From the other submissions on this topic it is easy to see that men are very upset if they have been deceived about their wife's past. And the truth does have a way of coming out. So girls, tell all beforehand and let him get over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): I have been in this position with girls before but thankfully my wife was a virgin. Let's face it , you can't just forget about it , it's always there. There is that gremlin at the back of your head , keeps raising the alarm bells , "look what she's done" ,the anger in yourself starts to eat away at you , it spoils something that would have been so beautiful , it's not your fault at all. It will be with you for the rest of your life and will probably not fade with time as , I suspect some people might advise you. It is perfectly normal for you to feel this way. You are not insecure or jealous as some may suggest.Her past activities are disgusting theres no doubt about that , let's call a spade a spade.
So , what can be done?
What alternatives are there?
Well , you could divorce her , but this is not a good option either is it , if you are happy in all other ways. The only advice I can give is to try and not resist or fight these feelings , just let them run their course and accept that we dont live in a perfect world , youre not the only one. The only way forward is to just get on with things the best you can. I can only add that you are going to have to try and take the "dont care" attitude ,although it is not a solution in it's own right , there is no solution for this. You cant cure this problem in full. But you have to try
best of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): I don't think you should worry about your wife's past. For many girls low self esteem in their teens is an issue for them and having sex is an attempt to raise it. Almost all girls after marriage put their past life behind them and forget about it. It is no longer important for them. Their focus is now on their husbands, their home and in due course their kids.
I would say that if your wife's sexual past bothers you the problem is within you and not your wife. If she is loving, faithful and true to you and the marriage then you have solid gold on your hands. Appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): I am dealing with the same issues. I found out my wife was NOT who she made herself out to be. I knew she wasn't a virgin, but I didn't know she was with as many as she finally admitted. I got physically ill, followed by extreme anger that she had lied to me for so long (I never lied about my past). I still can't get the images out of my head. Don't let any whore on this site tell you to "just get over it" or "you have the problem." Women love to play both sides. They want respect but whore themselves out and expect to be treated like a lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): I tried last time to include my email, but unfortunately it was blocked (as per policy I assume). I would like to invite those who visit this site to join my new yahoo! group called "spousal sexual secrets" where these issues can be discussed openly and anonymously. If we don't talk about it amongst ourselves the pain is never alleviated. groups.yahoo.com/spousal_sexual_secrets
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Hi everybody,
I too am struggling with my current partner. We're both divorced, however it's not her ex-husband that bothers me. You get married, you're in love, you have a sexual relationship - no problems here.
I just can't over the fact that at age 24, she decided her first partner would be the drummer from Oasis, in a hotel room in Tokyo (she's Japanese). Admittedly it was a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday.
The fact that it is all so VISUAL (I know what he looks like, sounds like) not to mention how I feel and react when a damn Oasis song comes on.
I just can't get over the fact that she gave herself to a guy, for free, her first time, simply because she liked the music and that he was famous. When I imagine the adoration she would've shown to this guy, and what happened in that hotel room - I'm just a regular guy, this is all a bit too much for me to handle.
This whole thing has been with me for 18 months now, and is not getting any better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): I can relate to your experience, and the experiences of the men who have also posted here. After years of being married, and having thought I knew about my wife, it turned out she had been hiding the fact of her sexual history from me. I knew only a tiny portion of it. It is devastating and don't let anyone tell you you can't be devastated. It is a form of betrayal; she was pretending to let me know her. Yes, you can feel hurt, betrayed and regret the fact that you married someone who was less than honest with you. I have had enough of people just saying "get over it" as if it is that easy. We need to work through this, just as anyone has to work through any emotionally damaging experience. Don't deny the pain, it has to be there. I wish I had seen this post a year and a half ago, when you wrote it. It has been just over two years since my wife told me about her sexual past. I also wish there was some way we, who have suffered this fate, may get together and talk about our pain in a safe place. If, somehow, any males would be interested in forming a virtual group to get together and try to find healing from this, email me. I do have hope we can work through this, stay married and love our wives in the process. My email is [email address blocked].
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I think about her "taking it in the ass" - from the last guy she was with - every day. I know because that's exactly what he told me on the day it happened. It tortures me inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): You know what, I'm tired of women having all the fun and then duping a virgin guy into marriage. This simply is not fair to the man that will NEVER experience a vagina other than the one he is locked in to by marriage.
Women, this is bullshit and you know it! You were able to experience plenty of cock simply because you were not married, and then go lock some poor dude down and deny him the pleasures of playing the field that you have already had. I think this is one of the most selfish things a woman can do to a man.
I might sound bitter because I'm in this scenario as well. My wife is the only woman that I have been with but she has had one previous partner. We have been married for 10 years and her past has not bothered me until recently.
We have talked about some solutions but most have to do with divorce so that I can have my "fun" too. To me, this is a lose-lose situation. If I divorce her to have my fun, then I have lost everything that I have worked for these past 10 years. If I stay married, then I am doomed to constantly battling the urge for variety of vagina.
How are we expected to remain faithful for the rest of our lives to one vagina when the "modern" society constantly promotes sex? As men, we are made to feel like failures if we have not had much variety of vagina or worse, if we remain virgins too long.
The only thing that separates the past from the present is that one confusing idea of marriage where men are constantly forced to deny their instinct while women hunker down and grow old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): Where are the numbers coming from? Did you press her for those numbers? Did she volunteer them of her own accord?
It sounds like she wanted to come clean and confess so that you knew what you were getting into and she, herself overlooked that she is no longer that woman and no longer lives her life like that. It sounds like she hasn't forgiven herself for her past. She obviously has learnt from it as she doesn't want to continue living that lifestyle.
You need to write down the good qualities about her and all the kind things she has done for you. When you get these thougts, take out your list and list them out loud. Carry a picture of you and her in your wallet. Have her write a letter as to why she adores you and read that as well.
Focus on the good of her and all that she brings you and forgive her and help her forgive herself.
Best of Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): The number of times she has had sex with other guys, really isn't important. Probably what bothers you is the number of guys, whether she had sex with 3 guys 48 times or with 48 guys I'm sure that would bother you more. My wife and I were friends, so she told me about at least 12 guys and even admitted to having sex in public. What hurts is that it has altered the way I look at her. It's hard not to look at her as a whore, especially when I know the guys who she had sex with, so the visual is all to easy. I go through many times of depression, anger and despair. Our problem is two fold one, I wonder if I'm satisfying her two sometimes she wonders if I'm attracted to her, I guess because she had so many others who were. I realize the past is the past and nothing can be done about the past and yes she says she's ashamed of the things she has done, but I don't think it's so much about an insecurity as it as about a change of perception of the one you care so much about. Almost like a feeling of betrayal. I've noticed how it's mostly women who say to let it go, and it's probably those who have a similar past and want it forgotten. If you found out later in life that your husband was a serial rapist would your opinion of him be the same?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): Er....."Dont be unevenly yoked" "what does the darkness have in common with the light"but i dont want to use the bible as a weapon. But thats the words just read them and ask if you really understand them. You know the reason thoses things are said are for our benefit. Life is very subtle. Things never seem that bad. But they corrupt your soul.Face it women have an unfair hand when it comes to sex. they say who where and when.I think its unfair to say that a bad girl and a good girl should be judged if they are wearing a smile on their face.actions speak louder then words. I dont understand this double think. You are saying lust is ok but jealousy is not.Face it most of you guys dont have a clue. Funny how all these whore like women end up with inexperienced men. Do they know something.If someone rented a room from you and told you they were a murderer after 6 months renting....you would be pissed offSo if you discover that your whole relationship is based on a lie (never exsited) then what do you do.If these women were so open minded in the first place why not tell the truth and let you make up your own mind.I think it just proves again that they are selfish and only care for them selfs. You can have big fun and sex or you can be boring and get married.but you can't have your cake and eat it.and who wants to be with a 35+ woman who was a bitch when she had looks?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): Be it 10, 20, 30 or even just once... it make no diff. The haunting just goes on and on and on. In my case, my wife, whom I so dearly love have had one relationship. That alone I cant handle. Been married for almost 15 years having 3 kids. Did not have any problems then until a year ago the images of she and him being in "one flesh". It just kills me. It easy to say to forget it, think of other stuffs about her, or the kids, or work, or other SHIT!!! I CANT DO IT!!!! Why must this happens to me. Why must ppl have sex before marriage. Why the one I love have to have such experience. Why!What is this world coming to??? Are we gonna tell our kids its ok to do such things!! I thought I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. Definitely wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006): I have had the same issue with my wife of 10 yrs. I was a virgin when we met; she took my virginity, as a matter of fact i have never had sex with anyone else.
She told me that i took her virginity.I found out two years into our marriage that that was not true. I found out that she cheated on me when we were kids (were 30). I have forgiver her; God mandates that, but i have not forgotten. it still haunts me.
About two yrs into our marriage she admitted that she had sex with 10 partners (including her uncle who abused her), and and adult neighbor who paid her because he new that she was needy.
I feel guilty about asking her about her partners and why she lied to me. But i need to know details for closure. Sometimes I think that I am going nuts about it. Dont get me wrong, we have a wonderful marriage this is the only argment that we have consistantly.
I tell her that i feel cheated;i went through college and did not think of anyone else.
The only reason she told me about me not being her only partner is because her child-molesting uncle gave her an STD, so then it was obveous to me that she had had sex before. i don't blame her for being abused; i blame her for lying to me when i asked about her history.
I know now that it is normal to think about her past.
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