| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm a very insecure woman and it's affecting me a lot now that I'm in a relationship.Ok, so first things first, I'm 25 and as a child I had friends and was sociable and didn't care about my appearance. When I grew up, as a teenager, I was shy and found it difficult to connect with others and make friends. I was also taller and chubbier than most girls. As a result, I was bullied through high school and never had dates or guys my age interested in me. I've never really gotten over that. I know there's nothing I can do to change it, but I still feel like a loser and ugly and not good enough. I feel like I'll always be that girl. I'm always comparing myself to other women, especially my appearance. While it improved a little after high school, I still find myself ugly (some aspects I can change, but most I can't, and not even surgery would help). I do get some attention from guys, but not as much as my prettier friends. So I still feel ugly. Also, my number of sexual partners is low for my age, which also makes me feel like a loser, though rationally I know it doesn't anything to do with it. But emotionally, I feel the same as in high school, as I don't have as much experience as people my age, I feel it must be because I'm ugly and socially awkward. Also because aside from my ex boyfriend, other sexual experiences have been casual, and I have taken it personally when these guys only contacted me for sex. One of them was particularly hurtful, as I actually liked him and in the beginning he made me feel like he really liked me too, but in the end, he just talked to me whenever he fancied just having sex with me.Despite this, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy. The thing is, he's really sociable and has a VERY high number as he slept around a lot, and did many exciting things, like threesomes and such. I find it intimidating, my heart betrays me and I guess what I feel is along the lines of "how could a pathetic,ugly loser like me ever measure up to all that he's experienced sexually?".His high number also remind me of my own low number, my lack of experience an such. I really hate my past for being so, well, non-existent. I have felt insecure compared to my female friends having more extensive and adventurous sex lives than mine, but when it's your SO, the impact is much bigger. He has so many friends, a lot of them women, a lot of them girls who wanted him, a lot of them girls he's had casual encounters with. He has many of them in Facebook, and he sees many of them often (social circles, etc.) We sometimes run into them. Of course he has no interest in them, but I feel threatened, nonetheless, because they are what I'm not: pretty and sociable.And that's the thing. I know the core issue here is not his past, or even my past, but my self esteem. I'm still shy and socially awkward, so I don't have many friends, I'm extremely "low key", and thus I think I'm boring, I really can't deal with small talk and I find it extremely difficult to feel comfortable in places where I hardly know anyone (like when we go to parties with his friends and such). I'm just not a sociable, friendly person. I only feel comfortable with a handful of people.Like I said, I also don't feel beautiful, for things I can't change (my thin hair, my height, my pear shape, my facial bone structure, my breast size, etc). I don't want surgery, but I guess it's a last resort, but then there are other things surgery can't help.I'm sorry this post was so long, but I felt the need to explain in detail. How can I raise my self esteem? People often say "you have to work on your self esteem to stop being insecure", BUT HOW? Also, I know he chose me and not someone else, and the past is the past, but it doesn't sink in... can I ever become more sociable and feel comfortable with my sad past? Do you think I'll ever accept myself for who I was instead of forever feeling like a loser?I'm in a committed relationship now. I won't go and have sex with a bunch of people just to prove myself something. That's something I already didn't do, it's not an option now. How can I feel ok with my past now, especially when my boyfriend's past reminds me of how little I've lived?
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bullied, facebook, insecure, my ex, self esteem, shy, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): I think you know a lot of the answers/truth here yourself but don't believe things can change. All that needs to change, is your PERSPECTIVE about yourself and who you are. You really need to discover things that YOU like, not what you think you should like. You could suprise yourself by 'daring to think you are a unique individual' with qualities and talents that at this time are probably HIDDEN. I would say that the talk of physical change will not resolve a great deal,it may well make the surface better for you but issues will still be underneath. Please try and do something totally different for YOU and special, make discoveries about yourself without the need for votes. Go dancing, start painting, wear a hat, dress how you REALLY would like too, if you had a clean slate, with no emotional baggage and false belief about yourself that clouds and darkens your judgment about who you are. Don't measure yourself by Social Media friendships, that most part are absolute rubbish. Measure yourself by been TRUE to yourself and living life how YOU want to.Sex comes in many shapes and forms and this also should not be measured by belief's.Self belief,self esteem,self love, are the best medicine that can and will change your perspective on past present and the future you wish to create.Good luckand above all remember a sense of humour lifts any broken heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): To WiseOwlE,I know my post might sound depressing, but it's not that I only see the negative in life. But people put a lot of emphasis on being young, and beautiful, and having lots of sex and lots of friends, etc. Ever since high school. And sometimes it's hard to get over that hurt... because rejection hurts, it hurts deeply. And for a good part of my life, I've felt rejected both by guys and potential friends.I'm not saying you should pity me and that life should hand me everything in a silver platter. But I haven't figured out a way of letting go of my past hurts, that's all. I know I have to "get over it", "it's not relevant now", etc., but IT'S HARD. I still feel small and worthless sometimes, not because I want to, but because things didn't magically change after high school. Granted, it's not as awful, but socially, I haven't kept up with my peers.I don't want to make my boyfriend miserable either. I know he owes me nothing. I just find it intimidating. That's all. It makes me feel like maybe I don't measure up, or that eventually he'll want to go back to his old ways and the emotional investment will have been in vain. Maybe he'll eventually get over the novelty of the relationship and stop being attracted to me, maybe he already compares me to other girls he's slept with. Maybe when they see us, they think I'm pathetic because they've already had him (I've heard other women say such things about men they've had sex with, really). I don't know BUT I DON'T LIKE FEELING LIKE THIS. That's all I know. If I did, I wouldn't be looking for advice. I like your idea of writing only positive things that happen. Trust me I'm grateful that I have my family, my health and my boyfriend. But then again, a lot of people take that for granted and still focus on the superficial, how people look, how can X be dating Y, and such. I know, I shouldn't pay attention to people like that, but it's hard not to.I thank life everyday for letting me see, hear, taste, smell and touch, for letting me walk or run if I want to, that I have a family and that I don't live in a country where there is war. But some other things can get in the way. Life is not easy. Thanks for the help.
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 Don't let your past dictate your future. Many people were bullied in school, but they don't hold on to it, they take it and use it as a tool to grow stronger and you can do this too. Don't think you're alone on the body issues. I doubt there would be a woman anywhere that really loves everything about her body. Regardless of body shape, one thing that can make you feel good is exercise. Exercise can boost your energy and make you feel great knowing that you're doing something positive for your body. To the combat the ugly thoughts, what you can do is start by going to a colourist (if you have one nearby or they can be found online too) she will drape you in colours that bring out your natural beauty and show you the colours that don't. You'll be surprised how many women are wearing the wrong colours for their skin tone and these can make you look sick, washed out and even ugly. Wearing the right colours can do wonders for your confidence! As for your shyness at parties, I think many people are like that. I know myself I feel more comfortable talking to one person than a group. You don't have to be the life of the party. Start by making a deal with yourself before the party, eg, I will smile at or say hello to 5 new people tonight. That way you can feel you not only mingled, but met new people. Don't let your insecurities sabotage your relationship. Past sexual experience is not a thing to be proud of. But being a good person is, and I'm sure you're kind and generous, with lots of life experience that you can be proud of. You have great qualities that drew your boyfriend to you. Enjoy his company and try not to dwell on the things you can't change. Because there are so many things you can change - and one of them is how you regard yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): This comes down to people who see the glass half-empty, and those who see the glass half-full.
You have very little appreciation for anything. You see only the downside of life, and you feel you are ugly. So what kind of advice do you give someone who feels so down and negative about everything, including herself?
There are no magic words. Apart from extensive therapy and a mental-health evaluation for depression; there are few other suggestions that would penetrate your iron-plated self-hatred.
You carefully detailed the usual ways people help themselves; and distinctly indicated that we not bother to tell you to do them. They work for most people. Somehow, you are the exception. Although you are as human as the rest of us.
I find it difficult to figure out how you got a boyfriend, if you're so ugly? Especially a guy who has a long history of sex with pretty girls; and who still has a large female fan-base. You know all this about him. Yet you can only see the fact he has a sexual history better than yours. You totally dismiss the fact he chose you as his girlfriend.
Sorry. No one can make you love yourself. That's were self-esteem comes from. Self-pride, and loving who you are. Being thankful for life and health. Having a sense of self-worth. Realizing no one owes you anything. The rest of us poor stiffs deal with live as it comes, and the looks we have.
You prefer to view your life as something useless and thankless. C'est la vie! You've been out of high school for years. You'll never have to go back, because life and time move forward, not back. You're caught up in finding ways to color your life with only black and grey.
A better outlook is nothing we can give you. We can suggest to you how to feel better. We can't tell you how not to feel ugly. In fact, you cancelled our advice by saying nothing works; because your life is so awful.
Have you never smelled a rose? Swallowed a fresh cool breeze through your nostrils? Smiled at a laughing baby?
Felt your mother's or father's warm loving embrace? Have you seen your boyfriend's smile as he greeted you? Felt his kiss, his arms around you? If you have. You have lived.
A new chapter in your life started when you met him. Every day you wake-up, you've live a yesterday. You're not deaf, you're not blind, you're not mute, you're not physically disabled. You're just ungrateful for everything, and looking for more to hate yourself for.
You are only 22 years old. You've have a long string of years ahead to feed your self-hatred. How long before you're full? I'd love to trade with you and be 22 again.
I would probably appreciate it a lot. So much to look forward too.
No one has a bad day everyday. That's impossible. What goes on in their minds is what can shutout things that are good.
If they like eating bitter fruit; because it's sour.
You have life. Think of ways you can make it better. Stories told about past sexual experiences are all anecdotal; and most stories people tell are exaggerated, or never really happened.
Adult-men are likely to have a few people in their past that they have sex with. Some make friends, and stay in touch. Some guys are just popular with the ladies. His fame is spread by word of mouth; but he rarely lives up to his legendary reputation. He's just a horny guy who likes sex. Now he has chosen a girlfriend. He put that all behind him. He can't erase the past out of existence. Ask him not to share anymore of his stories. You don't like hearing them.
You'll probably find a reason to make his life miserable by depressing him with your insecurities. He likes you for who you are. Does that resonate with you at all? Can you feel his attraction, or do you just hang around with him?
Take life one day at a time. Keep a journal and write down the good things you experience each and every day. When you finish one journal, start another. Just write down the good things that happened, no matter how small. Do not enter the bad things. You tend to keep all those stored in your head.
You miss the good stuff. So write down how good a date goes.
How nice he looked today. How sweet his kiss. What the weather was like. Who smiled at you today?
That's all I can offer you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 There is nothing wrong with your past. Don't make a problem out of it. With women who've had colorful past, they have their own share of problems because some men prefer a low number. Your self esteem is sourced from the idea that it's bad that you are not popular and you don't have a thin body. You bought right into it. Beauty comes in many forms. Still, it's good to make sure that your boyfriend really do find you sexy, and not just with you because you are security to him. Enjoy your boyfriend and have the best sex you could ever imagine. Demand a lot from him in bed. You deserve good sex just as much as anyone else.
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