A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for two years. We're not a perfect couple, nobody is, but in general we are very happy. On certain issues we are not the most compatible, but again, we are happy and we make it work.He is a middle child. He has an older sister and a younger brother. My husband and I are the same age, so his sister is older than me as well (three years older).My issue is, I have tried time and time again to cultivate a relationship with her. My view is that now that we are sisters-in-law, we should really make an effort to become closer! However, she appears to be completely closed off to this. I'm always the one to initiate conversation, shopping/coffee dates, dinners with her and her husband, etc. She NEVER initiates these things - it's always either me, or my husband.If I send a message to wish her a happy birthday, I don't get the same from her when my birthday comes around.There was recently a death in my family. She didn't even bother to send me a message with her condolences, to see how I'm doing ... nothing.Clearly, the relationship means a whole lot more to me than it does to her. That is obvious. I'm now trying to move past it, and I really don't want to care about it, or her, because why should I care about someone who doesn't care about me?But it's so much easier to say this than to really believe it. Every time she shows me how much I DON'T mean to her, it just digs into my heart a little bit harder.Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can move past this, or what I should say or do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 I can see it from both point of views, I am getting married next year and I am very close to his two sisters, but that is probably because I was friends with them before I met him, so they are my friends. Now I am not close to my brothers wife at all. I cannot form a bond with her and we are just very different.
The thing is yes she is your sister in law, but that does not automatically mean that you should be friends. If you both have children, they can still grow up to be close if they want to that does not stop them doing so. I think you wear your heart on your sleeve and that is why this is annoying you so much. You need to try and see it from her point, maybe she does not want to hang out with you both at times. You are best to accept this and not let it hurt you. It does not sound like she is nasty or horrible to you, so just be nice to her and don't try and make to much of an effort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to both of you for your responses. I really appreciate the time and thought you put into your answers.
@ Youcannotbeserious:
To answer your first questions, I really don't have a large number of friends. I would say I have two or three significant friendships, and they are wonderfully supportive. It's not that I get no support anywhere else in my life. I'm just of the viewpoint that her brother and I are not merely dating anymore. We are married. When each of us has kids, they will be family towards each other as well. I had a very close relationship with all of my cousins growing up and I feel as though part of that stemmed from the relationship that all of our parents had with each other. I would like to see the same for my own future kids.
I do appreciate your perspective. It's interesting to see it from your side of things as it could potentially be how she feels as well.
@ likeIseeit:
To answer your questions, my husband's family can be quite dysfunctional in their relationships with each other. He suspects that his mother has suffered from depression and social anxiety for his entire life, which may have contributed to where the siblings are at the moment. My husband was also diagnosed with high-functioning Asperger's as a child, which we are now learning has a genetic component, so it wouldn't shock us if his mother also has undiagnosed Asperger's. My husband and his sister have not always had the best relationship, but before I was even in the picture, they determined to improve their relationship and are now much closer with each other than they used to be.
It almost seems as though she would've preferred for both of her brothers to remain single, as she often seems to try and make it clear that we aren't really family. Maybe this is unintentional, I don't know.
Thank you both again for your great answers!
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and can definitely sympathize as my fiancé's SIL is basically a spoiled rude nightmare toward both of us.
In my case it was pretty easy to write off the prospect of having a good relationship with her early on because I noticed that she acted that way not just toward my fiancé and me but toward literally everyone in her husband's family. She's rude and ungrateful to both of her husband's parents, too - sometimes in front of him. I've witnessed her ability to be perfectly polite and friendly to her own friends and family, so this behavior is clearly a conscious choice on her part rather than any social awkwardness or difficulty. I quickly realized it wasn't a question of me saying or doing the magical right thing to win her over; the behavior we all see from her is just who she chooses to be as a person and no carefully crafted lunch or shopping outing is going to change the way she treats us. Taking it personally would be utterly pointless. She's a bit of an extreme example, but it's a valuable lesson nonetheless: sometimes it's NOT you.
How is your SIL's relationship with the rest of the family and specifically her brother, your husband? Bear in mind that when your SIL avoids planning things with you, she is also missing out on quality time with her brother. When he calls her to plan things and she doesn't ever return the courtesy and initiate plans with him, it's not just you she's being rude to, it's her own brother as well. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but to me that says a lot either about the kind of relationship they have as siblings (not particularly close) or about the kind of person your SIL may be. I don't think she necessarily has to take you two up on every invite to hang out, but not texting or e-mailing basic pleasantries like "Happy birthday" or "Sorry for your loss" seems strange to me given that it takes all of two seconds and requires zero social interaction (and almost zero effort). Even if you and she have absolutely nothing in common, it seems odd that she would miss opportunities to spend time with her brother simply because he is now half of a couple. If he also invites her places and she never reciprocates his invites either, I definitely don't think you are the problem. Whether she's intentionally being rude or just a little bit socially clueless, it seems like a pattern of behavior as opposed to something reserved just for you.
Since it's clear that for whatever reason, your investment of time and effort into this relationship is very one-sided at the moment, I would suggest you consider dialing back the contact and invites so as not to be disappointed so frequently. Aim for politeness but not attachment. Send a card at the holidays, wish happy birthday, etc., but cut back on the attempts for girls' days like shopping trips and so on and limit your contact to couples outings. Maybe even let your husband handle all the social invites so you don't feel personally let down when they're not accepted or not reciprocated. One of two things will happen: your SIL will step up her effort to socialize in the absence of your husband and you constantly being the ones to make the effort, or she will be fine with the level of contact as is and will continue to let even the less frequent invites remain one-sided.
If your social life feels a little empty without your SIL, invest the extra time into your existing friendships, or cultivate new ones. There are lots of people out there who will gladly treat friendship like the two-way street it is.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 October 2016):
 Do you have friends of your own? Do they not support you?Just because you are married to her brother does not mean you two have anything else in common. Maybe she does not feel any connection with you?It is hard, as you want everyone to be one big happy family, but this is obviously not how she sees things. It sounds like, while accepting your invitations, she is not pro-actively looking to cultivate your relationship. I can totally identify with this as I have never been "friends" with my brother's wife or subsequent long-term partners. While I happily spent limited time in their company, I felt the only things we had in common was a relationship with my brother, which was certainly not enough for me to want to spend any more time with these women, lovely as they were. I think you need to build up your social life so you have a lot more friends of your own. Then your sister-in-law's lack of interest in a friendship with you will not hurt so much.
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