A
male
age
41-50,
*orontoGuy
writes:It has recently come to my attention that my girlfriend is depressed. I have felt our relationship strain in the past month, from being an open expressive loving one, to a noticably more distant one. I am in a long distance relationship and its been 4 months. We had an amazing start and we fell in love. I noticed her mood change about a month ago after she did poorly on a major assignement in her masters program. She blames our relationship - and the time we spend together for this. I have agreed to support her and give her the time she needs to do well. Our visits have become a lot less frequent and we have been talking less on the phone. I can handle that. What bothers me is that the conversations we do have are a lot less affectionate and intimate - the way they were for the first few months.In that time we had talked about moving to the same city so we could be together more and have a more traditional relationship. A move like this would be life changing for me - forcing me to give up my job and move to a different country (im from Canada, she is in the US) andI I would only do it if i feel it would lead to something long term and meaningful. Since her bad grade she has really changed. Subsequently she told me she doesnt need anyone in her life, that she is very independant and doesnt need to hear or say I Love You as much as i do. Im not a mushy guy, but I do like to feel needed and wanted in a relationship. Saying things is a way to feel connected when you cant be together for weeks at a time. Ive given her more space lately, but it never seems to be enough. I feel like things are slipping away bit by bit. I saw her over the weekend and she was hot and cold. We hung out and had a good time, but it was nowhere near how connected I felt a couple months ago. She wasnt as physically intimate and did not seem interested in reconnecting emotionally. While out with some of her family she admitted to being depressed and possibly looking for treatment. Thats the first I heard of this. I want to support her, but I dont know how. She refuses to talk to me about issues. She doesnt express any excitement or affection like she used to. She gives me little pockets of intimacy, but for the most part she is emotionally unavailable these days. As a result I think im getting depressed. I have a lot of anxiety over where things are headed. I keep telling myself to take the pressure off and just relax, but I love her very much and the thought of her not wanting or needing this relationship is really wearing on me. I cant sleep, Im eating a lot less, loosing weight, im not interested in things I usually am, my mind races and I worry that she is pushing me away. If I told her this she would say im over reacting and being dramatic. I cant help my gut feeling. Ive been hurt before and it started with poor communication, lack of intimacy, indifference and ultimately leading to hidden resentment. I dont want to repeat these mistakes. I told her I want to be there for her. I want this relationship to be a bright spot in her life. She has a very busy life right now and I just dont know where i fit into it anymore. Although she constantly admits to being overwhelmed, she is constantly taking on responsibilities and finding ways to fill her life with things to do. As her priorities keep getting re-sorted I feel myself slipping down the totem pole. I dont want to monopolize her life, but I do want to remain a huge part of it. She hasnt said I Love You unprompted for almost a month. Shes handcuffed me into not bringing up these issues for fear that she will get more frustrated, angry and closed off. I think that healthy relationships need strong communication. I just dont know how to proceed with this. I want to be with her and I want to build this relationship. She said she has battled depression off and on for a couple of years. I dont know what to do. Im starting to feel like I need to seek help. I try to be strong, but this anxiety has consumed me. Ive never been so up and down over any past relationship. She told me she has a history of running from relationships, and I fear she is starting to run from this one. I dont want to have to chase someone that loves me but I dont want to give up on this. I really think this is a relationship that could be amazing. One day she begins to open up and then a day later I dont hear a word from her. I dont know if she has the desire or strength to work on this relationship. How can I deal with her mixed signals and indifference towards the us lately. How can I deal with these feelings of depression and anxiety. In light of all she is going through I dont want to burden her with my issues, but im sufferering too. Help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): This story is almost identical to what I am going through right now. What advice did you take? How did things turn out? Was your girlfriend able to get through her issues and come back to you to work on your relationship? How do you prevent this from happening again?
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 You said her moods changed after flunking a major assignment and she was using the relationship as the excuse. This may have depressed her as she'll have to sit that again or it may be that she is, in fact fed up or bored with the relationship as it stands and just doesn't like to say to you. It worries me, the fact that she's been to see you after being apart for a while and there wasn't much of a connection.
My advice to you would be to ask her (not tell her) if she wants to have some time out to think things through. This would mean no communication from you either by text, phone, email or whatever. She can get her head together in this time and contact you again in a month's time and let you know how she feels.
You in the meantime have a movie to watch. It is called "The Secret" and I think it would be really beneficial to you insofar as your feelings of depression and lowering self esteem. Watch it before calling her about time out, you may even want to tell her to watch the movie too, it costs $4.95 to watch from your PC and you can watch it immediately. I have told so many people about this movie but it really does change lives!
http://thesecret.tv/home.html
She may feel it's all getting too much for her, living so far from you and thinking you'll never be together or it may be that she is actually bored with the relationship hence the reason she maybe needs time to herself for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all.
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): First, I am sorry to hear of all the anxiety and grief, plus worry, this is causing you.
Second, you HAVE to look out for your own well-being! Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to seek out a good counsellor with whom you can build some rapport and trust to explore your feelings with and how this is affecting you.
Maybe she IS depressed and needs to follow up on treatment for it. Clinical depression really can wreak havoc with someone's life and could be that she just doesn't have the emotional strength and where-withall to keep going in this long-distance (which are never easy) relationship. Particularly if she did badly on the Masters program assignment. That WOULD worry and bother her. Not only that, but she's TOLD you she feels overwhelmed and doesn't want you to bring up relationship issues.
YOU say in your post that you keep telling yourself to take the pressure off (her) and relax. You'd be well advised to pay attention to that idea!
Yes, good communication is essential. However, it seems to me that she IS communicating with you in speaking of her depression, and feeling overwhelmed and not wanting to talk about emotional stuff with you. That's not what you want to hear, but it is what she's conveying to you. Also, you can't MAKE someone love you and want to be with you, no matter how much you think its a good idea and want it.
In summary, do try to ease up on her more, and let her know you are there for her and will support her in whatever way she wants to be supported - just let her know that once, then leave it alone, and focus on your own emotional and physical well-being.
Good luck!
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