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female
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anonymous
writes: Why cant I be nice to someone I like?Met guy 2 yrs ago, went out for short time, he said one nite wanted something serious, etc., I didnt reply, next morning said couldnt handle it and that was it, he wouldnt talk to me, said didnt want to be with me or anyone even when I make effort with him, then he tried being nice to me and instead of making an effort I was either nasty or ignored him! I didnt know what to make of it all, my friends said thought he was trying with me but I was so horrible and now he is with someone else! Course Im gutted, prob is I so scared of loving someone! I was with someone for 13 miserable years who was v.abusive, left him, had probs., a good friend became my best friend, soulmate, etc. he died 3 1/2 yrs ago and I fall apart! The guy sit. his wife left him for someone else and obviously wasnt over it when we got together. I dont know what to do, as it has eaten me up cos I want to be with him but instead of telling him I tell him to get lost! why cant I stop being scared and be nice to him and hope that I could get another chance, I have thought about getting my mouth zipped!
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 He's with someone else now and as Pete says, if he REALLY wanted to be with you he wouldn't have jumped into another relationship so quickly. He should have been more sensitive to your feelings because of your past and hung in there, but he didn't and you don't seem to be able to move on.
Treat this as a learning curve, leave him alone to get on with things and you move on too. You WILL meet someone else who is right for you, he obviously isn't! Have faith in yourself! Take time out to find yourself again and what you really want from life.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
Close the door on this one, once one door closes another one upens so bury this relationship once and for all, the man of your dreams could be just around the next corner.
Eve
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasnt him who made me uneasy, it was me! But decided wanted same, but it was him who changed his mind! Thats the reason why I got so hurt and upset cos it was a bit thing for me! I wrote to him once before, do you think writing to him again to try and explain things is worthwhile or does it look like Im stalking him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as I know he hasnt seen anyone for 2 yrs since we split! Obviously he cant understand me, he hasnt been through what I have and I havent him, believe we when I say I was horrible to him I really was! He did try quite a few times to be nice to me and I throw it back at him, I can understand why he gave up! I havent exactly shown that I like him, prob I have is how can I 'redeem' myself to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Are you saying you still want to be with the man you met two years ago?
If you are, then I wonder. Maybe there was something you sensed about him that made you a little uneasy. Did you feel, for instance, that he was putting pressure on you to consider the prospect of becoming more serious? (note I said "consider the prospect" of being more serious, not actually GETTING more serious - were that even possible - then and there).
You had some very bad experiences with an abuser; then a man who meant a lot to you died. That's enough to make anyone scared and very cautious about venturing into a new relationship.
Have you thought about getting some counselling to begin dealing with those issues? Might be a big help.
Its normal and healthy to take the time to explore together and to begin to evaluate whether two people are a good match, you know! Going slowly is sensible and will pay dividends if in fact you find you really do share a common outlook on life, values and some interests (activities), as opposed to wanting to be in a relationship so bad that you jump into it feet first, so to speak - like diving off a cliff, sort of - NOT that "diving in" is what I hear you doing, however!
Finally, if this guy is now with another woman, well, unfortunately, you need to respect that and stay out of the picture. After all, sounds as if he wanted a stable relationship, and thought you didn't want to pursue that with him, and has found someone else. Best thing you can do at this point is to work on resolving your issues, and then, IF he breaks up with his current gf, wait a decent interval (couple of months or so) and then you are free to contact him again and see how it goes. On the other hand, if he doesn't become available, you, at least, will be in a much stronger, healthier position to meet another man with whom you can be happy - someone who genuinely will love, care for and appreciate you, and vice versa.
Good luck! Hope this response is helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): If this guy is meant to be then he would not have walked away so easily and got with someone else.
To have the past you have, it is not surprising that you now fear a loving relationship and are afraid. Not only have you been shown abuse with love but you have also been shown death with love. As I say, if this guy is for you, he would have seen through these things and persist with wanting to be with you and love you for who you are.
As sad as it is, if this guy has moved on so quickly then no matter how great he seemed he can't be the guy for you because he would have tried harder. Your problems are in the past and you well deserve to be happy and in love, perhaps this painful experience will be good in that you will be more ready for a love relationship with the next person you meet?
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