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How can I deal with my freeloading siblings?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 November 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 November 2011)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

When I was in college, I worked my ass off just to get that degree and the only person who had shown support was my mom. My 6 siblings were too busy with their lives of which I can't blame them too.

Fast forward, I now work overseas and currently am the highest earner in the family. I know this will not be forever as I don't enjoy much being away from home so I work and try to save money for my future so I can go home next year. I plan to take masters and Ph.D. and would hopefully get a teaching post in the univ where I graduated. That's my plan.

However, as my siblings are hooked up raising their families. There was never a month that they don't call me for some financial aid. A year ago, I sent my niece to college as my brother is jobless. This year, I paid a huge amount for our youngest brother's tuition fee so he could continue his college, he got married and I told him that there is no way he can't finish bachelors if he has a family. He has to, so he could get a better job.

The thing is, our family sold the land we inherited from our father last year. Everyone spent their share in just a few months including my brother who I have said should have paid full his university debts so he could continue his college. He didn't do it and I was disappointed! I don't know how he and his wife spent all that money. But as I want him to finish college, I decided to lend him money just to pay what he owes the univ. He said he will pay me once he sells another property of which he already did, but i never got paid. And he never went back to the univ. :(

Anyway, here and there, my siblings run to me for money and they always promise to bring it back but they never did. I just let it go. Right now, my big sister is trying to convince me again to lend her money. I feel I don't trust them anymore. This is a big amount she is borrowing and this money I have saved to pay my house due in January. The house I am renting needs to be paid on an annual basis, so imagine how big that is.

She is trying to convince me at the moment with some careless words like "we are sisters, surely you are not so selfish not to lend me money."

I really am tired of my siblings behaving like this. I have been supporting our mom financially for 5 years now, isn't that enough relief for everyone? Yes I am single but later on I need to start a family of my own so I must save. They can't understand that. I don't trust their promises to pay anymore.

How do I deal with this? Can someone advise me please?

View related questions: debt, money, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011):

They are manipulating and using you. They no longer see you as a sister, but as a walking ATM machine. They dont think about you, your feelings, or your future. They only care about themselves. STand up for yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011):

Its a repeat situation through your different experiences and examples. Of course you want the best for them but if you keep giving to them, they will come back for more. They're all adults with families, so they have to take responsibility and not say that they can fall back on their sister whenever.

Tell yourself that by giving them money and they never repay you or show you an ounce of gratitude you are not helping them on the long run (if it makes you feel better into refusing them anymore money). You mentioned that your sister asked for an amount that matches what you have saved up to pay for your annual rent, so don't put yourself in any troubles either! i think your sister would understand this if you refused to lend her more money.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011):

You need to stop lending money to your family unless you have a written contract that it is a loan stating when and how it will be paid back. Families should help each other but you're clearly being taken advantage of here. I don't feel there is any other solution to this situation. You need to stand up for yourself and ask that they pay you back for the money already given to them which they said they would return- with the exception of your mom- your siblings should be helping support your mom also if she is unable to do that.

Pay your rent and tell your sister she needs to find someone else to help her out. Tell your brother to get a loan for his college and start taking care of yourself and your future because I doubt they are going to help you out when you need that. Good luck.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (4 November 2011):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to start putting yourself first now and stop letting them all walk over you. Because that is what they are doing just walking all over you and not caring about your future. It is time you took control of the situation and learned to say no. Tell your sister that you are sorry but you cannot afford to give her your savings as you need your money yourself. As for everyone else you have given money to it is time you start getting it back. So ring them up and arrange a way so that they can start paying you back, even if it is a small amount each week they need to take responsibility for there own life. Stand up for yourself now before it is to late and they bleed you dry. I understand that they are family and am sure you love them deeply but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't pay you back everything that you have gave them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011):

Yes, you simply say "NO, I'm sorry I can't...I've just had some big bills to pay and have no money". They ask again, say NO. Thats it. Its that simple. No one has a gun to your head making you run to the bank and wire the money. Just say NO. SIMPLE.

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