A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.Please could you help me resolve an issue that's brewing with my boyfriend's mum. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year and she is becoming overly clingy! She is polite and courteous towards me mostly, however, I find that she is becoming more and more intrusive in our time (mine and his) spent alone together. I live in another town, 45 min drive from my boyfriend and I can only see him 1-2 nights a week as I work and go to university so our time together is precious. His mother calls him all the time, nearly every day. She is divorced from his father, and remarried, so I understand that they need to stay in touch regularly, but it's so excessive. She's constantly wanting him to drive her everywhere, even though she has her own car. During the summer it got to the point where I had to urgently think of something to do all the time so when she called he could tell her we were busy. Otherwise, she would want him taking her somewhere and the ENTIRE day would be spent with her. Once she found out we were visiting places she wanted to tag along and this becomes very frustrating!I don't mind spending time with her, and I used to think she was maybe lonely. But she does have many friends and a life of her own. She expects and demands that we participate in her social gatherings with her friends. My boyfriend has to go to pub quizzes with her and her 60+ age group friends. Which to me isn't normal, I would not expect my son in his twenties to hang out with me at that age with my friends! I have had a very difficult time lately as my mother died just before xmas, and my father a few years previous. Being only 25, I am finding it quite hard to cope with the loss. She was very unsympathetic towards me during this time. When she learned that me and my boyfriend were going up north to stay with some of my family for xmas because of my loss she was very disgruntled. She even said days after my mothers death, "Well, who's going to drive *** to the airport on xmas day, then huh?" I was horrified that all she could think of was bossing him around when we were going away for xmas to help me cope!We had to rush home after 3 days away because she demanded we get back to her friend's for boxing day lunch, a dreadfully stuck up woman, that his mum adores! His mum never bothered to tell anyone present about my loss, and it was horribly embarrassing. Even though I don't like these people I took them a gift, which was snatched from me as I entered! I was never even offered a drink the entire time I was there and I was treated disgustingly. I couldn't help wonder what she had been saying... I just wanted to cry the entire time. Now, even if my boyfriend decides to pick me up she is often already in the car! There is no escape! I have to drop hints about us going out for dinner together so she will take the hint! Then when she does, she starts telling us where to go! She even told me how to boil the kettle the other day, and when she goes over to his house she tidies up like he's some kind of incapable baby, which he is not! My boyfriend is currently looking for work and therefore has a little income. I always offer him petrol money if we drive places, and she NEVER does! This really annoys me! She made him take her 50 miles away just to look as regular cups in a regular shop the other day, when he needs the time to focus on getting a career! How can she have this attitude towards him?She even tells him not to cuss constantly, even though she is a complete foul mouth herself! Her behaviour is really getting me down. I've come to expect not receiving replies to my messages from him for hours because he was "out with mum" somewhere. I tried telling my boyfriend that she is intruding on our time together but he fails to see it an becomes defensive, which to be honest is normal because she is his mother. Help please! How can I deal with this intrusive woman!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 March 2013):
Hi. Sorry about the mix-up.
Well, it's not like she's on her own then, is it?
Anyway, if your boyfriend can organise with his mother at least one day or perhaps 2 days - when you and him don't see each other - and go and see her, well then that might keep her off his back a bit.
I hope so anyway, for your sake.
Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy Dix, you've got it all back to front! His mother is the one that is married! She lives with her husband. I do see my boyfriend on the same days every week and she knows this. This is why it is so frustrating! Thank you for your quick responses!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 March 2013):
Hi there. Your boyfriend's mother is divorced from his father.
Then you mentioned - "and remarried" - and so from what you said after that, I am assuming that his father is the one who remarried, and not his mother.
Which then means, that she is on her own now.
Did I get that right?
And I am assuming that, because of her going out with her friends and asking her son (your boyfriend), to drive her around all the time - even though she has her own car to enable her to do this.
It does sound like she is lonely, and doesn't seem to like her own company.
She doesn't like to be alone, and I think that this is what is behind all this insecure and needy behaviour that she is displaying on a regular basis.
She practically won't let him be with just you and him, so she wants to be there with him as much as possible.
And clearly, although he does side with her when you tackle him about it, he also isn't very happy about it either, because he can see how it affects you, and consequently the relationship.
And somewhere in his mind, he must be wondering if it might destroy his relationship with you altogether, if it is allowed to continue the way it is.
And no doubt, that would have to be very close to the truth.
It certainly must be impacting on your relationship with him, and perhaps causing some tension for sure.
And it doesn't seem that it will just disappear and resolve itself without some kind of intervention by you and him.
What seems to be missing here, is boundaries.
There needs to be some way of setting some boundaries in your relationship.
He wants to be in a relationship with you, and yet he also doesn't want to get his mother offside with him.
So it's a case of finding some kind of happy medium between the two relationships.
You have said that you manage to see each other on about 2 nights of every week.
Are those two nights always on the same 2 days of each week?
Or, are they different each week - according to when you and him are both free?
A good way to manage this situation, would be if you and him can organise 2 specific days of the week to see each other, and stick to those 2 days every week, and that leaves 5 days in which he could organise 2 different days to be with his mother - just the 2 of them.
That might strike a happy balance for both you and him, and him and his mother.
So then, everybody is happy.
It might be, that outside of seeing you on those 2 days of each week, he doesn't actually organise any time to be with his mother - just the 2 of them.
And so if that was the case, well then his mother is probably trying vainly to get some time for just the 2 of them to be together.
And so she might be feeling on the outer, and so just uses excuses to "take me here or take me there" - just to get the chance to see her son at all!
I can understand that, and especially, as she is on her own now and without a partner to share her life and her time with.
So perhaps your boyfriend could deliberately organise at least 2 days of the week, when he could spend some time with his mother - just the 2 of them - which might ease the whole dilemma of this situation.
If he will do this, well then I believe it will be much less of a problem than it is now.
And as a natural consequence of that, it will give your boyfriend much more free time and also much less stress.
And his mother will have no real cause to keep on calling him all the time to take her here and to take her there.
When she already knows that her and her son have prearranged 2 days (a few days a part), to do something together, she will be much happier and feel that she still is important in his life.
And every parent needs to feel this way.
I really believe it will solve the problem, once and for all.
The only possible problem sometimes, could be if your free time and the day or days he has organised to see his mother, might occasionally clash.
You could work around that with some compromises.
The main thing is you want a "Win-Win" for all concerned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): sounds like your boyfriend is a complete mammys boy! its difficult to tell your boyfriend as hes defensive but even though she is his mum, you are his girlfriend, he needs to grow some balls and be a manthe petrol situation isnt really your business, its his mum, if he wants to take her places thats between them but if shes intruding on your guys relationship you need to let your boyfriend know how you feel and tell him that he needs to talk with his mum, also she is going to tell himwhat to do thats what mothers do! ive had similar problems with my boyfriends mum, where she was telling me i should look after him (when she knows ive got a lot of health problems) and hinted i cant stop him going out with his friends when i havent. I told my boyfriend what she said and he was very defensive but i wouldnt have it, i said im your girlfriend shes upsetting me, you need to sort it and he did, shes lovely to me now, its his mum he needs to control the situationyou just need to tell your boyfriend, try not to badmouth his mum coz that will just hurt him but just tell him that some of her comments and actions are upsetting you and effecting your time together
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A
male
reader, wildfire357  +, writes (2 March 2013):
You need to have a serious talk with him about this. He needs to set limits with his mom. If he refuses, you have two options. Leave him or continue the way you are. She is peeing one "HER TERRITORY" so to say, letting you know who is in charge and it will get worse if your boyfriend doesn't put restrictions on her.
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