A
female
age
36-40,
*oxyBodhisattva
writes:So my fiance and partner of 11 years had told me outright that marijuana is more important to his life than me. We have both smoked recreationally since before we met, but lately he has taken it to a whole new level. Over the many years that we have shared a life I have grown a bit more than he has and my oh so distant goals have matured marked by my recent achievement of a BA in psychology (ironically). He has attempted a higher education but has lost his momentum. My personal goal is to work in my field and eventually get a Masters in social work. Our short term goals as a couple are to seek a decent apartment together and get our finances in order, or that is what has been discussed thus far.In the time since we last discussed our goals his marijuana use has escalated. He is no longer satisfied with plain old smoking weed and has invested nearly $1000 in vaporizers and parifanalia to cook hash oil and wax. I know not exactly how much he spends each week on product but I know it's upwards of $200. In short, he has crossed the line from hobby to substance abuse problem. In addition to weed he's been huffing nitrous oxide for the past two weeks and has become distant and grouchy and he's been treating me like garbage.and then it happened. A few nights ago I was confiding in a coworker about his recent behavior and he happened to be listening in as my coworker was telling me to break up with him. Obviously that night a discussion was necessary. I came to him after work and told him what we were talking about and that I don't want to break up, but instead of anything constructive happening, he told me that if he had to choose he would choose marijuana over me and then we sat in silence for 45 minutes until he fell asleep and I left. I have not seen or talked to him since, although he is a tenant in the house where my best friend lives and I have been there while he was home. I'm at a loss for words and don't know how to approach this. Telling him to stop smoking would be hypocritical because I smoke also, although this won't always fit with my personal goals. I love him, but he loves Mary Jane more.
View related questions:
best friend, co-worker, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FoxyBodhisattva +, writes (7 May 2013):
FoxyBodhisattva is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere was much discussion, but nothing was resolved. He has managed to convince himself that he is the way he is because while I was working and going to school I wasn't spending enough time with him and that's why his substance abuse has escalated. This doesn't make any sense to me due to the fact that it took me so long to get my BA because I went part time so that I could spend more time with him. It is apparent that we have grown so far apart for Each other that our dreams seem to oppose each other. There is no way our relationship can continue on in any kind of healthy capacity. I have realized that he is the way he is not because I didn't spend enough time with him, but because I have enabled him to escalate by not leaving him sooner. The only thing that I have truly done wrong is put up with it for this long. I have not yet broken it off with him, but he can feel me pulling away. I know what I have to do, but I have a soft heart and it will be a while until I have enough guts to give him the engagement ring back. Thank you both for responding so quickly, I really needed an unbiased view on the situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): he is mistaken of course and he is becoming addicted so all what u have to do is to stay away from him for a while, maybe he will find himself in a shit problem and wake up or he will keep it like this .. but u r a successful woman and u have ur dreams and u r working hard to have a great future and if he keeps acting like this then he doesnt deserve u .. be strong and try to be busy at work not thinking a lot about him hoping he will come back to u with a big sorrow or move on slowly to a new busy life style and enjoy ur life without him and find some one new deserves u :) .. best of luck :)
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 May 2013):
 Sadly, I think he's giving you an answer here and you are having a hard time accepting it. He has flat out told you that if he has to choose between pot and you, he is going to choose pot.
It appears like your boyfriend's past time has become more of a lifestyle and possibly an addiction. Most people can take or leave pot, but for some it is a gateway to further problems. Clearly, your boyfriend is teetering to the problem -- especially if he is blowing as much money on it as you suspect.
As you know, people change in relationships and in successful ones, people grow together or are at least willing to accommodate their partner. It sounds like you are "growing up" to some extent. While he is choosing to continue to act like a teenager. His goals -- getting high aren't jiving with yours: starting a career, saving money, and building a life together.
There really isn't a magic solution to this. You've already brought it to his attention and his answer has been pretty matter-of-fact: he isn't changing.
You are beginning to realize what a life like him might be like: jail, large sums of money going to dope, sexual impotency, DUIs, and sketchy drug dealers. Is this the lifestyle you really envisioned for yourself? Is this someone you'd be proud of? Is he going to be supportive of building a better life for you and him? Is this the prince charming you expected to be with?
I know you have a long history with him, which only makes it harder for you, but I do believe your back is up against the wall. Hopefully you don't let you and your dreams go up in smoke.
Eddie
...............................
|
