A
female
age
30-35,
*ighEndLife
writes:Rather than continuously wishing and hoping to at least be average, even with working out, eating healthy, makeup and hair straightening, I want to finally just accept that I am ugly. The hope and trying keeps me from accepting it, because in the back of my mind I keep hoping that I will find that 1 thing that will make me beautiful. I know looks aren't everything but being ugly isn't ideal. But I want to fully accept it and move on with my life.How can I finally accept it?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2012):
 why would you want to stop trying to be be the best person you can be?
I am old and not stunning but I'm no ogre either.
if you want permission to dress comfortably, not wear make up, put your hair in a pony tail and get on with your life... go for it.
I've shown up at work now for four weeks in the same few outfits with no make up on and no contacts... I'm going through a stressful time and I don't need permission to be comfortable....
I think once you learn to love and accept yourself where you are you will find that your life changes dramatically even if you don't want it to.
if you accept your "ugly" and move on with confidence and flair, you will be surrounded by folks that will love and adore you... can you cope with that?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): "All I meant is that mentally, I want to stop going the extra mile to appear attractive."
Then the only way you'll achieve that is by being happy with how you look and considering yourself already pretty without the effort, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
The reason you put in the extra effort is because you think you're ugly, "accepting" that is the opposite of what you actually want. Do you think women starve themselves because they think they're pretty? Do you think they spend hours stressing over their hair and make-up because they think they're already fine looking? No they do it because they think they're ugly.
OP you want to accept your appearance, accept that it is perfectly acceptable, not that it's ugly. It doesn't work that way. I mean if it did then why are you finding it so hard to do?
If you really want to get to a place where you don't worry about it or stress it then completely get rid of the notion of beauty or ugliness and get to a place of acceptance. Accept that you're neither ugly nor pretty because you will be viewed more as pretty than ugly in your and just be you. Accept how you look and who you are, but not in terms of ugly because you're asking your brain to accept that in terms of looks you're worthless and your brain doesn't want to think that way.
Get rid of this notion of ugliness and just accept your appearance, it won't bother you anymore if you can accept yourself. Ugliness does not define you as a person so your brain will never accept it as a concept and nor should it, it's a very negative quality.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Accepting who you are comes from within yourself. Your need to lean on others for their opinion, help and guidance shows that you have little self insight, and probably value the opinion of others over your own opinion.
Since what I say then matters more to you than what you think yourself, I will say that the way to accept who you are is to stop asking others.
The only thing that matters is what your personal opinion is, screw the rest of us. If you want to accept being ugly then why do you let what others say on here bother you, just start accepting your appearance in whatever way you like. No one is actually stopping you. But then again, it seems to be that since you value the opinion of others over your own you aren't going to accept being ugly until everyone else tells you that you are ugly and that you need to accept it. Only then will you do it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Oh actually I did not have in mind world famine or victims of war . I just thought that if you can focus so strongly ( continuously wishing and hoping, your words ) on your lack of attractiveness, you must be in a good place overall. Try having some health problem ( nothing major , God forbid ). Just something pesky or painful ,albeit not fatal. Then see if you can even REMEMBER thinking about the shape of your nose or legs.
I am not belittling your problem, I am suggesting you to put it in perspective. Every problem is as big as the energy , thought and attention you pour into it. And if these are too much, the problem goes blown out of proportion and occupies all your mental screen, preventing you from seeing and enjoying all the other parts of the movie that are actually good- and more important.
Never mind that, though. You still haven't told us what you want to be beautiful for. Beauty is often a metaphor for something else.
Like money. When people say they want to be rich, they don't mean they want a tub of coins to swim in like Uncle Scrooge. They mean that money would buy them freedom, or social status, or comfort, or attention from the other sex etc.etc.
What would change in your life if you could be beautiful ? What would you get that you don't get now ?.
When you know the answer, perhaps you may find that what you want is obtainable by other means than beauty. Or maybe you'll see that you can't ever get it by being unattractive, it's impossible. And that would surely help you accept your looks and giving up for good any attempt of improvement.
Not that I think it would be a good idea. There is always room for improvement at any level of attractiveness.
Of course if you really are dog ugly ( which, btw, I don't believe for a second ) you won't make the transition to beautiful. But you can make it to average - decent- sort of OK. Wouldn't that feel better to you ?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (14 May 2012):
 Obviously having never seen you I can neither agree nor disagree with your assessment of yourself as 'ugly' so I will simply answer your question as best I can.The way to accept it is to find the benefits in it. Here are a few:You're not alone. Most people are not handsome or beautiful. Their features are merely symmetrical enough not to frighten anyone.You needn't worry that others only value you for something you don't have.If you're at or near the bottom you can only get better.With proper grooming, a great personality and sufficient confidence you can become more attractive to those who take the time to get know you. You're not destined to be alone. If everyone was drawn to only those who were physically appealing, few people would date or marry and the birth rate would plummet. How many times have you heard of one person having a crush on another and, for the life of you, you couldn't figure out why?Take a look at all the celebrities we consider 'beautiful'. Pamela Anderson is (or was) referred to as a bombshell, but without make up she could certainly be called 'ugly' (it came as a shock to me when I saw her). Cameron Diaz is another example. Then there is Sarah Jessica Parker. Make up or no she is what she is, but she has a great body. Yet these women manage to draw a lot of positive attention. There are plenty of men who fit this bill as well, but since you're not a man, there is no point in going there.You seem intelligent so I am confident you'll come up with a few of your own. Hopefully this is enough to get you started.
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female
reader, HighEndLife +, writes (14 May 2012):
HighEndLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSaying what you 'think' is the right thing to say isn't going to help me.
Yes, I'm better off than every one else blah blah blah. Belittling my my 'problems' isn't what I should be receiving. My focus isn't about people without water, food or without whatever I have.
All I wanted was advice for a piece of mind. It's not about me walking around calling myself ugly or thinking I deserve no one. it's just to accept it. I never said I was going to become a slob without manners. All I meant is that mentally, I want to stop going the extra mile to appear attractive.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 May 2012):
You're 18-21, in 5-10 years you'll look at yourself in a whole different light I think. You're still just figuring out who you are and what you have to bring into life, and where you want to go. Your image of yourself will change along with the experiences you make. Maybe you want to be ugly now (well, that is what you want to think of yourself after all), but maybe later you will think something else about yourself.
Life isn't lived in absolutes.
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female
reader, tsahpina  +, writes (12 May 2012):
now that i read all the answers i dont regret i gave u the truth cos u got enough lies. so u choose which to believe. sugary lies or bitter truth. but when we choose lies on the conscious level we subconsciously know they are lies and what the truth in the isssue is. truth sets free. ull be free once u accept u are ugly. there is scientific evidence that beautiful people do better in life,as do taller people and well built people. this is only natural cos thou we are humans we are animals too. and with animals the more healthy beautiful and young the better... and there is a bonus in acceptin u are ugly. u will stop being bitter about it and it will improve yr character and charms. and a final word,we have all seen ugly people coupled with beautiful people. rear thou. providing its not for money and other priviledges the ugly part of the couple possibly has,its incouraging. these ugly people who have as partners beautiful people obviously have something else that compensates for lack of physicla beauty. this something else is,excluding money and social status,knowledge,social graces and character and charms. but u cant have a good character and be charming if u are bitter cos u are ugly. so give up the wish to be good looking or at least average,and try to develop other things that attract sexual mates,from my list. and,there is a small bu existing part of humanity that is simply crazy and anomalous and they want it ugly. why should u be bother why they want u if they want u. its their problem that they are crazy and want ugly people for mates. i have seen men who look normal with extremely filthy obese women. and beautiful women with rally ugly little men. maybe its money in question. but ill remind u of the beauty from chekoslovakia,adriana,who married this ugly black footballer. its not about money and fame cos they both are rich and famous. so i dont exclude that u can find a normally pretty person for yr mate. i am just saying its rare but not impossible. but if u drag around yr bitterness for being ugly,that aint happen. and stop listening the lies tham beauty and money mean nothing. these say only beautiful and rich people. beauty and money mean a lot. but not all. not at all all. lol
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A
female
reader, tsahpina +, writes (12 May 2012):
this is tough cos i dont know if u want the truth or shoulders to cry on.but ill risk telling u the truth cos u will have many shoulders to cry on.this question is either as tough as of the aging and losing sexual appeal or even tougher cos aging is for all and ugliness isnt. first ill tell u the good news. there is a tougher one. its never having being healthy. i have this one. i was born with a cardiac error and it marked negatively all my life as well as scared me about death all my life. ugliness also marks whole life but u are not in danger of dying or at least thinking u will die sooner all yr life. i have this. so u are better off than sick from birth people. u are also better off from people who have nothing to eat. they have no approach to computers and internet sites. they dont know what these things are. now seriously.according to two very large international polls in europe and america,what people want,both males and females,in mating partner is:1.looks2.money3.social statusfollows a large gap4.knowledge5.social graces6.inner personand of caourse,above all,youth.these are the results of gallops. when u look in personals,if there is only one word that describes what one wants,its good looks.so if u are ugly objectively,u should aim at having the other 5 properties. also,u should aim for people in yr group. ugly ones. i dont know how it feels to be ugly cos i am rather pretty but on the other hand i dont kno how it feels to be healthy. and knowning how it feels always to be afraid of death,id rather be ugly than sick.and,if u are a woman,theres a lot u can do to hide yr ugliness,like long fragrnat hair cut and styled well all the time,good dressing with colours that flatter yr skin hew,cosmetics,make-up,jewelery,etc. if u are a man,u should improve yr charms and education... sorry for telling u the truth but i did it in yr interest. kiss x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): OP it's not about political correctness, politically correct would be to subscribe to the norms of society and those norms say that young, flawless skin, in western societies tanned skin, in Asian societies paler skin, toned, full head of hair, tall, big boobs, etc. are all essential parts of beauty.
But I understand now that you're problem isn't with beauty itself but the worry, the obsession, you want to get to a stage in your life when you can look in the mirror and not give a crap about what you see, and you're hoping that embracing ugliness is the way to go but it's not. All you're doing is still focusing on looks, still obsessing about beauty but just taking the opposite approach. That's like taking crack cocaine to cure a heroin addiction, it's not going to work.
OP a person who wants to accept their ugly has low self-esteem and all we're trying to tell you is that purposefully thinking less of yourself and accepting yourself a lesser person is not going to solve that issue. Only self-improvement - health, fitness, greater intellect and a life filled with good things and great people will do that, and of course counselling can help.
"I don't want to continuously try anymore"
Then don't. But don't give up on taking care of yourself either. You do need to brush your hair still, groom and be clean. Just set yourself a certain point where you will stop. Accept that you're probably a perfectionist and could spend the rest of your life in front of that mirror making yourself up and matching clothes and never reach a stage where you will be perfectly happy with how you look. So just stop trying, just fix yourself a routine where you're clean and well groomed and stop focusing on the beauty part. Clean, healthy and well-groomed are all you need in those circumstances.
OP accepting ugliness is not going to work because no matter how hard you try you can't fight your natural urges. Just make sure you don't make unhealthy choices like some people do, like not eating well etc. Just accept the face and body you have will be ugly to some and beautiful to others because that's how life works and true beauty is effortless,the worst thing in the world is seeing a person who beautiful but they then cover all that up with mountains of face cement, fake tan and a massive gaudy looking eye-shadow and eye-liner streaks that looked like they fell over or were drunk when they applied it.
If you want to stop trying then just stop. Clean yourself, eat well and maintain good fitness and the rest will take care of itself because when people say 'beauty comes from within' that's not just to make "ugly" people feel good about themselves, a happy, confident person who likes who they are and where they are going in life radiates beauty no matter what they look like.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 May 2012):
OP, while honestly my answer would be exactly as politically correct, word by word actually, as Maverick's and Cerberus's etc.- I can see this will cut no ice with you, so allow me a provocation :
So, ok- let's admit that you are ugly. Very ugly.
And ? ... What do you want to be beautiful for ? what's the purpose of being model material in your own life ?...
All you CAN'T do is joining beauty contests and wearing a silly rhinestone crown. Or becomin a tabloid icon, chased after by paparazzi.
All the rest , you can do.
You can get laid ( ugly people fuck too ) , and find a boyfriend and get married and have kids. What do you think, that only pretty girls raise families ? Oh please, just have a look around you when you go on the streets , to the park, to the supermarket. USE your ( ugly ? little ? beady ? ) eyes. Sure, the Brangelina family is an attractive bunch of people. It's ONE in the whole planet.
You can get a good job, an excellent career ,or start a business,or make money, oozes of money. Bill Gates ain't so pretty.
You can have friends and relatives that love you and appreciate you. You can be a nice, kind, fun , intelligent, interesting person wwho is the life of the party- or of her workplace.
You can be very good at something you enjoy : cooking? dancing ? writing ? doing your nails : ) ? Anything, really.
Lastly , ( and sorry if this is so New Agey but I deeply believe it ) you can stop being an ungrateful brat who only focuses on the physical beauty she lacks and does not consider all her other blessings. You have no blessings at all you say ?
What about the time, the leasure, and the health to focus on your beauty ? There are a few millions of people, that, because of poverty, illness, addictions, disability, or simply..getting old, do not have this luxury.
Conclusion : look inside, and find what's missing, what do you think being pretty would give you or " buy " you. Chances are , if you are honest with yourself, it's something superfluous which you can easily do without ( men staring at your butt and drooling over it ? Do you miss this type of things maybe ? ) , or which you can get by other means than physical beauty.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 May 2012):
They're not just politically correct answers, OP. They're true. And the older you get, the more you'll realize this. At 18 I didn't believe it either, but now at 24 I know better.
What is a waste of time? Self improvement on all facets never is. Like Cerberus said, change what you can, accept what you can't change. Make the best of the cards you've been dealt.
Accepting you're ugly may make you give up on other things too. My mom always thought she was ugly, which is why she dressed in rags, didn't apply for certain jobs, didn't pursue certain people and ended up with very low self esteem that continues to haunt her to this day. Accepting she was ugly led to accepting she was stupid and worthless, and she made life very hard for herself. Putting a stamp on yourself is never a good thing, OP. It won't help you get ahead in life.
What does help is getting your confidence back up. Confident people (not arrogant, mind you) tend to attract others. It's about knowing your strengths and limitations, not just one of the two.
I think the reason you can't find yourself accepting that you're ugly is because that little voice in the back of your head knows you're being cynical. Also, if you've ever watched the TV reality series: The Beauty and The Beast you'll see that the pretty people aren't always so pretty when you get to know them.
So what exactly do you find so ugly about yourself?
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female
reader, HighEndLife +, writes (12 May 2012):
HighEndLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhile these answers are all very politically correct and the right things to say, being politically correct will not help the situation at all.
I don't walk around down on myself or saying to myself I am ugly, but I don't want to continuously try anymore because it's a waste of time and leaves me disappointed.
I can admit it so now i need to accept it and maybe even embrace it lol
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Accept nothing of the sort. You obviously take care of your body in more ways then one and although I can not form my own opinion based on your looks beauty is completely dependent on opinion.
For example friends and myself all have different tastes in girls. What that tells me is there is someone out there for everyone. What you should accept is that you are who you are, you take care of yourself and that makes you beautiful. It makes me think of the song by one direction stating "you don't know you're beautiful."
You sound like a really down to earth girl and that makes you desireable. Don't give up hope because there is nothing you have to do to make yourself beautiful except appreciate who you are.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 May 2012):
 I can probably count on one hand the number of people I've met who are actually ugly. There are very few people in this world who are actually ugly. Your problem isn't that you're ugly, but that you have low self-esteem. One of the few people I've met who actually was ugly from a genetic disorder had a fantastic personality and great confidence and had lots of wonderful friends. She was incredibly popular because she was just so lovely to be around.
Now you do not have a genetic facial deformity, you have low self-esteem. What you think about your appearance tends to be what other people think. If you think you are ugly, no one is going to correct you. But if you think you are beautiful, people will agree. Beauty doesn't just come from the shape of your facial features, it also comes from confidence. Confident people are beautiful, they glow.
It is an old cliché but it's true. You have to love yourself before others can. Tell yourself you are beautiful, no clauses added, at least 25 times a day. You need to tell that to yourself every time you look in a mirror. When you walk around, you need to walk with your shoulders back, neck tall, chest out, and walk the walk of a confident person. Because if you are slouching around, convinced that you are ugly, people will avoid you. But someone who walks around with great posture and a smile on their face is approachable and likable.
I have never seen you, but I'm fairly certain you're not ugly. You just need to work on your confidence and self esteem.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): One funny thing about life is, the older you get, you become attracted to people I'm different ways. : some people with a pretty exterior are so hateful, petty, selfish, etc inside that soon that pretty exterior looks ugly too. Conversely, some of the people in my life who you wouldn't look twice at in a bar, etc, are so kind, interesting, funny, or smart, etc, that I become very attracted to them. In some ways they become even more attractive than the nice person born with good looks. And that is because, it is all them. They did not luck into their attractiveness by just being born this way. They earned it, all on their own. I have a deep respect for that, and find it very alluring.
So, my advice to you is to develop what is inside. Be one of these amazing self-made people. Seek out life experiences that make you a more kind, compassionate, intelligent, interesting person. The confidence you gain, and the inner beauty you exude, will have men fawning over you. Good men. The kind worthy of a good woman. Not shallow, superficial, perpetual adolescents that would just bring you down anyway.
Good luck, and cherish the good things about yourself. You have a very special voice and presence that no one on this earth does. Now...go and find it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Unfortunately for you OP as much as we'd love it our brains quite simply won't accept things that aren't true.
Why would you want to accept something like anyway? I'm by no means ugly, I'm pretty sure plenty of people would think a short, bald guy is ugly especially when I was fat but I would have a very hard time seeing myself that way because I've never bought into the normal concept of beauty. I find the idea that straight hair, skinny, tanned, tall, etc. are beautiful as stupid. Beauty is all the shapes and sizes that people are.
You see I figured out a long time ago that everyone is beautiful to someone and it's not a numbers game either. You see I've had girlfriends and partners of every shape and type. From fat to skinny, tall and short, short hair, long hair, big and small noses and I found them all beautiful. The world would be an exceptionally boring and shitty place if every woman subscribed to that barbie-doll version of beauty the media tries to shove down our throats.
Tell me what specifically do you think is ugly about you? Because I can tell you extra weight, cellulite, stretch marks, big noses, small boobs none of those things are ugly. I don't care how many women try to convince me they are undesirable features I will never see them that way.
I mean I used to be very fat, am bald, short have stretch marks and pale skin, but I have never had a problem getting women or being viewed as beautiful because I'm confident happy and never doubted for one second that I was attractive.
Two simple rules I live by OP when I don't like something about myself. If I can change it I will. If I can't then I'll learn to accept it. It's not about accepting that you're ugly it's about understanding that here in the real world variety is beauty. Just because pop-stars, film stars and magazine models are all one shape doesn't mean that's what beauty is. Beauty is being able to look around and see that everyone has a feature that is unique and beautiful. From a purely objective and objectifying context as a guy when I walk down the street I notice something very attractive about most whether it's eyes, ass, legs, face, shoulders or the entire package. Even girls I don't find attractive I can identify attractive traits that other guys would like.
I don't believe for one second that you're ugly because it's subjective and I don't believe for one second that others think you're as ugly as you think you are either.
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