A
female
age
,
*etterdays2come
writes:Why does a married man , (who obviously is not happy in his marriage), choose to stay in it, when found outeven though the woman he was seeing offers him support/help/place to live?Also, what must the atmosphere at home be like, going back to the marital home for the first time, after being found out? How can it ever work, especially if the married man has done that before and been caught?If the affair had gone on for a while, how does the married man stop thinking of his lover, whilst working at the marriage?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I think you're all nuts!! Yeah, they love their wifes, that's why they cheat on them...please, what they like is the security that the wife brings, but don't kid yourself, it isn't love, it's loyalty, it's feeling like they owe them something...most of these guys are living with a women they consider a mother or sister..not a lover, not a real partner in the real sense of marriage...it's a convinience...not love..give yourselfs a shake..oh, and the, she must love him if she's willing to take him back...that isn't love, that's being a door mat, we call that stupity.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Hi,
I'm currently in that same situation. I hate my marriage; my wife has gotten fat; she doesn't care to try to look nice anymore;she eats as much as I do and I work out 3-5 days a week; she refuses me sex the way I like it.
But I still love her; however, I have started to distance myself from her. I will someday soon just move alway and start my life with a younger slim female.
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A
female
reader, betterdays2come +, writes (2 December 2007):
betterdays2come is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you are all right - and I had/have no chance.He caught me at a vulnerable time as I had just come from a long term relationship through no choice of my own. I always vowed never to see a married man but i succumbed thinking i wouldn't get attached to him and if it wasn't me it would be someone else. But I did get attached and I miss him. It's only been 4 days since it finished so i feel quite empty. His choice too. So in the space of 6 months i have been rejected twice - but i will move on and get a life.I have to keep thinking, it is his wife who is going to have to always watch him and luckily, not me. (although it doesn't feel that way at the moment)thank you all
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): The difference? The married man who goes back to his marriage, had experienced a temporary loss of two very important things....a conscience and a sense of committment to his marriage and family. The man who leaves his wife/family for the mistress, has a permanent loss of these two important things. The mistress always ends up with a man who has a questionably weak character and will inevitaably do it to her. Agree or disagree, if you will. It's up to you..as this is just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (1 December 2007):
 That is a good question. Why do some men have affairs and others leave their wife for the other woman? The couple of instances I know where the man did leave his wife, the other woman that the man fell for refused to have an affair. The men left their wifes for the other woman but the relationship didn't get going until the divorce process was far along.
There are also very, very bad marriages where the man leaves for another woman. Sometimes the wife doesn't take the man back and he falls to the other woman. There are a lot of men who don't like being alone.
I guess there really isn't one solid answer.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (1 December 2007):
The affair was exciting for him. It was a momentary lapse in his judgement to find something that made him feel alive. Instead of working issues out in the marriage, he turned to you-it was easier for him.
Once a cheater decides to go back to the marriage the only feelings left of the affair are guilt. He will not like to see you as you represent the bad in him. He has now gone back to what was comfortable and what he cherishes. Now this becomes easier than lying, sneaking around, and basically leading a double life.
Will he cheat again, maybe, maybe not. Falling in love with a man who is married is never a good bet. Heck, falling in love with a man and having that work out is a lottery. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, betterdays2come +, writes (1 December 2007):
betterdays2come is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso what is different with the men who leave their wives for their lover?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): To a lot of men there are two definitive meanings to relationships, that over ride their life. Marriage means: strong family bonds, a powerful committment, stability, other-involved happiness, a lifetime relationship built on respect. An affair means: fun, impulsiveness, superficiality, immorality , poor judgement and medicating his own self-involved pleasure,. No matter what he tells his mistress, this is more often than not...what it really is. And that is why he stops thinking of his 'lover'. A lover comes to represent something 'seedy' in his life..so he makes himself forget. He can't respect a woman who would 'have sex' with him, knowing he was married. It's a double standard, I know...but it's real.
So when gets caught having an affair, his fantasy just became a harsh reality that has hit him hard. He goes back to the wife and kids. He had temporarily put the 'fanatsy' of a fairytale illicit relationship above the people he upholds and adores most, in his life and he came to his senses. Simple as that. And realize, his marriage is not perfect. It was this very problem that could've caused his infidelity in the first place. So what is he doing now? He is dealing with his guilt and pain he caused the woman he loves, his wife. He could be feeling blessed and privileged to have a wife and family. He could be trying to be thoughtful, strong and compassionate with her...trying to make this marriage work. Marriage is a struggle but it's that 'sharing the burdens, the ups and downs, that committment' that makes him stay where he's at.
Any woman who puts herself in the position of 'mistress' should also step aside and really think about what her fantasical, dreamy expectations were, with this married guy. Marriage to him? I don't think so. If he was able to cheat on his wife, with whom he once loved and married in front of god, family and friends, but then 'claims' he loved you, do you think its possible that he would've have cheated on you, eventually? I think character issues and lack of that, comes front and center here. Aside from 'what' type of crappy husband and Father he was, he is at home where he wants to be. And the mistress is no longer..she must move on and vow to always uphold herself as a good, strong woman and never interfere in another woman's marriage again.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (1 December 2007):
 Simple, the affair is always just sex with the man, the marrage is love and commitment. He and his wife have chosen to try to make the marrage work, she obviously loves him a lot if she is willing to forgive him such a huge mistake.
Dont kid yourself that he will ever try to leave her again, he lves her and not you.
Go find someone who isnt already married.
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