A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this is my situation. I met a guy a while ago, and I found out from a mutual friend that he is extremely into me. I was really not especially attracted to him from the beginning, but since physical attraction is not always instant, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and hang out with him. He seemed very nice, but I really was not feeling anything but friendship for him. Still, I gave it another go, but I just was not feeling it. I really do not believe this was either of our faults, it simply cannot be helped that I do not see him that way. I also realized that I was not ready to start dating again this soon after breaking up with my ex. I told him the honest truth, but his response had got me feeling really worried. He basically told me that he unserstood, but if he saw me with anyone else, he would be really upset. The interaction left me feeling uncomfortable, but he argued that I should give him more of a chance because I don't even really know him yet. I agreed to see him again. That seemed fair, but the next morning, he texted me, warning me to stop talking to him if I was talking to another guy. Is it just me, or does this behavior seem out of line for having only hung out twice, and having never actually been on a date yet? My gut is telling me this is a red flag for possessive behaviour, and that he is thinking of me like a book at the library that he can just reserve until I am ready to date. I honestly don't even want to see him again at this point, as I feel he has pushed me to far. I guess I'm just a little bit confused as to how I should go about telling him that he has made me uncomfortable, therefore I have no intentions to see him again? I have always been in long term relationships, so I have very limited experience in handling these situations. If you have been in a situation like this, how did you handle it, and how did the person react? I am most concerned about his reaction, so any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
View related questions:
my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 OP, he is way out of line, especially for someone you've just met and supposedly wants to impress you.
This sort of person mistakes courtesy with weakness so I would be brief, calm, brutally honest and totally unapologetic. Don't wait for a response. Just block him. He had his chance to make a good impression and he blew it.
You need to remind yourself that you are not obliged to give someone a first chance, let alone a second, third or fourth. To agree to see someone you have no interest in does more harm than good. It gives them false hope and emboldens them to take further liberties with you and it's just unnecessary torment for you. Why socialize with those whose company you don't enjoy? Life is just too short.
The time to speak up when someone crosses the line is right after the first time. Waiting for some 'right time' just allows a pattern to form and the longer it goes on the harder it is to break.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): OK, so you gave him a chance, but there's no magic "number" of chances you give someone before you realize that nothing is going to develop. You're not feeling it, and you were honest. To him, giving him more of a chance meand keep seeing him until HE decides it's over. When he said he'd be really upset if he saw you with another guy, my initial thought was that he would be hurt because you rejected him and then there you go seeing someone else (Ha! So it WAS someone else, you LIED you bitch!) Now, I don't personally believe what I just stuck in parentheses, but I've heard that line so many times I'm sick of it. Quite honestly, though, you really aren't ready to date anayone anyway so you won't be seen with another guy - it's kinda moot. If he doesn't talk to you anymore, good riddance to bad rubish. I think the problem here is that he only wants you to stop talking on HIS terms. He will never take it well if YOU stop the conversation. I agree that he sounds like a possessive control-freak and that you dodged a bullet.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 This is not just a red flag, it is a million red flags and a giant siren. This guy is already behaving in a frankly scary way. I think you should just cut him off. Normally it's nice to give him some kind of "not interested" message, but you have told him you're not interested and he badgered you into two dates. I think you should ignore him as I'm worried he will not react well to or accept a rejection.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): This is really simple. Call him on the phone and tell him that you do not want to see him anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 December 2013):
 Listen to your gut, I think it's absolutely right.
HE IS being controlling and possessive. His behavior is WAY out of line.
I would tell him (preferably over the phone, and not in person and not through texts) that you just don't feel like you are 1. ready to date yet and 2. attracted to him.
Now after that, I would honestly block him from everything.
And I would not try and date someone you are not attracted to again. Chemistry is not something you can force or hope it magically appear. More often it's either there or it's not.
I would be a little worried about this guy if I were you and like Janniepeg said, don't feel like you OWE him a date or another hang out, he doesn't OWN you and you do not OWE him a thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 December 2013):
 If you stop talking to him, then he would assume you are talking to another guy. That's not going to stop him from contacting you again though. It was just an empty threat. I would have just told him right there I would not be see him again. You had agreed to see him again, but don't be afraid to tell him you changed your mind. It really does you no good to keep a promise and then have a bad date.
Last time I said no to a pushy guy I got a loud, "you suck!" then he hung up. He called me again but I didn't pick up. That shook me a little but you have to nip it in the bud. I had to be mean because I knew that if I went on a date with him it would be less pleasant to reject him in person.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): you are right what he said is off the line and is definitely a red flag. Avoid any contact, don't respond to his text, emails or voice messages, don't even tell him he makes you feel uncomfortable. If you want to tell him personally that you don't want any contact anymore, say it in a nice way over coffee and maybe go with a girlfriend of yours, you can say something along the line, you both are looking for different things and that you need time to be alone to sort your head out, then wish him a happy life and leave.
Are you sure he wasn't kidding, why would any confident young man say something like that !! Good luck and take care !!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): I personally would clearly say to him that his request is uncalled for and really quite inappropriate. Don't keep giving him chances, say you're not interested and leave it as that.
If he keeps going on for other chances and you keep giving in, he's going to keep doing it. His actions do seem like a red flag of possessive or jealous behaviour and that's not something you want to get wound up in. You said yourself there's no connection between you, if I were you I wouldn't even try and form a friendship because he is interested romantically and it could just make things complicated
...............................
|
