A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Wanted some help clarifying how to respond to something that hurt me slightly by my boyfriend of 2.5years.Boyfriends grandma is fairly old now, and I get on with her really well. Lovely lady. at her birthday dinner, i saw her using a table bag hook, and said wow thats really cool, and she smiled and we talked some more then went off on another topic, and after a while she said, here dear, you have it, a little gift to you. i was a little caught off guard and wasn't expecting that and didn't know whether to say thank you but no thankyou or accept it gracefully, so I went with thankyou very much thats extremely kind of you and accepted. She then winked and said she used it on her first few dates when she met her husband. Which was a very cute story. She got up and went somewhere for a bit, and I just said to my boyfriend, is this okay, should I give it back? maybe the family won't be happy if it has sentimental value? (she has a lot of stuff around her house, all sorts of sentimental things, and even valuable things. Its never ending all the stuff in her house with keepsakes. None of them knew this bag hook even existed.So my boyfriend said, yes i think i should take it back, she is far too generous and would give everything away if we were not around to let her. So of course I said no problem and handed it to him. He said he will talk to her the next day and give it back.The next day, he went and talked to her and said grandma, you shouldn't give these things away, now if when you do pass away and you would like her to have it then she can have it as a little gift from you. but i think you should keep it. (i could hear it on the other side of the room, i was feeling a little awkward but pretended i didnt hear) she said very sternly, now now , it is just a little table bag hook, she can definitely have it. I mean it. and wouldnt take any reasoning from him.That was that. And he just sorta said to me its sorted. and that was that, he has it safe in his house, and i havent seen it since.Its been 4 weeks, but i guess i do feel a little hurt. Im not sure if i should be or not. If she insisted, I would have taken good care of it, and if boyfriend and i split up, i would of course hand it back. To me, I worry if he is like this now, with a small gift, what will he be like when she does pass away, and if we were living together. does he draw some line and say - these are my families possessions, do not touch? It kinda hurts, because i feel like im not treated as family I guess.I'd think differently if it was something very significant or of high money value. But I honestly don't think she would do that. She saw it as a gift.Next time I see her, she might assume i have it. But I don't.If i'm wrong to feel hurt, I guess I'd like to hear your opinions.He also speaks in a bad way with this topic with his fathers wife (she was the other women who broke up his mum and dad, but has been a good 'step mum' to him for 20 years or more) she makes comments to the grandma like " oh i know a great wall that painting would look good on and winks at grandma" my bf responds to me- oh god 'she' would take anything she could get her hands on, - I asked why do you say that? dont you trust her? he said ' she would probably give it to her own family (her sister).' I asked has she done that before then? he said no, but she can talk my dad probably into anything. and its not hers.I take that part with a pinch of salt because there might be a seed of resentment against this woman due to the situation (but it was over 20 years ago? and shes been nothing but nice to him) But I wonder if I would be treated as "non deserving family member to not benefit"i.e. if he has more inheritance that would contribute to a future - i worry he will make it black and white where i stand to 'ownership' of things. I'm just not built that way, I share my life and would see the bag hook as a small gift had it been the other way around.Thanks!
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female
reader, Bazinga  +, writes (8 November 2013):
 Hi OP,
Hmm so it's not just a one off thing with his Grandmother?. If his family say he is tight, well I guess he may not be the most generous.
I understand where you are coming from, the relationship I was in 5 years ago I paid for most things and he would disappear when a bill came or to buy tickets to the cinema. I didn't mind paying but after awhile you realise you are being taken advantage of. I understand he is 50/50 but seriously come on?. Treating your gf/bf to a meal is no big deal and for him to change his mind is incredibly mean.
I think you deserve better than that. His behaviour may ebb away at your confidence or self eseteem, doesn't exactly make you feel good does it?.
I would suggest speaking to him about it and possibly come to a compromise. Tell him how it makes you feel. Is he the man you are going to marry or spend the rest of your life with? and if he is, in marriage will you still be sharing meals 50/50?. What about when you have children? who will be responsible?. It's not about being dependent on someone but interdepence. Looking out for one another. I think maybe you need to ask yourself, can you live with such a miser for the rest of your life?.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): original poster: yes he is 50/50, His family joke and say he is tight. Another time this topic kind of upset me, at a christmas dinner we were away abroad together alone. his grandma gave him a cheque and said have a good time on your holiday. At christmas dinner - we overspent and it was a £400 dinner. He said 'oh well grandma has covered this treat for us and winked at me' I smiled but didn't know how to respond and made a new convo as we were having a fab time.It goes on hotel bill, at end of holiday, he picks up bill and says lets sort it back home.He did treat me to one meal from that holiday, but it wasn't christmas dinner, it was another restaurant. Now a treat is a treat, and I am very grateful. But that meal was expensive for both our budgets and he insinuated, lets not stress and he'll treat us with his 'xmas present'TO get back home, and change his mind.I didn't make a song and dance, but it just felt like an operation, I was waiting to find out how much I owed him for the hotel bill. To find out, I am paying for christmas meal and he will pick up the other meal, so i paid him £110 less, once finances were sorted. It just didn't feel 'romantic'. I was happy booking this holiday and budget 50/50. That wasn't my problem, but it made me feel, I don't know, like he did me a 'favour'.I'm trying to suss if this is something that will bother me in the future, or if I should forgive this trait because I'm not perfect either.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 My, your bf does sounds very territorial about stuff ! all this fuss over a bag hook ?? Freud would have made him his poster boy for Anal- Retentive :).
Unless... I have a theory. Totally unsubstantiated , but I'll just throw it in there. Maybe he just wants to wean his grandma from a habit of giving away stuff for no reason, or at least to curb it. I have noticed time and again how older folks often become funny with money and objects. And they don't need to be senile or incapacitated for that - , it's just something that happens with age, their attitude to possession change. Some become very stingy, greedy, miserly, as they were NOT before. And some others instead become very generous and just keep giving and giving, to anybody. ( Who knows, maybe it's the idea in the back of their mind that they won't be here much longer so might as well to make people happy before they go ... ).
If the old lady is a super generous , giving person, the type that just needs to hear " oh how nice this is " to answer " there, you have it "- well, if it's a bag hook no problem, but apparently this lady is being hit on for more valuable belongings, and by people not blood related to your bf, and not dear to his heart , in which case I understand that he may be annoyed without necessarily being a miser.
Why, don't tell me that he should be HAPPY if a heirloom painting ends up in the hands of his STEP aunt ?
Of course it's not his choice what the old lady wants to do with her own stuff. But if the old lady did not actually have the idea of donating something, but she's just responding to the seed artfully planted by someone else, well... then it's a bit different isn't it ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): Original poster: I like the idea of the extra bag hook :-)but he would hate me and call me devious forever? but truth hurts? I look over to my right just now and have this ceramic bowl that was made by an ex's blind grandfather. And I still think, what a lovely old talented man, and is a cherished item of mine from 10 years ago. He never chased me down for it or anything. He knew his grandfather wanted me to have it. And knew me well enough to know I value it. I just think, a bag hook from this lovely grandma would have been just as valued, but he decided I wasn't to have it, even though the grandma clearly stated I should have it. So I guess it got me thinking, is this the kind of man I want a future with, or if I showed him how it came across inconsiderate to me, and disrespectful to his grandma, maybe he didn't realise out of immaturity.Its not the first thing, and on its own, ok, i could possibly forget if he realised and was apologetic. But is a relationship about teaching eachother these things? at age 28/29.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): Well, well...your "boy" friend values materialist items over you!
If he is that way now, can you imagine how he will be with her items once his grandmother passes on!
I agree with Honeypie. Go out and buy a second bag hook and give it to his grandmother and EXPLAIN why you are doing this for her.
How rude of him to treat his own grandmother like she can't think for herself and how rude of him to treat his girlfriend like this over a small gift.
At least you found out now about this other side of him. Material things mean more to him than people do.
I'd be getting myself another boyfriend that values family over "things."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 November 2013):
 Would I ask him to clarify?
No he "clarified it" enough. You are not family and thus you don't "deserve" to be given gifts from HIS family. That is HIS potential inheritances that might be $5 smaller...
So now you know how he feels about you and STUFF his family members own.
He also showed an incredible DISRESPECT for his grandmother and you and that isn't good either.
What exactly do you need clarified from him?
Go out purchase a bag hook (or two) and next time you see the grandmother give HER the spare. Tell her "John" didn't want me to have the one you gave me, so I decided to buy myself one and I figured since he is still holding on to the other one that YOU might need a new one. That might give him some food for thought.
IT wasn't an heirloom - it was a little BAG HOOK. And he went ballistic. Can you imagine if she gave you her pearls?
The fact that he DEMANDED it from you and didn't GIVE it back to grandmother just doesn't sit well with me at all.
Is this guy cheap on dates? Splits everything 50/50? Is he ever generous? Because he sounds like a pretty cheapskate to me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2013):
 gawd table hooks for bags are a dime a dozen and folks have given me some for gifts all the time... but that's beside the point
SHE wanted YOU to have it and he took it cause he's got his own issues.
I'd let her know that he took it and have her address it with him... grandma's are not senile or stupid and she wanted you to have it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): This is the original poster: Thanks so much guys, I have been churning this one out in my head for a while, and just couldn't decide if I was being silly or not.
And thought, if I am not being silly, it could be a sign of something bad.
Appreciate the different ways to look at it. Would you guys approach the topic with your boyfriend and ask/clarify?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): He doesn't treat you as family because ypu are NOT family. You aren't married or even engaged.
Yes he is being disrespectful, but to his grandma, not to you. She told him her wish to give you this girt so he should have honored it because it is what she wants and it is hers.
But if he had the right to decide whether to give you his family heirloom or not I think its very reasonable that he would choose not to. You're not married so you're not family. Unless and until you two marry.
Then he sees his step mom as manipulating his dad into giving her stuff. He probably still doesn't accept her as family since he resents her. Although to be honest his dad was equally at fault for the divorce
Anyway. Therefore he probably doesn't see her as having an equal right to whatever his dad has.
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A
female
reader, Bazinga +, writes (7 November 2013):
All that fuss for a bag hook?. My grandma gave my brother girlfriend a watch she owned, nobody objected it was HER watch to give away and do what she wanted with.
He is not just being disrespectful to you but his grandmother. I'm sure she has her own mind, thoughts and opinions. Why treat her like a moron?. If you were taking advantage of her, I would understand but she gave you a bag hook? Not the deeds to her home. Tell him he is an arsehole and to great his grandmother with better respect and understanding, and to trust you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2013):
I think your BF is a douche. Treating his grandmother like she is some old fossil who can't make up her own mind. Who somehow has NO rights to her own possessions, big or small.
What he did to you was rude, but what he did to his GRANDMOTHER is worse.
I wouldn't take it personal, I just think that is how he was raised. Shame his Grandmother didn't tell him to go fly a kite.
He sounds selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): She gave it to you & wanted you to have it. You thanked her & even offered it back, she made it clear it was just a small gift and she wanted you to have it. The fact that it is a bag hook and he was that worried about you having it & it is now in his safe - that would make me wonder about him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 This is an issue between your boyfriend and his stepmom, and also him and grandma. However I see what you can do between you and his grandma. You can express to her that you don't need any gifts, you just want her time. Family connection is not material, and can never be taken away.
Your boyfriend has loyalty to his mom, perhaps too much. Maybe he is upset that his step mom stole what his mom deserves to have. I understand why you compare yourself to his step mom, because of his reaction. How much inheritance his mom would be getting, you are not in a position to know but I would be dead curious. If you do get married to him I hope he sees you as his mom, and not just a woman outside of the family. One woman can wreck his image of all women. If there's a thing that makes him think you are not family, that's because you and him are not blood related. Simple truth. It's kind of stupid to think of it that way but maybe he has developed a hatred for women and that they only woman he can truly love with all his heart, is his mom. He has turned his sympathy towards his mom into suspicion for anyone else.
I don't think it's wrong to feel hurt at all. I would in fact be very wary about how to behave in front of his family. I also believe it's healthy for him to get over the resentment in order for you to have a good relationship.
In Muslim cultures if you comment on a person's belonging and how you like it, you automatically take that item as yours.
It's possible that he is very affected by the divorce. Even though the step mom is very nice to him he sees that niceness as a way to get into your dad's property. Maybe his mom got very depressed after the divorce and your boyfriend would never forgive your dad, and his step mom as the homewrecker. You are innocent and have nothing to do with this but your boyfriend has no trust in women. You have reason to be concerned about your boyfriend's reaction. He has to grow up a bit and be considerate of others' feelings.
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