A
female
age
,
*illie23
writes:My husband has three daughters, all grown adults with children. His wife died ten years ago. We married two years ago and all three girls took part in our wedding. Every March 22,(the date of her death) the girls rush to mention the date to us and this year it went too far. I was told that I am first wife's replacement and that first wife is the love of my husband's life. The girls have tried to get him to leave me. I don't want to see my husband separate from his daughters despite their nastiness. However, they try to constantly remind him of her, say her name to me constantly and demean me. I'm sick of it all. My husband and I talked at length about his former wife before marrying. We are at peace about her. It's his daughters that won't allow him to go on and to be happy. They are nasty, rude, and foul mouthed. The girls were using their father as a built in babysitter before our marriage. Recently one moved in with us complete with five children all under 11, due to her being in an abusive relationship. After three weeks, when I asked her to get the kids to bed at 11 o'clock at night ,she got mad and left. Now all three girls are not speaking to their father and I am the enemy. We are considering moving away, far, far away. I don't want to separate my husband from his family neither do I want to deal with being treated so badly. What do I do? [Mod note: OP is in mid 60s]
View related questions:
moved in, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, millie23 +, writes (29 April 2014):
millie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you All for answers! My husband is ashamed of his daughters for their behaviors. Yes, I believe counseling might help. One of the girls is carrying guilt because she threw her mother out of her house and hadn't spoken to her in weeks before she died. The other daughter is carrying guilt because she refused to attend the services for her mother. And no,I don't remember my mothers death day. I look at death in a healthier way! I prefer to remember her smile and her goodness. Since I have much experience with death ( 7 close family members in 18 months) I certainly have had to develop coping skills. I am a high school teacher, my husband is a decorated war vet. Yes, I agree growing some testicles is a good answer! Mostly the girs want to control our lives and want him to babysit everyday now that he's retired. Florida's looking good!!!!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 There always are two sides to a story, particularly in this kind of sensitive situations. I feel ,like the female anon reader , that I want to believe you,yet... In fact, I DO believe you, I can perfectly imagine how you feel undermined and antagonized, and how all this must be hard to deal for you. Subjectively. But, objectively, it sounds like you are mostly worried about affirming your territorial rights and your importance in the family's pecking order , and you don't spare much thought for the feelings of those who, foul mouthed or not, are your husband 's daughters, and already were since way before you came on the scene.
Why in the world they should not mention their mother in front of you on the anniversary
of her death ?!
Why, don't you remember the day YOUR mother died ? Don't you happen to say, today, April 14th... yeah, it's the Xth anniversary of my beloved mom's departure... ? It's NATURAL ! and why they should never mention their mom in front of you or of their dad , to protect your beyond-the-grave jealousy ? Why should they not REMEMBER their mom and bring her up in conversation, like anything else that was a big important part of tehir life experience - as could be their college years, or childhood memories, or a dear deceased grandparent ? -
If the mention of this woman's name is such a taboo for you, then you are not at all " at peace with her " as you mention. You married a widower, and his long marriage before you is part of his human experience on this earth, and , most of all, of his daughters'. If HE choses to avoid any reference to the past, to avoid making you feel insecure, or like he is making comparisons or regretting the past, well, that's superfluous IMO, yet it's understandable , and nice too, that he wants to be protective of your feelings and make you feel secure and special. But his daughters are not in love with you, don't have to do that, why should they be forbidden to say their mother's name in front of you ?
As for the daugher with 5 kids, on one hand I commend you, I'd personally give you a medal for accepting that , must have been a big, huge inconvenience, disruption and sacrifice, and not even this woman's own birth mom probably would have dealt with it easily,... but here's the catch, once you accepted her back in the family home, you can't treat her just like a noisy hotel guest, or an inconsiderate weekend visitor, who drops the guest towels on the bathroom floor. She is FAMILY ( for your husband, if not for you )- if there's a problem with the kids, or their wellbeing,behaviour or discipline, it's everybody's problem, you deal with it together, you offer practical help and support, you study a solution TOGETHER as if you were a large family, you don't just give out rules and regulations as a boarding school headmistress . Not even if legally now half of the house belonged to you ( which it's not even a given, in the case of a deceased previous spouse ).
You may say, reasonably, that you never signed out for auch a large family, only for getting married- yeah but, you married a widower with children and grandchildren, plenty of potential baggage. If you take on the baggage, you also take on the committment to handle it properly, respectfully, diplomatically and with the most possible satisfaction of EVERYBODY who's involved.
What does your husband really feel about the situation ? Does he really want to elope far away with you, and cut himself off, maybe forever, from his children , and grandchildren ?... Or is he getting along with what you would like and prefer , because , caight between a rock and a hard place, he chooses the path of least resistence, i.e. to get along with the person who's actually living with him, and could make his daily life really distasteful if crossed ?
Also, suppose he is really the one who's fed up the way his daughters react to you, and he is willing to ditch them for you - would you be Ok with being the woman who cut off an older man from his family for the rest of his life ? would you be Ok with being the one who made him choose between you and them ?... big moral responsibility to carry, seems to me... You don't sound thick skinned enough for that...
I think this a situation which should be dealt with more respect and sensitivy from BOTH sides... your husband should sit them down and tell them what is fair and what is not, and which boundaries should not be crossed.... but you should be careful to make sure that these boundaries are human and reasonable, and not put in place just because you feel uncomfortable in the shoes of a second wife and feel somewhat of a competition with a dead woman...
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (14 April 2014):
 This is really sad and so immature of his daughter's. It is a shame that they can't be grown ups about the whole situation. My father died last October and being married to my mom for almost 54 years. 3 months later, my mother found her first love when she was 17. His wife had died a month after my father. It is VERY difficult for me because I loved my dad so much and I can't lie..I am shocked that my mom has moved on so quickly. They are already living together. But you know what? It isn't my place to judge and I keep my hurt to myself. The man seems like a nice man, and he treats my mother very well. She's 78 years old and who am I to tell her she can't be happy? So I wish them the best and never let them know or see the pain that I feel.
Your husband's daughter are brats. I would recommend that you move away. You don't deserve to be treated badly. Your husband should be the one to talk to them and explain that he doesn't appreciate their behavior and that if they can't treat you with dignity and respect then they are not welcome in your home (wherever that may be). Its tough love but seriously...they need to stop acting like they are 3 years old. I wish you the best. I wouldn't want to split up a father/daughter relationship either but you are married to each other and they need to stop being brats.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 April 2014):
 Oh, wow... yeah I'd move far far away.
They has 8 years to deal with the death of their mother before you married their dad and they SHOULD wish him to be happy again. They should be GRATEFUL that there is a woman like you who can make him happy.
Ungrateful, selfish and inconsiderate women.
First of all what does your husband want? Have you told him it needs to be dealt with and that HE needs to do it (they ARE after all HIS kids).
If that was my kids I would be so ashamed of them.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 April 2014):
 You move far, far away, and live with hubby and let nasty girls live their lives... far, far away....
Good luck....
P.S. Hope your hubby has grown testicles, in the meantime...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): OP, though I am trying to believe you as much as possible, but few frases made me alarmed. They are talking about her all the time in front of you? And that upsets you? Of course they will talk about her for the rest of their lives. Their mother died Farely young, of course they miss her terribly. Your husbands daughter left wit 5 kids after you " kindly" told her to put kids to bed? I find it very hard to believe, unless she is insane or on drugs. I am sure there were other issues between her and you. Though I don't blame you not wanting to live with 5 small children. Unfortunately you knew you are marrying to a man with whole life behind him and grown daughters. You needed to be prepared. That would be an ideal situation if everything went fine between you and the girls. But it's not. If you absolutely can't handle them, of course ideal for you would be to move away, but how far is it to your husband? You don't expect him not to talk ever to his daughters doesn't matter how nasty they are in your eyes?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Can you see a counsellor (you and hubby) to learn the best ways to deal with this? You need to be prepared for it because moving away won't just separate the adult children from their father, it will tear apart any relationship the young children have with their grandparent and you.
...............................
|
