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His ex wont leave him alone

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 October 2007) 15 Answers - (Newest, 21 October 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend just under a year.

His ex is like a thorn in my side - she won't go away!

Every time she crops up, it causes conflict in our relationship. We'll forget about her, then the next thing youknow she's textigm or calling, or emailing.

A month ago we had a huge arguement because I found out he had been texting her - it was totally innocent, he asked me to go through his calls to see if he had been overcharged for international calls, so I do believe he was inncoent or else he wouldn't have asked me to go through the calls on his bill. But I was upset to find her number on there about 20 times, I know it isn't a large amount but I had beenunder the impression that they weren't in contact.

He explained that she had text him and he had simply text back on some occasions. I do know he doesn't keep her number stored on his phone, but I do know that he has kept a text message form her in a saved message box on his mobile which he doesn't know that I know about. It does make me wonder why he kept it because it wasn't even anything remarkable in the text. I can't ask him though because I was really wrong to go through his phone, I have never done anything like that before (and as you can tell my boyfriend is very open about things, we don't keep phonebills or email passwords a secret etc).

Ok, so we had the arguement about it, I felt alot better and alot more secure about it, and then bam, she's sent him another email. I don;t get why she can't just go away and leave us to get on with our lives, and her to get on with hers (she has been with her boyfriend for about 6 months, funnily enough she is with the guy she cheated on my boyfriend with). I should probably mention he broke up with his ex girlfriend.

I don't want to create a big fuss about the email, presently my boyfriend hasn't seen the email, I saw it when I logged into his account to get our internet account online log in details. I haven't read it and I don't want to because it just makes me feel irritable and down that she won't leave him alone. I guess I don't really need advice, just needed to get this off my chest, although it would be nice to hear what people's opinions are on the whole matter.

View related questions: broke up, cheated on my boyfriend, ex girlfriend, his ex, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010):

me and my boyfriend has been together 8 months but his ex even though she lives 9000km away plays a large role in our lives. she is as crazy as can be and just sms and calls permanently. he has tried to tell her to stop, has ignored her calls and sms'es but she does'nt stop. he does reply sometimes as she tells him she is going through a difficult time. he says he is really over her and he does love me very much but he wants her to be happy and because she is so unstable he feels he sometimes has to try and help her by just replying. i know he loves me but this is driving me crazy and ofcourse i imagine he still has feelings for her as i know they really did love each other before. i don't know how to handle it any more, and we have had fights about it. so i really understand how you feel and i basically think one should tell him even though it is difficult for you that he now needs to take time and decide which one of you he wants in his life, because one you deserve to be number one otherwise you have to end it, and if he really loves you he will end it completely, if not you have to face the fact that he is'nt completely over her. good luck and be strong because im about to do the same

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010):

oh my god, this is going on the saem thing w/ me.

just tell that crazy ex girlfriend of his to let it go &move on w/ her life. seriously.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010):

I know what your going through. My husbands ex wont leave him alone. She's has been like this ever since they broke up. I have told her time and time again to back off and leave him alone. The only answer I keep getting is she is doing what she is told being paitent. She also keeps telling me that he told her to wait. We just got married about ago. She is always texting him or calling him, every time I say something he just tells me to let it go until after the baby is born. He has even said something to her and it doesnt work. I think she may be psycho. So I do know what your going through. I have read his email a few times when she emails him. So I say you two will have your day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010):

I am going throug the same thing. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. His ex knows what we are together and actually expecting baby in the spring. Why she feels the need to contact him is beyond me. He changes his number and all of that, but she messages him on facebook every now and again after he deleted her off of his page. Then tries to friend him again WTF not only to make matters worse, she is coming home to visit around the time our baby is due. Weird to me.

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A female reader, M1ssL0ve United States +, writes (16 February 2010):

Rockele I told my bf to tell his ex to leave him alone and still found he speaks to her but he describes it as not speaking to hear and just replying on answer words or one sentence to get her off his back plus he has classes with her because when they were dating she made it so they would have class together so he still has to have some type of contact with her he says. To me It just doesn't feel right. One weekend he was with me he was on his laptop all nite texting her on aim I saw her face and he kept trying to hide it when I would walk by. So i called him on it the next day after I took him home and I told him if he didn't have the balls to close the door behind him then don't put his foot in my door! So he said he would take care of it and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. FOr some reason I don't believe it because I caught him talkin to her again but he said it was innocent and nothing like I am thinking. He said she's always feeding him sob stories ect. I don't know why he aknowledges them. She told him she screwed a 36 year old man with 3 kids and she only did it to try to get over him. He believes it. I am so into him and I just don't know what to do. I feel like a hopeless stupid romantic!! I am so ready to give up because I feel it's not worth the heartache. I have cried 2 times already because of her. One nite after I took him home he usually says something to me online but didn't for 4 hours. She use to live with him in his apartment and he kicked her out because she was lazy and wouldn't do anything. He said she was jealous insecure and immature and needed to change. He took her back before and she went back to the same old ways. She started expecting him to buy her things and never said thank you for gifts he got her. I think that hurt him and made him feel used but I can tell he was so in love with her by how he talked about her although he denies any feelings for her now. Anyway so after I took him home.. something told to look at her twitter because she followed me on there suspecting I am who he is talking to now.. and I saw a message to him saying "your making me chicken right now and I love it!!=]" and IM like WTF? so that is why he's not answering me and it broke my heart i cursed him out and here he gets mad at me like im crazy because he said she asked him what he was doing and he said seasoning chicken for later so she put that on her twitter to mess with his head he says. Things just aren't matching up and it's driving me crazy. He swears he loves me and I'm his baby.. but he gets distance for days at a time and I went all out for him on V-day buying him all these gifts and all he did was make me dinner and go home because he had to "study" UGhh anyway I had enough of typing about it I think it's just gona end. I am better than this!!!

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A female reader, Olivia Sophie-jane United Kingdom +, writes (16 June 2009):

I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriends ex is a total freak aswell.. she cheated on him a few times, and is with the guy she last cheated on him with, and now everytime she see's my boyfriend shell try and tell him she loves him, and ask if he misses her and things like that. My boyfriend has told her he is in love with me and does not love or miss her anymore, yet every now and then she'll crop up 1 way or another and try talking to him again. And i dont know what to do becos i really dislike her and am desperate just to ask her what she thinks shes doing and explain to her what an interfering little bitch shes being, but my boyfriend asked me not to. And i dont understand why, becos the minute 1 of my ex's texts or talks to me (like when were out clubbing or something) he is straight on the case.. so why cant i jst have a quiet word with her?

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A female reader, Chrissy1986 Canada +, writes (2 December 2008):

Chrissy1986 agony auntI have the same problem the only differance is I've been with my fience for about 4 years now. I agree with wat you did, only I would have actually read that e-mail. As a matter of fact when he was at work i logged on to his messanger and got it to save all his conversations to my computer. I find if there is any doubt in a relationship espesially when it comes to thier ex, there is a darn good freason for it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008):

My bf has an ex. they have two kids together and believe me when I say: she still wants him back after 1 year and 7 months that we hav been together! she sees that we are happy, the kids luv me and has accepted that daddy has a new person in his live but she doesn't. she manipulates him at every corner, still calling him "lovey" in front of me and suggesting all kinds of things while i'm present. it gets to me that he has to go over there and such, but i try to ignore my jealous feelings. tonight he has to take the older one to moddelling class, and she is going with him. i feel like an outsider because it is something i would like to do with him. he doesn't always understand why i get jealous, he says he loves me and the kids, not her. oh, did i mention that she lives one street away!!! i often feel that it would be better to let him go, but i do luv him and the kids so much and they are already a big part of my life. i just hope that she gets the picture and leave him alone..... anyway, i get how you feel. its not a nice spot to be in.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008):

Okay, I'm totally feeling your pain here as am going through exactly the same thing... my boyf's ex is a pain in the arse to say the least! Both ex's are extremely sad and lonely girls who are vieing for the attention they had from the guys previously. My boyf's ex actually finished with him and now I believe is trying to regain the attention she had as she's living in another country and not near friends etc. DO NOT let this girl ruin your relationship. It's sooooo very hard i know as i'm going through it too but remember he's with you NOT her. I wish you all the best, it's so painful being in this situation!! x

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (17 December 2007):

brooke5426 agony auntare you sure hes ignoring her? because after all this time, i dont think she would still contact him if she wasnt getting some sort of hope he still interested in her (im not saying its warranted, it could be something as simple as she misses him and even if he texts her saying piss off its giving her some kind of attention from him).

if he completely ignores her, she'll get bored and give up. she wont contact someone when she knows for definite she wont get a reply - there would be no point. but if hes contacting her she might be convincing herself of something.

be careful how you approach it though. you dont want to give her room to play the "your girlfriend is so jealous she wont let you speak to anyone - IM not like that!!" card.

brooke

x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007):

Beware. This girl could be absolutely insane. I told my boyfriend to tell his ex to piss off (she contacted several years after their break-up) and she called the police on him for something she turned out to be doing.

Tell him to ignore her. IGNORE. Don't put yourself in that same position.

Some ex-girlfriends are just insane.

You might want to lodge a boot up in her right now but you have no idea how many times you'll want to do it after she does something like that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just thought I would update those who replied...She is still hassling him, after all this time! He has taken to ignoring it though and slowly the time between contact is increasing. I do have to wonder why she embarasses herself like that!!

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A female reader, rockelle United States +, writes (4 October 2007):

rockelle agony auntAlthough, the Ex is initiating the contact I think that your boyfriend is enjoying the fact that she is probably regretting the mistake that she made. The fact that she ruined her relationship, with him and obviously she is not completely over him. If he was as bothered by her texts, and emails then he would have put a stop to it. I think you need to sit him down and explain to him, that his contact with her bothers you and HE needs to tell her to leave him alone. If he is not willing to do that then he is enjoying the texts, and emails as much as she is.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (4 October 2007):

rcn agony auntIf her number isn't stored on his phone, he keeps one text to keep in contact so if he wants to contact her, he just has to reply to the text. Now I'd like to say, It is OK for him to keep in contact with an ex, if it was OK with you. He's not in a relationship with her now, so if you feel disrespected by his contact, he needs to end the contact.

She cheated on him, he still keeps contact, he broke up with her because she cheated and had disrespected their relationship by those actions, and now she's disrespecting yours by these contacts. She thinks only of herself, and not of the feelings of others. She needs to move on with her boyfriend and let him have his relationship without interference.

On the other hand, you can't dictate what he does or does not do. We trust people with our hearts in hoping they wont hurt us, but we owe them that trust, then if they cause use pain we have the choice to stay in the relationship or move on and end it. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry. But it is up to him to change and let his ex know to end contact if he respects your feelings. It may be completely innocent, but it's not if it has a negative affect on your relationship.

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A female reader, brooke5426 United Kingdom +, writes (4 October 2007):

brooke5426 agony auntI'm with you. I would find it hard too. Why hasnt she moved on? She's with someone else, and he is too. She ruined the relationship now she needs to deal with what she did and p off.

your boyfriend is also responsible for you feeling like this though. i think you could tell him you know she emailed you because you said he's open about his email passwords and you werent snooping, you were in his emails looking for log in details. and you didnt open the email she sent. which was very decent and mature of you.

but he needs to respect how you feel and i think if i were you i would explain to him how hard you find it to get on with being a couple while shes around and ask him to cut all contact with her. if she texts him he should ignore it. same with emails. he is with you now and he doesnt have any reason to contact her.

i think she is just jealous and trying to cause problems for you and him. So dont let her. She cheated, he left, now he's with you. I understand shes a pain but remember that it was his decision to end that relationship so i dont think shes much of a threat to you. but you should definitely explain to him how down it makes you and expect him to do whatever he can to make you feel better - he's your man now and your feelings should take priority over staying in touch with someone from his past.

brooke

xx

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