A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and before we were together he was with his ex girlfriend for 7 years, she broke his heart.When he started dating me, she said all kinds of really nasty things about my appearance, and that he could do better etc. We look completely different, the ex and I. She is tall, blonde, slim, and I am small, dark haired, curvy. I know this really doesn't make much of a difference, but I know that when he was with her people always said that she was way out of his league. Some guy friends still comment on how out of his league she actually was.She was horrible to him when we got together, and once she got a boyfriend she phased him out completely, deleted him from social networking sites, and stopped texting him, when they did speak she was constantly putting him down- after a year of us being together I heard no more about her, she cut him out of her life. He text her to wish her happy xmas and happy new year etc and she told him to delete her number. When she got dumped by her new boyfriend, she suddenly came back on in scene... (about a month ago). She added him on Facebook and asked him for a drink- he asked me if it was ok and I said yes, so they met up one night. He said he has a good time catching up, but I told him to think about it, why now after 3 years of being a B**** would she suddenly be interested in a friendship? He agreed with me, but I was still curious about what she had to say to him. She told him that it was her new boyfriends fault that she didn't keep in touch etc. That he was manipulative and so on. That's not a good enough excuse in my opinion, I am still on contact with my exs also, and get on with some of them very well. I told him after they met up, that I wasn't really comfortable with him meeting up with her again- she has no need to, and it's pretty obvious what she is trying to do. If she was around since the start of our relationship, as his friend, I wouldn't mind so much, but jealously is starting to set in. She keeps sending him messages-innocent things usually. Normal everyday things, but has asked him to meet up again. He told me he said no. She is clearly bored and lonely and wants him to chase her again. I wouldn't normally be too jealous, I trust him and he is a pretty good guy, but they have a history and I think she is trying to get back with him in a round about way, I think she realizes how good she had it. Do you think I should just give up? I love him, but I can't compete with her, and I am afraid that it is inevitable. When I comment on how pretty she is etc, he doesn't deny it, he just tells me to stop. He is not a compliment giver to me by any means, but I know that he idolized her. Why is he allowing her to come back into his life, just like that? Is this a completely hopeless situation? Please answer this honestly. He hasn't done a thing wrong, be he admitted that if they were together, after a few drinks, talking about old times, there was a possibility he could and that he doesn't want to put himself in this situation. If this is true, shouldn't he ignore her texts etc? Please help. I am feeling hopeless and jealous.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): First, you need a reality check desperately. Just because someone is perceived as better looking, doesn't mean she can hold a candle to you. You need to get out of that doomed set of mind.
My ex is way "hotter,"'or at least friends seem to think so than my current girlfriend but I am SO MUCH HAPPIER with my current partner. Looks have their limitations, let's not forget, pretty isn't everything and if he doesn't get that then it's not the kind of relationship you want anyway.
So realize there is really no competition but the one you are creating in your mind. If you aren't comfortable with him talking to his ex, then tell him so and if he is worth a dime as your partner, he'll do what's right. And if not, thank that tall blonde for taking him out of your way. Eventually looks fade for us all and in the end, it's all about compatibility.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 This (below) is an excerpt from a reply that I made to a poster, recently. It seems appropriate to repeat, here.
I'll never understand how and why two (or more) women would argue, maneuver, agree/disagree and, basically, wrap their lives around some "man" who they both (or, all) claim to love and cherish and want to spend time with him... whilest, all the while, he is being treated and manipulated as if he was some inanimate object.... as if the women were schoolgirls fighting over a "Dora the Explorer" doll.....
If you and ex- are disputing over some guy who is allowing the two of you to squabble... and doesn't exhibit the wherewithall to declare his love for one (and only one) of you ... what kind of guy are you really fighting over????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Thank you for your advice. I am 23 and he is 27. He dated her in high school and even lived with her until he was 23- I met him when he was 24. She is also his age, and often refers to me as "the kid" despite the fact that I do pretty well for myself in terms of my career, achievements, etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2013):
 I think you need to sit him down and tell him what you wrote on here, how you actually feel.
It MIGHT give him food for thought to stop talking to her.
And no, don't try and compete with an ex. It's pointless - if he WANTS to be with you he will listen to you and find a way to make you feel secure. I don't blame you for feeling this way when all of a sudden his newly single ex starts to try and "get" him back, and him trying to be "friendly" isn't helping.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Your situation reminds me exactly of mine... Bottomline is dump your bf... he doesn't seem to respect you enough as to put you in number 1 position (when this is causing you alot of pain). For 2 years I always felt like I was in competition with his ex (she would only contact him and act like a too close of a buddy when she would be single) . I thought everything was perfect between us, however whenever conflict arose, it was usually related to his ex-gf. It came to the point where I asked him to pick between me and (staying in touch with) her. He chose her and managed to justify it. I was so in love with him that I decided I would suck it up. Fastforward a year later and all the resentment I had tried to put behind me exploded in my face and I realised he didn't respect/love me enough and that I had enough of this situation and decided I needed to respect myself first meaning that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel bad about myself. It was only when he was confronted to losing me and me deciding to break up that he "woke up" and broke ties with her. However it's too late. If he really loved me and was seeing how it was affecting me this whole time, then he would have had already taken all those steps before and chose me over her. Now that we are not together anymore, I'm actually a much happier person as I don't have to deal with these feelings of being inadequate... I have started to focus on myself and what I want and realise that I don't need a person in my life that brings me down... There's no time to deal with this kind of drama (especially when there are other great guys out there!) !
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Actually, *you* allowed her to come back into his life. You're so busy believing that you come up short in comparison to her that you lost sight that he's your boyfriend, and that his texting her, dating her, continuing a relationship of any sort with her is disloyal to you. Your esteem is so low that you actually allowed him to do it.
As for him not ignoring her texts and going out with her, if she mistreated him so badly when they were going out, why is he letting her back in his life? Not only that, but if she was that nasty to you, his current girlfriend, then why is he exposing you to more of her potential nastiness?
Get this straight -- it is NOT okay to carry on relationship with exes when you're involved with someone else. The whole "I can have female friends" argument is disqualified if there have ever been romantic feelings and especially a past relationship with the "friend". She's trying to weasel back into his life.
You tell him straight that he's had his closure, and if he continues to stay in contact with her, then you're done with him. That is baggage you do not have to put up with. Some people say "don't issue an ultimatum". Again, that's another misplaced mantra that sits alongside the "I can have female friends" mantra. It doesn't fit here. If he were having sex with another woman, you could say to him "Drop her or we're through", right? Well, his continued relationship with her is DISLOYAL. How would he like it if you were seeing an ex-boyfriend? I'm guessing he wouldn't.
If you utter the words "But I don't want to break up with him, I love him too much" as an excuse not to stand up for yourself, then you are lost. Never ever let yourself become desperate for anyone. Ever. Sometimes, respect must be enforced, and that means his respect for you and your relationship by not letting exes encroach.
If he's messing with her, he is a fool, and you're out of his league. Beauty is only skin deep, and if he is that weak and mewling as to let her manipulate herself back into his life, then you don't want him anyways.
By the way, his being with you for 3 years and this other woman for 7, how old is he, anyways? If he's also 22-25, is some of this from High school (12-15 years old)? If so, he's still immature. If he's a lot older than you, then he's an idiot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): If you feel uncomfortable then in all honesty he should cut her out of her life altogether. He is meant to love you and if he truly dose then he Shouldn't have a problem with it.
I don't think you are overreacting. I know I would be the same. Also it sound like she is either wanting attention after a brake up and came crawling back for him or she dose want a friendship with him. But either way she has a lot of front.
Like I said. If loves you he should not have a problem cutting her out. Giving what he was like to you when you was first together then I should think he'd want to show you in anyway it is you that he wants.
Good luck. X
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