A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We've been dating for 2 years now. things are great between us. We both have a kid of each from previous marriage and both kids are all grown (counting the days to send them off to college lol). Lately, I've been having some issue and I am having hard time adjusting to it. It's his ex wife. She recently became single (a guy she cheated with left her husband over left her). I've met her few times briefly and she seem like a nice person. Since she became single, a person who was really never around physically (bf has the full custody of their kid). she calls bf asking for a help if there is something to be done at her place. And, now she just shows up unannounced. she comes in with "I don't mean to intrude, but..." and states the reason for the visit. When ever things like this happens, I can't help but to feel irritated and angry and that anger goes to my bf. I don't mean having an argument with my bf but I just don't want anything to do with him. I just want to void him and I shut down. I don't doubt on my bf or question our relationship. He doesn't call, go visit or carry no conversation with his ex (unless it's over their kid matter) and that is hardly ever. Even so, what she does makes me feel uneasy. And, I do not like it when things like this happen and with my mood change, putting my bf on pins and needles. He did nothing wrong yet he is being punished from me shutting down on him. I do not want this to ruin our relationship yet I really do not know if I ever can get adjust to this change with his ex. I've told him that this is something I have to come to my own term and if I can overcome and be eased with it. If it is something I can't then I need to remove myself from this relationship. And, no matter what and how hard I tried and can't come to the term, I will surely let him know. I'm very satisfied and happy with this relationship but, I can't deny the fact there is an issue...... I just need some guidance.......... thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for your kind words and words of wisdom. Just to add few things. I have had the talk with my bf when things first started happen. About her calling for help etc. Not in a threaten ways or argumentative. I simply explained how I felt and made me feel. I would support him helping her when its an urgent matter and anything that's related to their child but just not with being the handy man. He understood where I was coming from and apologized for lack of consideration on his part. And, when she called again over such a small favor, he kindly declined and advised that she need to learn to stand on her own. Also, stated importance of our relationship. The problem is, when one issue is being solved, there is whole new scenario. Yes, I can talk about it and we be ok. When another scenario happens, again, we can talk. In the end, no matter what scenario the main subject is the ex wife. I am afraid our conversation would become nothing but a gf nagging. And, that's last thing in my mind nor a person I want to become..........
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 It could be you have a ‘slight’ Passive Aggressive tendency running through your veins that may need to be looked at before removing yourself from the relationship?I suggest having a look at this P.A. behaviour on the Internet as it may explain a few things and give helpful tips to overcome this tendency… You may not even fit into this picture 100%, but there is something in your writing that resembles what you’re doing; e.g. I just don't want anything to do with him. I just want to void him and I shut down. He did nothing wrong yet he is being punished from me shutting down on him.Meanwhile the only thing you have to come to terms with is how to fix this reacting behaviour of yours and accept the Ex being in the picture for a long time to come? (College Graduation, Wedding, Births etc.) Yet she of course can ‘always be told’ firmly yet kindly not to come over unannounced, unless there’s an emergency, by your BF. She naturally, will have to adjust to her single status as anyone would in her position.I also see this as a case when your BF first gave an inch; his Ex took a mile… E.g. “she calls bf asking for a help if there is something to be done at her place. And, now she just shows up unannounced.” Sure enough that’s how anyone can start to invade our privacy, after which your BF is the one to set boundaries of her intruding no further.Just don’t bottle it up and punish him etc. as that only adds fuel to the fire within you… You’ll have to communicate your needs and express feelings in a more direct and calm manner. Remember too, she won’t be single forever either, this is a temporary glitch, as there’ll be someone coming along soon to fix her appliances etc. Keep calm :) – CAA
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (16 July 2013):
 This is not something you have to come to terms with. It's something you have to deal with and having the tools to do that will make the world of difference.If she calls or just shows up and it's a bad time for you, show the appropriate concern and ask her what the issue is. If it isn't life threatening (and it likely won't be) then you could set a time to call her back. If it's in person, then keep this conversation at the front door instead of inviting her in.This approach gives her what she wants (help or attention) while giving you what you want (the freedom to set your own terms for proving that help or attention). She is going to use whatever stragety works for her so make YOUR stragety the one that works for her. Don't reward her with immediate service the minute she calls or shows up, but don't appear to withhold help out of spite. Be firm but friendly and advise your boyfriend to do the same. Remember people respond more favourably when they think they're getting what they want so focus on what you CAN do. You CAN have your boyfriend call her after dinner or in a couple of hours. Your boyfriend CAN take a look at her car tomorrow night after work if he isn't too tired...etc etc...
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 I understand how you feel. It is a difficult situation you are in most especially because they have a child. do you know what type of child custody arrangement they have? Nevertheless i agree it is unacceptable for her to show up unannounced.Maybe you should tell her she is intruding when next she does that. since this is how you feel isn't it? this doesn't mean you cant still have a cordial relationship with her.You should also discuss again with your boyfriend but if he isn't doing anything about it then my advise would be to take it directly to her but in a sensible fashion.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): First of all, you are taking your anger out on the right person. He is the only person who can put a stop to it. First, you need to talk to him. Shutting down solves nothing. You have to have a heart to heart with him and make him aware of how this is bothering you. I used to be the same way by being passive aggressive. What happens is you will explode sooner rather than later by holding it all in and it will make it worse.
Tell him how you feel and make it a point that NO ONE is allowed unannounced. Not even the father of you're child. It's mutual respect. Best of luck to you.
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