A
female
age
41-50,
*ltesse
writes:This is a long one. I've been in a realitionship with my bf for going on 4 years, now. I'm 25 he's 30. Age is no problem. We have a 3 year old child, who is prefect. The timing wasn't there. Our worlds are sooo different. We've had so many ups and downs. More downs, it seems. Right now, he is out with his one buddy, it is past midnight, his is most likely drunk. I'm sitting here worry about him. See, this is the first time since football season, he has been out with his bud. And he has a huge history of drinking. It's bad, too. DUI's; I called the cops on him for hitting me last year; he almost killed himself, driving drunk and was lifelifted to the hospital, broken back, knocked out teeth, broken knee. That accident happened years ago, but with a daughter, and me you'd think he'd settle down a little. Nope! In the past when he's been drunk, knowing I was in the next room, he made out with another girl, his friend. Drove her home, and has sex with her. And he told me, he thought we were on the rocks. Recently, we were seperated, not even for a day, he got drunk at his friends birthday party,(a girl) had sex with her. And continued the relationship, for months. Meanwhile I'm being fathful to him, caring for our child. Don't get me wrong, I like to have a few drinks, too. But, he can't controll his drinking. He doesn't know when to stop. I do get on his case, for drinking, and I have asked him to go into counceling. For our future. But he won't. I think he's a bumb. My child deserves better! My question is, does anyone here think I'm acting stupid, or am I looking out for myself and my child? Would you do the same, if you were in my shoes. And if you are a kid who likes to drink, don't answer, please! Thanks!
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female
reader, Altesse +, writes (30 May 2007):
Altesse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, thank you all for getting back to me! All of you are basically saying the same thing. GET OUT, and FAST! I've tried. I've called homeless shelters and battered womens shelters. But they told me, that my daughter and I would have to move across the state. I can't do that. I would miss my family, to much. I don't have a job, because of an illness, so I went as far as going to the welfare office and asking then for housing. They told me it would take 3-5 years. I asked family and friends, but they all are married, with families. So, I stayed at my boyfriends residence, while he stayed at his parents home. That lasted for 8 months. And recently, we have been doing better together. But the intimacy isn't there. We just don't communicate, period. I don't trust him. but we get along. he is doing better with the drinking. But, I think he still needs to talk to someone. And out future is very dim. I really don't see myself with him. Thanks again for the wonderful feedback. It helped.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 You are absolutely right. He is abusive and you need to GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THERE. Please don't even try to stay and make it work. You have to take care of yourself and your child. Councelling will not help someone who is an unrepentant alcoholic. He needs to be in recovery, away from you for a year before he can (according to AA) try to work out his relationship with you. Until then, he is a danger to you, your child, all his other children and every pedestrian on the sidewalk. He needs anger-management too. You can't just stay there and tell him what to do, if he won't do it because of his weakness and addiction. You need to leave, please, for your own safety.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Hello Altesse,
This guy sounds like a sleaze and I think it's a smart thing to do to leave him. Not only would it be better for you, but it would definitly be better for your daughter. What sort of role model is she going to have while growing up with this man - he excessively drinks, physically attacks you, cheats on you, hasn't shown any signs of settling down, and it really doesn't seem like he will stop - he's almost been killed and that wasn't even enough of a wake up call! Not only would your little girl be subject to seeing you hurt by this man, but what's to say that he wouldn't hurt her at some point after drinking? If death doesn't bother him, do you think that a hurting a three year old would pose any sort of threat to his drinking?
Look - he has a problem and it's hurting you and your daughter. You need to get out of there. He doesn't even want to help himself, so it's obvious that his priorities aren't with his family (he'd want to shape up if he cared...at least in my opinion). You're right - your child does deserve better...but so do you!! This man is a bad father, a worthless partner, and doesn't even care. Get out of there!!
Do you have any friends or family that could help you move out? Do you have a place to stay? Perhaps someone could let you stay with them until you can get on your feet. You may want to read over what this website has to offer: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Also, this man sounds pretty dangerous - have you considered getting a restraining order? All you have to do is go to your courthouse, fill out a form, be seen by the judge and you'll most likely get a temporary restraining order. This usually lasts between one and two weeks. You'll be asked to come back to court to get a longer restraining order put in place - your boyfriend is also asked (but not required) to be there. The new restraining order lasts much longer.
So to answer your question, "does anyone here think that I'm acting stupid..." Absolutely not. I think your extremely smart and a wonderful mother. Please get out of there as soon as you can (also, you might want to ask some friends to help you move out while your boyfriend is not home - it could avoid a major problem and any sort of violence).
Take care and please write back if you need more help!
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A
female
reader, iagirl +, writes (19 March 2007):
 He hits you, he cheats on you, and then uses his drinking as an excuse for his bad behavior. How long before he starts abusing your child too? You are right. You and your child deserve better. I know that it's hard to leave, but think about where this is headed. It's only going to get worse.
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