A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know everyone means well, but everyone is making me feel like crap....My husband had an affair the 2months that he was doing this on the net and off, he became distant from me I dont believe it was the bad sex or because he felt bad for the mistress, come on now, it isnt because I gained weight I look good for my age of 43 I dont even look my age the woman he had an affair with was 29 run down and a crack addict,,he is a good looking guy but a nerdy I love him but he didnt even realize what type of people he was messed up with it was all an illusion from the internet I was the first and only woman he had been with now to the gentleman who said we lacked something sexual I do EVERYTHING FROM SWINGING OFF CHANDELAIRS TO ANY ORAL SEX HE NEEDS I wanted to leave him but he begged me to forgive him that it was a huge mistake me my sexual desires are lacking for him now I have to really syke myself up for him I remember a spanish young student I had in class with me tried to seduce me while my husband was having an affair I was disgusted and he is now on my mind 24/7 my husband screwed up a great marriage of 18 years he thought this woman was something until she turned on the lights and he saw her in the daytime she started blackmailing him, well I no longer feel like number 1 in his life and he is no longer my Knight in Shining Armour for now he is trying so hard to get my love back and I am trying, but people it is hard he is crying at times and asking me if I am ok he tells me he thanks God for another day that I am still with him, I dont want him to feel this way he watches me and askes me whats on my mind periodically,,,I am not going to leave him but I do feel messed up inside,,I wish I could have the courage to kill myself,,I have 2 kids,,I am not an ugly person,,I loved life,,things just look dark now..but I do Love him
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affair, oral sex, period, swinging, the internet Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): Thank you I feel good that there are people in the world who would take the time to help someone they dont even know through hard times, this is a good site, I have found it very helpful thank you all I have a glass of wine in my hand and enjoying the advice everyone has offered me.Thank You So Much Jaazmine.....:-D
A
female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (22 December 2007):
 Also, forgiveness does not mean 'stay in the marriage'. People seem to think that forgiveness means to go on as if nothing ever happened. That's not what it means at all.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, that others benefit from. It means to let go of the pain and anger. When you have truly forgiven him, you will feel no emotions when you think about this, it will play like an old movie in your head. You will be at peace. Of course, he would benefit from this because he is remorseful. If he was not remorseful, than your forgiveness would be of no value to him. But the peace that it will bring you will be of huge value. So yes, forgive him, but do not think that means 'stay in the marriage' or 'pretend it never happened' while your own emotions devour you from the inside, out.
If what the anonymous person says about kicking him out scares you, could that be a sign that it's the right thing? Very often the right thing to do, is the hardest thing to do. You know, after you've forgiven him and healed to a certain point, IF you wanted, he could court you and you could have a brand new relationship. If YOU wanted. You may never want him again. Either way, heal and find peace inside.
As for what is best for the children: they are watching you and will learn that dad put mom's heart through a meat grinder and very little changed afterwards or that great upheaval followed because of one person's act, and it affected everyone. What do you want to teach them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): As for leonard j. douglas' "common sense" and staying married for the children's sake, my adult sons wonder why I put up with my husband's abuse as long as I have. Since I had an emotional breakdown a couple of years ago and am on the verge of another now, I wonder, too. Do not let anyone guilt trip you. Although your pain is your own, and you are the only one that can let it go, your husband will forever carry the burden of destroying your trust in him. You may decide to create a new relationship from the one he destroyed, but that is your choice.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (22 December 2007):
I totally understand all your conflicted feelings and thoughts. They're all real and they're all valid. They're just so intertwined that you can't deal with one at a time. Each one needs to be dealt with separately. This is not something that you're going to 'get through' quickly. You are forever altered. The old you is gone. But there is a new you rising up and she's fighting damn hard to get through this and be a stronger, more peaceful, woman. You can and you will do this. We all have a different row to hoe, but any life worth living is a life of growth, which means growing pains. Fight for yourself, for the woman you are evolving into.
First of all, you sound very defensive of him and you. That gets in the way of you actually feeling your anger. There is only one way to let go of feelings: feel them. Negating them with rational thoughts does not work. Belittling them with excuses does not work. You have to sit still and feel it. It hurts. You'll cry. Alot. You'll let it go a little more each time, even though you'll feel like you're drowning in it.
I do think talk therapy would help you because a therapist could help you sort each feeling, each thought, and deal with each one. If this is not an option for you, or even if it is, journaling is a great tool. I use livejournal.com but there's a bunch out there. Or, you could just write emails to yourself and keep them in a private file. Or maybe you would prefer to actually write with a pen.
Suicide is not the answer. Yes, you are in tremendous pain and every bit of it is justified. Suicide does not end your pain, it ends YOU and creates a whole new pain for all the people that love you. Please ... if you have those thoughts ... call a suicide hotline and get help IMMEDIATELY.
As for loving him; alright. I won't argue with that. I will say that love is not always enough to save a relationship, though. It's WAY to early to even think about that right now. What you need to do is sort stuff and deal with it. If you and your husband live an authentic life, if you are real and do not hide in denial, one of two things is going to happen: either your marriage and the two of you as individuals are going to become stronger ... or your marriage is going to end (and you can both still become stronger) ... but you have to be real.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. ~ Rose Tremain
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (22 December 2007):
 From your post, I see his cheating affected you very, very much, which is understandable. It also seems to me that what he lost because of that affair will never be fully regained. You just can't see him in the same light anymore. You also lost, because the love you had is gone.
I think you are still in need of fully comprehending what you are going through. If you think you need to talk, we can help you.
Please, never consider suicide. You don't deserve to die because of his cheating.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (22 December 2007):
Life is about loving yourself long before you ever learn to love someone else. And as I see it your self-love has hit bottom due to His affair. For a woman,unlike us men, you can't turn on-and-off love like a faucet. And that love will always be there, but for the sake of you children,Please take a heart break, and use some common sense in what ever you decide to do about your Husband's affair.
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A
female
reader, kirsty_29  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Okay, #1, it's not your fault that this happened. Even though you are validating this time and again in your post it looks like you are still trying to figure out what you did. Stop. It was your husbands choice to be unfaithful and due to his own shit, not yours.
Are you sure you actually want to stay after whats happened? Are you ever really going to be able to trust him again? You should sit down and really ask yourself some questions. Can you be happy again in the relationship? You are right, affairs do ruin a good thing.
I understand that you love him, and you've said you have kids. Can you really forgive him? If you dig deep you will know what is best. 18 years is a long time, I wish you all the best and maybe you can overcome this, maybe not.
Kirsty
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): Please don't kill yourself. You are stronger than that. The reason that this is so hard for you is because you haven't had time away from him. I PROMISE you that's why. He does this to you and you have to look at his cheating face everyday since it happened. Of course that is going to take its toll on you. Right now you have to be reminded every single day of what happened simply because you have to see him everyday.
Look maybe you won't follow my advice cause you have already said that you are going to forgive him, but I KNOW how to make you feel better. I wish you would do this because it is so therapeutic and empowering. But just KICK HIM OUT of the house and break up with him and don't let him back in. Tell him to get the hell out of your face and that you never want to see him again. Even if its not true, but time will tell how you feel in a month. And be alone. Have friends over, CRY, be with your kids, just have no contact with him. Let him beg all he wants. Who cares?? Does he deserve this?? YES. So let him beg, and beg and beg. Just turn off your ringer. As for you just be alone. Think. Reflect. Come to terms. You can't do that when he is right in your face. KICK HIM OUT. You are going to have so much respect for yourself. And you are going to think back on him and feel so empowered. THAT is the first step. Its up to you.
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