A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling to get over a recent relationship break up because I feel as though it was all a lie and his words were just that - words.I used to work with my now ex boyfriend. We were in the same department for little over a year and in that time struck up a good friendship. We socialised outside of work but generally with a group of other employees. This man made it obvious he had feelings for me and told a very good friend of mine who also worked with us, what he was feeling but said he didn't know how to act on it as we were colleagues.To cut a long story short he eventually offered me a lift home from work one night and we ended up having 'the night' where you stay up talking all night, nothing more, just talking until 5am where we learnt all about eachother. This was when I realised that actually, I really liked him too. He told me a bit about his past, how only since starting working for our company had he grown up, before he had been unemployed for many years, living off his parents, his friends were a bad lot etc, but that he'd changed massively since joining the company and that was obvious to see, he was a true professional at work and I could never imagine him having the past he talked of.The first 2 years of our relationship were better than perfect, he was the perfect gent. We spoke about marriage and children, we went on holiday together. He always talked to his family and friends - often in front of me - about how he couldn't wait to marry me and said he'd liked me for so long and offering me the lift that night was a dream come true as he never thought he could get the woman of his dreams in a million years. I was on cloud 9.Then 2.5 years in, I discovered he'd kissed another woman and taken her number while on his friends stag do. No he didn't physically sleep with someone, but in my eyes it was cheating and I felt massively betrayed.From then on our relationship went downhill. He became moody and would question me every time I went out without him, it was almost like he was expecting me to take revenge in some way.6 more months down the line and we have split, things became unbearable and we argued over absolutely everything.Just after we split he got sacked from work, he had an argument with his boss and his boss told him to sort it out or leave and never return so he left. He has moved back in with his parents and his mother tells me she is already fed up with having to bail him out with money. He is socialising with the same old group of friends he told me about in the beginning. He has reverted back to an adolescent and he is far from the man I knew. He now says he never loved me, I was just a phase he needed to go through, and that he is now happier than ever. He has told his parents and friends - both his friends and mutual friends - that I cheated on him which I would never ever do. I really don't know how this has happened, I think back to a year ago when I was deliriously happy, but now its as if this man I fell in love with never existed.
View related questions:
at work, fell in love, money, on holiday, revenge, stag Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): He has very low self esteem.You were his way of making him feel worth something.He put you on a pedestal for that reason and he tried so hard to be perfect so that he would not lose you and would not return to having low self esteem.He tried really, really hard.He made one mistake - a human mistake that many men make. Because you had seen him as 'superhuman' until then, you could not accept this very human part of him, could not accept that he was less than perfect.He felt himself slip in your estimation, and felt his self esteem begin to drop.His insecurities about himself began to kick in and this showed in his questioning of you. He was scared and felt powerless.From thereon, he has descended into a downward spiral of feelings of worthlessness.He has gone back to 'square one' because this is, inwardly, all that he feels he is worth and deserves.You didn't love him. You loved how he made you feel. You loved the fantasy and romance of feeling like someone's princess. And you made him feel worth something.You are right. You did not know him at all. Probably he was so scared that, if he showed you he was less than perfect, you'd leave him.It's not your job to sort him out.But you never loved him. You loved the fantasy of yourself that he presented to you.And the questions that you are asking about him now, about who he is beyond the person that was making you feel amazing, are far too late in the day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): Successful recovery from a breakup requires that you discontinue social media followup, hanging out at your old hangouts, contacting him or his family; and getting on with your own life.
Your analysis of who is was, and has become is irrelevant. What is relevant, is that you concentrate on your present and future; and moving forward.
When people breakup, their lives become separate again. What you had in the past was real. For you.
His life is no longer any of your business. He has undergone some misfortune. Don't rejoice in his suffering.
Unless you take twisted pleasure from making his mother intimate painful details about her son, and knowing he isn't doing well since you broke up. I think it would benefit you more to move on, and allow him to become a faint memory. Don't dwell on the past.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Why are you still talking to him and his mother after the breakup??
Sure he existed, but he did something very disloyal at the party and the two of you couldn't get past it. His self-destructive behavior and subsequent denial of his part in things is his problem, not yours.
His behavior from the moodiness and fighting all the way to his meltdown after you left shows regret for blowing up his relationship with you and sabotaging it. Some people have a psychological barrier to happiness that subconsciously sabotages it. Financially, it would be like being successful, then knowingly bankrupting on a foolish decision that goes against every instinct that got the person successful in the first place. Relationship-wise, it's feeling like happiness can never last and that he doesn't deserve who he has, so the sabotage is the number and the kiss (or actual cheating for some guys).
All the crap he says now is just for his ego, and spreading lies about you cheating is also just for his ego. You should go no contact now. You're broken up, so what is the point of continuing to talk to him and his mom anyway? To do so is masochistic on your part, and useless. You need to move on now. You couldn't move on from his transgression, and you can't do it now and you need to.
...............................
|
