A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys! Well i need some advice with this... i have a 6 years relationship with this man and we have a 2 year old baby, i got pregnant while we were in college... he hasn't finished yet but i did, and now i'm working... he's studying and taking care of our daugther while i'm not home... recently he started complaining about my job, he says i'm not spending time enough with the baby and that my work and my career are more important in my life than them, he tells me i should quit my job and get a part-time one because we have some money in the bank and we don't need my job but i don't think that's a good option, my boss offered me to finish my thesis at work so i can get my degree; my boyfriend hates the idea... should i quit my job? i really don't want to, i want my degree, after that i surely can quit and look for another jobs... he wants me to quit now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Everyone is right, especially SageOldGuy - he is trying to 'reign you in'. I had a similar situation with my ex partner - after 12 years of being together I reluctantly moved in with him and rented out my flat, just until I got enough time to see if we could really live together. He CONSTANTLY went on and on at me about how my flat was draining our finances ...????? This was not only logically impossible - it was bringing money IN in terms of rent and property values were increasing, so it potentially could be a massive boost to our finances overall further down the line...it also indicated to me that he was capable of being completely underhand. He started to dominate everything that I did, not letting me make any decisions whatsoever in his place - not what we ate, when we paid bills, absolutely nothing. And on and on at me to sell my flat. I refused point blank. Fast forward and a few years later we were separated, I finally did sell my flat through my own choice and made enough money to buy somewhere mortgage free. Without him. SageOldGuy has really hit the nail on the head - it's something to do with them feeling like they are having their b**** cut off if the woman somehow has 'more' than them.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 NO NO NO NO NO!
do not quit your job because your boyfriend is a whiny two year old... you already have one.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Sounds to me like your "boyfriend's" testerone is acting up. HE is starting to realize that YOU are doing better than he is.... and it's tough for him to accept that....
I wouldn't dream of giving up a good and well-paying job for some guy who is a "househusband".... regardless of how he justifies your changing jobs.
You know the REAL motiviation for his behaviour? He needs to bring you "back" to his level so that he can take control over matters. THAT is "the beginning of the end" for the two of you... so why start?
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 January 2014):
 NO NO NO NO.
If you WANT to do great thing s for your daughter then FINISH your thesis and KEEP working.
He wants you to quit why? Because you got ovaries? Because you are female and thus should be at home with your child?
Keep saving the money in the bank. Talk to him about HIM finishing his education, your child can perhaps go into daycare while he is at school.
Why quit a job when you SPEND that much time WORKING your bum off at school to get your degree? Why waste all that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): What he really wants is less time having to take care of your daughter. I bet the moment you quit your job, you will be the one working and mainly childrearing. He will be off to his studies and sometimes helping around the house. Does he not see the problem of only one parent having a part time job while the other is unemployed? How will you sustain a living?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 To echo llifton, heck no ! You really don't want to quit your job ( which per se would be already a good reason for keeping it ) , of course some times one has to compromise and put her wants second IF there is a good reason or a good plan... but here the plan is to use up your savings without necessity, savings that might be precious in an emergency , or anyway ,if you don't need them now, they can be used for your daughter, her future, her education... and this for what ? Your daughter is not being neglected or abandoned, she has one parent always with her at day time, which is more of what thousands of and thousands of children can say. Many children of both working parents are entrusted to day care or creches. at 6 months old, at 3 months old ! when there's no other solution ( and often there is not )
It does not say anywhere that the on duty parent must be the mother, an unemployed student father will do just fine I strongly suspect that this pushing your guilt trip buttons ( " you don't spend enough time with our daughter" ) just means that he got tired of being a full time dad and wants to fob off the kid to you most of the time. And even if you were scrupulously correct and scrupolously even in sharing responsibilities ... in theory it would be fair, he'd be part student / part childcarer, and you would be too.
In practice, you alre alreday splitting work equally : you work outside the house, and he works at home taking care of the child. It's not YOUR fault if he took his studies at a more relaxed pace and has not finished yet while you did. It makes sense that since you are ( nearly ) done you'd go to work- if he wanted to be the breadwinner why did not he finish when you did, and go look for a job himself.
Plus, in the current shaky unstable economy , in most countries ( including the one whose flag you use, but maybe it's a fantasy flag ) leaving a gooj job without having another one already lined up, or at least having acquired the qualifications to get a better one . and living on " some money in the bank " is equivalent to sheer madness financially, unless of course you are filthy rich and you just work for personal entertainment.
But even so, most parents would be hesitant to dry up without necessity a reserve that their daughter could always use in future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): I am assuming that you like your job and that the reason you are writing in is that you are very uncertain about your partner's suggestions.
If that's the case, I would seriously suggest that you do NOT quit your job, especially if your employer is being so understanding about your studies and trying to do as much as possible to support you.
It sounds very much as though your partner is resentful of your job, and on the surface he has come up with these 'reasons' - ie. that you care more about that and your career than them. But I honestly believe that these are the words of a weak man and probably a jealous man, who is also trying to hide his weakness and jealousy.
My bet is that he is jealous and feels inferior not to be the main breadwinner and that he hasn't finished his studies whilst you have. Okay, he probably feels a bit neglected as many young fathers can do in the early years, but he needs to accept that this is the reality of father hood. His suggestions don't quite add up and they definitely don't suggest that he is mature and thinking over the longer term.
In the longer term it makes far more sense for you to stick with your job and show that you can cope with a child and a job and study - this is a massive indication of your strengths to a future employer. Your partner should be supporting this, not trying to undermine you by making you feel guilty.
Also, if you really do have some money in the bank, why doesn't he suggest that you get a childminder or nanny to care for your child some of the time, to relieve some of the strain on you - and on him, if he feels it? Then both of you could sit down and organise how to spend quality time all together, on the days that the nanny is not helping out.
He is trying to undermine you because he feels threatened. That's unless you really are a heartless, overly-driven careerist, which I very much doubt. You just sound hard-working and strong.
He sounds like he is trying to 'put you in your place' because this very dated stereotype of the woman/mother having to be at home still hangs around in some men's minds.
If he can't handle the situation then you could always get a nanny yourself and tell him he must pay maintenance to you and your child. It will be hard for a while, but over the longer term you will come out winning.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Hell no! Why should you quit your job? You didn't spend all this time furthering your education to NOT use it. he should try to realize this is the real world. He better get used to it.
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