A
female
age
51-59,
*irKMM
writes:I had my husband of 15 years to move out of our home because I discovered more evidence that he's having an affair. He moved out, but refuses to talk to me about anything. He's been doing this every time I try to talk to him. The isolation from our children started months ago. Now he's driving the other woman's SUV to pick up our children and living in her house. He gets a hotel when he has our children because I don't want them near the mistress. But what do I do? I feel so disrespect and disposed of.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): what did you expect would happen? You knew he was having an affair, you kicked him out of the house, and now are surprised and indignant that he moved in with her? what did you expect he would do? I would have kicked him out too, but that's because for me, an affair is a deal breaker, it means it's over and I don't care what he does or doesn't do from then on as I would have no interest in continuing the marriage so he can go sleep with whomever he wants as far as I'm concerned. But if you actually want him to choose you over his mistress, then kicking him out was not a wise choice. I say you should get divorced because there's nothing left in this marriage. He had an affair, and now he is 99% hers (the last 1% is just because legally you're still married to him.) The best thing you can do is try to move on and accept that it's over, and focus on how best to go about rebuilding your life and how to work out new arrangements for the kids. However, there's nothing you can do to stop her being around your children. Unfortunately you don't have a monopoly on your kids because they have another parent, which is him, so when they are with him he gets to decide who else they will be around. your husband has made his choice which woman he wants to be the significant partner in his life. Unfortunately he chose her. Since he is the kids' father, any woman who is significant in his life will also be in their life. I would say the best thing you can do is to try to work out as peaceful a divorce as you can, so that you can negotiate with him and have at least influence in what he does when he has the kids. If you antagonize him, he will just totally ignore everything you have to say. But if you try to cooperate, then maybe he will at least honor your wishes to not have the kids around her. I'm not saying you need to be all nice. He betrayed you. I'm just saying be business-like and keep all emotions out of it because this is just about the kids and what to do for them. If you can't do this in person, have your lawyer do it for you.
A
female
reader, GenieMil +, writes (21 July 2013):
Infidelity is tough, I know from experience. Sadly, you won't be able to stop your kids from being around her. They have a right to c their dad. Sadly, she will be a part of that picture too. Just hold your head up and know that no matter what, YOU are there mom and not that whore he is with. Oh also start that divorce. He'll be paying through his are in alimony and child support and won't have that much cash for her!
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (20 July 2013):
 Well, you DID kick him out. There's this odd belief in women that shaming their partners and kicking them out when they've done wrong will somehow make the man realize what a fool he's been. That does happen occasionally, but for the most part real life isn't anything like a Lifetime movie. If you kick out a guy who's having an ongoing affair, there's a decent chance he's going to continue to see the other woman. If she's available, then, as happened with your man, there's a decent chance he'll go to her.
It sounds like things are completely over for the two of you at this point, so my only recommendation is that you get yourself a good lawyer who can advise you in the steps you can take that will best benefit you as a mother.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 July 2013):
 Get a lawyer, document everything, start divorce proceedings.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (20 July 2013):
 Well, you kicked him out and he left. Now he's settled with the other woman.
I don't think there's much you can do about him anymore.
I think there's plenty that you can do about yourself!
Maybe talking to a counselor would be worth your while - talking it out with someone who is there to listen to you and guide you in the right direction, that could be of great value to you. It seems like you've been through a lot with this man, and to have it end like this after a 15 year marriage seems really tough. You went through this mess that your husband caused and now you're left with the emotional consequences.
i'd strongly suggest talking to a professional, who can help you deal with your own feelings, better communication with your ex and how to approach your children during this tumultuous time in your lives. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): It's really not a reflection on you- this guy has no shame and little integrity. Some people seriously are just emotionally stunted and dont think or care about hurting or embarrassing others. You can bet he's guna be away with another mistress sooner or later. I'm in the process of getting over someone who I made a pretty big fool of myself in front of, as I was pretty taken with him- at the time I was emotionally distressed and very unstable- and you know what? Compassion is a VERY important value to me and although i was still distressed for a long while after, (he knew i had quite extreme problems as we saw each other for a while) he showed me absolutely NO tact, no compassion or even reassurance. I am finally in the place now when I can listen to what my close ones say about them- - literally a wave of elated shock has just come, over me- why would I want to even KNOW someone who treats people like this? Let alone get upset over them. It's guna hit you and you're guna realise what an undignified loser he is and that he's just a fly that needs to be swatted! You have the wonderful gift of children and don't let him take up another millileter of your feelings! Lol xxTake care xx :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): There not really a lot you can do here.. Otherthan get a good divorce lawyer.. He doesn't want to talk due to the fact, he has in his mind made up his mind.. He has moved on ( the driving the gf car ) shows you that .. What can you do.1. Hold onto your pride .. Go see a divorce lawyer .2. Make sure that if he living with her, he has taken everything he needs from the house. Give him no excuse if things start deteriorating to claw his way back in.3. If your uncomfortable with the children at her home make sure you get that written into a contact order through the court.4. Go get a make over if you can afford , your hair done... Go out with friends and make sure your extend family realise you need support at this moment in time.5. Let him know you won't be walked over if he want out. He's out.. Take care.. Walk tall you are the innocent party here..
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A
female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt  +, writes (20 July 2013):
Firstly This woman is a disgrace to others. I think you should demand answers - do not make anything easy for him until he tells you the absolute truth. If he will not tell you then go to her fo find out. This is nt acceptable. You were married & you have every right to know the whole truth.
However, the truth won't be nice & you already know he is living with her. You should begin to heal as soon as you know the full story. Treat yourself & your kids... New hair / new wardrobe / new life.
In time join match, go on a date, see friends more often. Make some time for you & make sure when you have your date or your special time that your ex is prepared to look after the children.
Soon enough you will have a new exciting life with a new man that will make you feel 18 again & your ex will become your children's father & nothing else.
Don't ever forgive him for what he did. Treat your relationship as a business arrangement between you & the kids and move on. Xxxxx
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