A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We're both divorced. I'm in my early 30's and he's in his early 40's. At the top of our relationship, I thought we were both on the same page of finding someone again to commit to and get married. Neither of us have children.Recently, he's expressed interest in wanting to have a baby together. I also want this, but I'd also like to get married before moving forward with raising a child together. However, he's now hesitant to take the step towards marriage, but still wants children. It doesn't make sense to me, and he hasn't provided a valid reason for wanting one and not the other. However, he did say he's open to getting married if that would make me happy. I expressed that it's important to me, and that I don't want to move forward with raising a family without marriage. We left off with him needing to think about it. First, I don't really understand why a man would want to have a baby with someone, but not get married. Second, if it is true that he does want to move forward, why the hesitation? He's eager to get me pregnant, but not walk me down the isle? (I'm not even into the idea of big weddings.)Third, how long should I wait for a decision?I do dearly love him, but I realize that I need to see eye to eye with the man I decide to have a family with, and this is important to me. It's not about the big wedding, the rings, the financial security, etc; it's about the openly honest expression of - I want to spend the rest of my life with you; you're my best friend and greatest lover...let's outwardly tell the world about our love. So with that said, how long should I wait for him to decide? It's already been three months since we first discussed it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (8 February 2012):
Oh, and one additional thing...If you don't elect to stay in the relationship and "wanting to get married" is a priority trait for future partners, consider looking in the following places:1) Religious groups. Churches, synagogues, etc. that are within your own faith. The more conventional, the more likely marriage will be a priority for a man.2) Men from large families where the parents have been married for a very long time. Again, these men have the expectation that marriage is the expected state they should be in eventually. They also are likely to receive emotional support from their families for it.3) Recent widowers, especially after a long marriage. Unlike divorcees, widowers are both single and still see a value in being married beyond pleasing a partner. Yes, it's morbid, but also assuming you're not into a really young partner (who might want to be married and is single) or polygamy (who is into marriage, but isn't single) and have standards in men...As before, good luck.
A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (8 February 2012):
"To me, it's about being so in love with him, that I want to announce how I feel about him to the world. It's about the excitement and enthusiasm that I met someone that I'm truly happy with...that I want to love and respect until the end."Announcing it to the world and the implied (positive) feedback IS validation. Additionally, the expectation marriage to be different than the current relationship involves some sort of difference and that difference--traditionally--is derived from outside "support" or involvement."I am sticking to my guns...no marriage, then no children." Good for you."And yes, I do want to have children soon. So how much longer should I wait for him to make a decision? In my head, I'm thinking no longer than early summer...is that a fair amount of time? If he's still indecisive, then I will have to move on, which is a shame because our relationship is great, but this is something that I'm truly passionate about."If you want to find out what his final say is, it's like I pointed out: When he's not likely to change his answer anymore. Otherwise, make the decision when you are comfortable in your assessment of the situation.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (8 February 2012):
 If he doesn't want to put a ring on your finger, don't have a child with him. period.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 February 2012):
 I wouldn't have a child , just because he wants one now. If you don't feel ready, then don't have one.
Have you told him how it makes you feel and what your wishes are for the future? I think something as important (to you) needs to be agreed upon. You two NEED to be on the same page.
Even if his last marriage was a disaster, doesn't mean that yours will. He needs to live now and not in the past and CERTAINLY not compare you to his ex-wife and whatever she did. We have all had something shitty happen in our lives, but you can't hang on to it forever, unless of course you want to be miserable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDeathbunny - I have been married before, so I do know what marriage is all about. The reasons my previous marriage didn't work is because my ex became abusive, so I had to leave for my well being.
And the anonymous reader - yes, I inquired about this before...and at the time, I was pregnant, but had a miscarriage, which was probably better in the end, because of this unresolved issue.
I don't see marriage as an opportunity to change the relationship, or make other demands. It's not about social approval or religion. I don't care about the party, how big the ring is, or any of that commercial BS. To me, it's about being so in love with him, that I want to announce how I feel about him to the world. It's about the excitement and enthusiasm that I met someone that I'm truly happy with...that I want to love and respect until the end. He knows this is how I see marriage and why I want it.
I am sticking to my guns...no marriage, then no children. And yes, I do want to have children soon. So how much longer should I wait for him to make a decision? In my head, I'm thinking no longer than early summer...is that a fair amount of time? If he's still indecisive, then I will have to move on, which is a shame because our relationship is great, but this is something that I'm truly passionate about.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Where it comes to rights upon marriage and over children, as opposed to rights of single parents or people who just live together, I must apologise because I'm UK based and our laws are different.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2012):
Cindy cares is right.. problem is the OP did ask for reason about why a guy avoids marriage, so that explains the answers.
Bottom line is... do you love him, do you want marriage, do you want kids, will you stay and have kids without marriage or will you leave?
We can't make up your mind for you. Yes I remember you posting before, and you got similar answers. The fact that your back here and asking again, shows your not very sure about this relationship.
You need to make it an ultimatum if marriage is very important to you. You need to make him very aware that he might be losing you. Or you need to accept that for him marriage means nothing and he is willing to build a family life with you and some children.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 We can debate pro or against marriage until we are all blue in our face, or find out 100 reasons why a man should or should not marry before having children, it does not change that the OP only wants to have children from her legally wedded partner.
So, OP, I'd make it simple : stick to your guns , and don't worry about the hows and whys. You are the one who is going to carry the child and give birth, and you are entitled to choose the circumstances in which this is going to happen.
Maybe you both have been a bit dillydallying about the issue, or being diplomatic,- I think you'd better be open, loud and clear about it : no ring ,no baby.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): I think I remember answering your question a while back. I don't think this guy will give you what you want so he is not the one to have children with. You have a limited time to have children if you want to do that- at 35 your fertility drops rapidly. So I would end it and work on finding someone who wants what you want- a family and a true commitment- there are still men out there who want that. Ultimately it's best to only do this when the love is great. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (8 February 2012):
Honestly?
You wanna' know what marriage really is?
It's an invitation for everyone else to push and prod you on your behavior in your romantic relationship. Oh, and an added legal liability, just in case your relationship doesn't work.
That's what marriage in Western Culture is.
As far as children go, there are probably more laws governing the providence of unmarried parents than married ones. So--as far as a legal reason to marry for the kids goes--not particularly a good reason to marry. The only benefit generally is that mom's name matches the kid's name matches the father's name.
So--from what you describe--your significant other has his head on straight. His priority is his relationship with you ("he did say he's open to getting married if that would make me happy"), then kids ("Recently, he's expressed interest in wanting to have a baby together."), and somewhere down the list getting social validation and seeking approval for your relationship as well as having everyone else push you guys into behaving like "married people".
Your decision is this: How important is social validation of my marriage to me? and Is sharing the priority for other people to be involved in my relationship a deal-maker or breaker?
If social validation is a priority, you should wait only as long as there is INDECISION or FLEXIBILITY in his mindset. Once it's fixed one way or the other, decide based on whether his priorities match yours and it's a deal-breaker.
Otherwise, if you're waiting for him to change his mind, you'll be waiting for something terrible, traumatic, or life-changing that makes him find religion or need social validation to survive. (Like losing both legs or something).
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2012):
I really don't understand why guys don't marry either. From the reasons I've heard, it's all to do with money. They don't want to lose money if they get divorced.Pity really, as they are in a much stronger position legally in regards to their children. Single women have more rights over kids, single fathers have little to none. If he wants kids, then marriage will also benefit him. You could have a kid and then walk out and disappear at any time, he will have a hard time using the law to get his children back, it would be easier if he married.Also children like married parents, but they like loving parents best. It's always the different surnames that embarrasses them.. "Here is my mother Miss Jones and here is my father Mr Smith", bothers them a little bit when they start learning about family trees, and then bothers them again when they turn teenager and then they start considering what surname they want to use. But it's only a minor irritation if their parents love each other.Not sure about when you should talk about this again. But I wouldn't compromise on this. I would want the best for my kids, and if that means wedding, we got to do it.... if money is a problem then sign a pre-nup, if it's about the expense of weddings, then just get 2 witnesses and do it in the registry office and not the church and then go back to work.If he likes being married, you can do a big wedding later on in your life.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 February 2012):
 He's still shell shocked from the last divorce. He must have taken a major financial hit, hence his reason for wanting a child without a marriage.
You need to put your foot down. You want a child within a marriage. No substitutions or exceptions. If he's wanting a child outside of marriage, you're not the one.
If he wants to remain with you unmarried, then children do not enter the picture. If you're wanting children only in marriage and this guy is reticent, and you're feeling the biological clock, you may not want to waste too much more time.
This all boils down to how badly YOU want children, to be honest. If you really want them, then this might not be your guy. Stick to your guns about marriage first! Don't get pregnant hoping it'll make him marry you.
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