A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice please. I’ve been with my partner for 8.5 years and we have a young child together.Recently he’s been taking his phone everywhere with him. If he’s going to the toilet, he takes it, if he’s washing the pots, he takes it, he never leaves it lying around (which he used to do). He wouldn’t be bothered if it was on the table, in his car, in another room etc. We was in bed a couple of nights ago and I noticed a message from another woman, who I know he works with. He has a separate phone for work so why was they messaging on his personal phone. He recently entered the room on the phone to her on his personal phone, to which I asked ‘who was that’ and he replied ‘sales woman at work’. I asked why it was his personal phone and he said ‘so I can connect it to my car’ - but he can connect his work phone to the car as well as it’s the same phone. He has also started going to the pub a couple of evenings after work. At first I didn’t mind, work can be stressful, he enjoys having a drink. But last week I phoned him to make sure he was picking our son up from nursery as I was working late and he was in the pub. I asked him who he was with and he said ‘just some joiners’. 30 minutes had passed and I hadn’t heard from him or whether he had got our son, so I phoned again and when he answered I heard a woman laughing. I asked where he was and whether he was on his way to nursery and said he was in the car on his way. He either blatantly lied, or she was in the car with him. I’ve realised I have trust issues (as he has done this before, messaging other girls and sending personal pictures) but I stupidly forgave him because he apologised and said he wouldn’t do anything like that again. I don’t know how to approach this situation but I know I need to speak to him about it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2021): You have trust issues you say.....well you should.Get a baby sitter.Do not tell him. Go to the pub to surprise him.Then get in touch with a lawyer.Get child support.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2021): I wouldn't go so far as to believe you have "trust issues" for being vigilant concerning a man who has a history of cheating. He raises concern and suspicion by being so protective of his phone. Taking your phone to the bathroom is so unsanitary!!! Mystery-calls from women? What can I say? Driving to pick-up a kid after a few drinks at a bar? NOPE!!!
You have a kid together. That's a complication, because it's difficult for you to just up and decide to leave. You have to first seek some legal advice regarding child-support and child-custody; because these are the usual battlegrounds single-mothers find themselves wrangling through with retaliatory baby-daddies. You're suddenly on your own, and that discourages most women; because they fear being alone, or feel financially-insecure. They may not earn enough to support themselves and their children. Some fear they can't make him leave, or he'll throw them out!
Simply telling you to leave him is easier said than done; and we also have to take into account your feelings for this guy. There are eight years of history and emotional-attachment; but the most appropriate time to have left him has long past. When he was first caught cheating. Before there was a child (never think that's going to secure or strengthen ties in a relationship); you stopped trusting him when you caught him contacting other women. Somehow you must have thought you could keep a leash on him through close-monitoring; or maybe locking him down with a kid. That doesn't work without an ankle-bracelet and bodycam. When some women can't get a guy to marry them; they have kids to anchor the relationship. Without a divorce to get in his way, all he has to do is pack a bag and leave. Many don't think marriage is necessary; but it gives you enforceable rights and protections under the law. You have a fighting chance. Not always guaranteed, but it's better than no rights at all!!!
If you have a job, and you feel you're financially stable enough to support yourself and your child; then consider all your options. You will never trust him, you can't control him, and he will simply deny deny deny, and lie lie lie!!! That will literally sicken you, destroy your concentration, kill your spirit, and you will never have true peace-of-mind. It's psychological torture! I feel for you, sweetheart.
The choice is up to you. Leave or stay. Staying means going nuts, while he's possibly cheating. Leaving means you'll gain independence, find peace of mind, and you can start a new life. You'll have to put your survival-skills to work. You are young, so eventually you will find yourself someone better than the man you have. It's not easy, but smart determined-women come-out of this mess on-top. He doesn't have the last-word in your life. Don't let him drag you down to nothing. You deserve better than that. Whatever you decide, do it thoughtfully and methodically. Your kid is depending on you, and that's the most precious person in your life. Without even being told, you know your kid comes before yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 August 2021):
 I can't help wondering why, after he cheated on you the first time, you stayed with him and went on to have a child with him. It's not like you didn't know what he was capable of. The time to walk away would have been after you found out he was a cheater.
Now you - totally understandably - don't trust him. To be honest, even without having "previous", his behaviour is highly suspicious. Going from not caring where his phone is to never having it out of his sight is a sure sign something is going on, but you already know this.
You can't carry on living like this, wondering what he is up to. (Let's face it: you already have a damned good idea what he is up to!)
Put your child to bed, then tell him you two need to talk. Tell him his sudden obsession with his phone makes you feel he is back to cheating. Tell him all the things which wave huge red flags at you (the contact from the woman at work, the going out for drinks every week). Try to stay calm and discuss your concerns rationally. I doubt anything he says will reassure you though. I also doubt you will ever trust him again. Not that he actually deserves to be trusted (going off the content of your post).
What you now have to decide is whether you want to spend your life worrying about what (or who) he is doing, or whether you would be better off on your own and, hopefully, making a fresh start with someone you CAN trust. The ball is in your court. Only you can make that decision. Personally, I think you deserve better. What do YOU think?
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (5 August 2021):
 Your trust issues clearly eminate from his past history of messaging other girls and sending personal pictures.
Once someone has lied, betrayed someones trust its very hard to believe that they won't do it again. Even tho he apologised and said he won't do it again there will always be that element of doubt as to whether they are upto their old tricks again.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, once the trust has been broken the damage is often unrepairable.
Can someone change after lying and betraying someones trust?. I always say that if someone is capable of betraying someone one time then they are more than capable of doing it again, leopards don't change their spots- in most cases, and he is not doing an awful lot to install your confidence in him.
I think that you need to have this conversation with him and get things out in the open.
If you feel like your never going to be able to trust him again, always looking over your shoulder, wondering where he is, who he is on the phone to, these feelings are soul destroying and unhealthy, and your best option would be to leave him and start again.
...............................
|
