A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HelloQuestion: My GF wants me to delete all my pictures of my ex. Erase everything completely. I love my GF very much, but I don't want to do this and don't believe she has the right to ask this of me. She is very hurt though and finds it difficult to continue. How can I help make her feel more secured? I try to show her she is number one, but somehow insecurities get the best of her and we always argue about this.History:I met my GF on Halloween. Before I met her, my ex and I broke up a couple months before. We had dated over a year and a half.When my girlfriend and I started meeting, I didn't expect it to turn into a relationship. But we both grew to love each other more every time we met and became serious. Everything seemed cool.In January though she suddenly was angry at me. I went to hang out with one of my ex's friend (female). We made the plans on facebook walls and there was no secrecy. My GF found out about this and was upset. I was confused how she even knew this person was a friend of my ex. I told her about my breakup and my ex, but never mentioned names or anything.Turns out she went through all my facebook photos and found out who my ex is (there are maybe 10 tagged pictures of us alone..I nor her never tagged them). Then she probably found this girl also cause my ex and her were very good friends.At that point my "crazy" and "jealous" radar went off, but I still wanted to see my GF. Jealousy aside, she is an amazing woman.Since then however, there have been constant fights about my ex, with my current GF constantly accusing me of still holding feelings for my ex. I made some mistakes on my part; I read my ex's blog a couple times after starting to date my GF. When confronted I told her the truth (she nearly broke up then) and told her I wouldn't do it again. I haven't.Recently she has started to demand that I delete photos. A long time ago I deleted my facebook account, but I even reactivated it just to untag photos and then deactivated it again. I deleted photos on my laptop. However, I have a hard drive with photos on them and she wants me to delete them as well. I refuse to do this.She says that I am selfish and do these things that hurt her all the time, and that I am not considerate of her feelings. I understand how she is hurt by my decision to keep them, but I don't think she can order me to get rid of pictures that belong to me and my past. Nor am I very selfish boyfriend; I give a lot in this relationship and accept a lot of difficulties that come with seeing her.Having her constantly talk about my ex did make me think for awhile whether or not I still have feelings for my ex (current GF and ex are VERY different people), but searching helped me understand I just want my current GF. I am worried because it seems like no matter how hard I try, this woman is never satisfied.Female perspective especially appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): First of all, I think you need to really think about why you don't want to delete those photos. There are several possibly motives. The first is that you don't want to lose records of a year and a half of your life, that the memories are still important to you. This is fair enough. The second is that you're being stubborn and simply refusing to do what she asks because you're not great at dealing with conflict. The last is that you're not over your ex.From what you say, your motives are mostly number 1, but possibly with just a dash of number 2 thrown in. The problem is that your girlfriend is ascribing your behaviour to number 3. I'm not justifying her jealously, but your meeting with the ex's close friend would probably raise eyebrows with most women!So, basically, you need to start offering more reassurance. Sit your girlfriend down and explain that you love her and only her. Tell her that you simply want to keep the photos as a record of the past, not because you have any feelings left for this woman, or because you want to look at them privately, or anything like that. Say that you realize that she is feeling jealous and insecure and that you desperately don't want to hurt her... but that there also needs to be some trust and some faith in the relationship. Then suggest a compromise. Buy a cheap harddrive or a USB stick, copy the pictures onto it in front of your girlfriend. Then lock the pen in a small cashbox, or other receptacle. Then delete the photos from your harddrive. Then, present her with the key to the box and say something romantic about your trust in her, your desire to make the relationship work, and her having the true key to your heart. I realize that this is quite elaborate, but don't underestimate the value of symbolism to women! Hopefully this will represent a highly significant and romantic gesture for your girlfriend - a sign of commitment to her, and a signal of the rebirth of trust between the two of you.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Well she does sound jealous and insecure, but you are not helping the situation at all!
First of all - meeting up with the ex's friend and organising it through Facebook. Yes you did not hide it, but you clearly did not tell your girlfriend about it either. Before you started posting your arrangements on Facebook you should have told your girlfriend you were going to hang out with a female friend. This is just common courtesy - if you are spending time with a friend of the opposite sex, alone (just the two of you) then the first thing you do is ok it with your partner, rather than sorting it out through Facebook and then your girlfriend eventually finding out. Telling her first would have solved the entire problem in this case.
As for the photos - why do you want to hang onto them? I dont get this holding onto pictures of ex's, you are not with her anymore and have no intentions of being with her again - so why do you need to keep the photos? If you are adamant you are keeping them this will just be sending massive warning signals to your girlfriend that you cant let go of the past and let go of your ex.
Yes the past will have some good memories, and there is a small argument behind not erasing the past - but there will be other photos of you from that time with people who are still in your life - family and friends etc, so why is that one person so important? Why do you need the reminder of her?
I personally always remove all photos of me and my ex's from Facebook, my computer etc - yes they were a part of my life but I can remember them well enough in my head if I need to, I dont need to cling on to visual reminders from the past. I see no valid reason to hang on to them - and I'm sure your girlfriend will be feeling the same way about you and your photos.
So if you really want to help her - just get rid of the photos once and for all. And in the future, if you are hanging out with female friends then tell her first before you make the plans and are broadcasting it to the world. She should be first to know, rather than having to snoop on you in order to find out.
Yes she does have issues that she needs to work on, but she wont feel the need to snoop if you are honest and upfront with her at all times. If you explain to her what you are doing and you want to make her happy and if that means getting rid of the photos then so be it, but she needs to work on trusting you too and trying to control her jealousy.
She has issues - but if you give her nothing to be jealous or upset about then these issues will gradually lessen and wont be such a problem in your relationship. Just be a bit more considerate towards her and tell her everything first before you talk to anyone else, then she cant get mad at you because you always come to her first.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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