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Help! My wife found out about an affair I'd rather forget, how can I get her back now?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 25 June 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, *damn im screwed writes:

F*^ and ! Sorry for my language but everything is horrible. The woman I had the affair with some how found me on the internet and sent me a message. Say how she wished the night ended differently and how even. Though it was only a couple mintues she enjoyed it. My wife read it . And all hell broke loose. She won't talk to me nor look at me she just ignores me she moved into her moms house and took our three month old baby girl. With her. I've begged for her back and kept tellin her how sorry I was and. How much it was a mistake and how it was only because I was stupid enough to let my urges get the best of me. I've called her twelve times today and she hasn't answered any of them. She found out two days ago. Its ironic how it happens just right after I asked u all for help. Then she finds out. She asked me about it after she read it and I told her the truth. About all of it. And she just cried. I never seen her cry so hard. Her face was red . I feel a hundred times worst then I did before she found out cuz now I don't think ill ever get her back. I've already been tested and all and I don't have anything. I want her back so bad. Please someone help me...

View related questions: affair, moved in, the internet

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010):

I hope in time things work out for you Time will decide, maybe give her some time to hurt and be angry.

If you are meant to be together so will it be, if not then there is a hard lesson to carry forward into your next relationship, don't cheat. It's not just the sexual act it is the deceit that hurts and lies will always spell trouble.

Stay calm and know you have made a mistake WE ALL DO, it's human nature but mistakes should not be repeated. I wish you both well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010):

Ifyou really regreted it you would have confessed to your wife and tries to make it up to her understanding she deserves someone better, which she definatley does. I feel bad for your wife.not you. You don't really Deseret forgiveness.

You don't deserve her. Moral here is don't cheat, you caused this your self.

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A female reader, kayla20 United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2010):

kayla20 agony auntyou have to take responsibility for your actions its her call now whether shel take you back or not is another thing.ofcourse its going to hurt her she wanted to have a happy family with you and your daughter not expect to find out you have done the one thing that could of distroyed give her some space if i was you maybe give her a text explaining how words cant describe how sorry you are and it was the worst mistake you have ever made in your life and will never do it again just grovel and tell her that you love her always will and will give her the space to think and to contact you when she is ready to talk send her flowers whatever you can think of to make her feel better i mean she must be feeling quite insecure at the moment finding this out when she onli had your child a few months ago good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010):

My friend was cheated on by her husband 8 weeks after having their child. She kicked her husband out. A week later she gave him another chance and he moved back in. Trouble is in your case...SHE has moved out. Therefore to come back to you is more unlikely. Give her a few days space is my advice - stop ringing her she will just pull further away. Give her time to think. Above all else... I'm afraid you are going to have to respect her and let her decide. Ironic in the face of what you have done but you have no rights really - other than being able to see your daughter. You don't need us to tell you what you have thrown away - trust being the main thing. Your wife carried your baby, gave birth and shared the love with you throughout it. This is something many women dream of and when you have your dreams shattered it can be unfeasibly painful. Please give this woman her space. It might be better for you to write her a letter if you can in a few days time. I hope you two can work it out because it is such a sad situation and I can tell you deeply regret your actions. You are not the first cowardly man and you won't be the last to cheat on his wife at such a vulnerable time in her life. That does not excuse it in any way.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (21 June 2010):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntYouWish has it right, as usual. It's possible your wife might come around once she's had some time to reflect, but don't count on it.

And this is really a case-study for married men everywhere! if you're going for an adulterous quickie, do it with a sensible, discreet woman. (The preceding is not to be taken as invitation to PM me and ask for my number).

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A male reader, Sorcerer United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2010):

Previous posters are right. You messed up big time. Gotta live with the consequences of your actions and focus on your daughter.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2010):

Life can be a bitch. Just as you think you're in the clear and you've paid for your mistakes, it comes out and that's it. In a flash, it's over. What a mess. However, there are three things here that offer a glimmer of hope to an extent, though clearly not much.

First of all, it has only been two days. Even the 'experts' (scientists and all that lot) have said that something like this takes at least two weeks just to process. So she needs time to take it all in and get all that initial anger and hurt out. Maybe, just maybe she will be able to think more clearly in a few weeks or months.

Secondly, for what it's worth you did come totally clean about it. Which I do applaud, because some would have continued to lie. Again, maybe when all this sinks in she'll think about it.

Thirdly, you do have a child together. So as YouWish says, be the best Dad around. On time, always with the child support, work. You have the chance to be a great Dad to your child if nothing else.

She now needs time to come around. Which means you're going to have to have patience. She may never come around. But she might. If nothing else, be a brilliant father.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010):

You are F*^ and !

Considering how she cried at your revelations and how they tore at her heart and broke it it is highly unlikely that you can return things to the state when ignorance was bliss and she had deep respect for you in her mind. You have destroyed the idealized image of you she had created in her mind and it cannot be restored to its pristine condition before you broke it.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (21 June 2010):

YouWish agony auntYep, you're screwed. You devastated her beyond anything she's ever felt in her life. And there's nothing you can ever say to change it. Your relationship, as it stands, is over.

You have a glimmer of hope though. You must transfer all of that love onto your three month old daughter. Become the poster dad with the child support, the love and the relationship. Be the best dad any kid has ever seen.

In time (and there will be a LOT of time) there might be the possibility of starting over again. But that's what it is, because she can never trust you again, and there might not be any reconciliation for you, and if there is, it will take years and a lot of work from you.

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