A
male
age
36-40,
*lancy2010
writes:So I guess I will give a brief description of our relationship.My wife and I were mutual friends before we started dating in 2004. She was 19 and I was 21. She had a 13 month old boy that I immediately bonded with. We were crazy in love, like nothing I had ever imagined before, and I knew that she was special. We mutually decided to take the plunge and get engaged after two months of dating, which I know is fast. I decided to set a date to get married which was 8 months later, so we were marride. After we were married my wife became pregnant fast, but it was planned. Our marriage was happy, but we did not get a chance to really spend a lot of time together as a couple. After my daughter was born my wife seemed very depressed, mostly because for the first time she wanted to go to school and ended her job which was the main income for our family. I started to work full time and go to school at night to support us, but this is where the fairtail began to end.I resented her for quiting her job without us mtually agreeing to a set time, she basically made up her mind. Looking back at it she deffinately made the right choice, but a real problem had started. She felt that I did not support her in her schooling, which is understandable, but I tried to show her I was thre for her. She began to go out and drink on the weekends with her friends, and since I am more of an introvert I allowed her to have fun while I was home with the kids. This started to bring more resentment as she would say and do a lot of things that hurt me. I made a very poor choice and flirted with some totally randeom women online, which a few years ago I guess I was just looking to make a connection with someone, I never wanted to cheat on my wife. She found out and was furious. I attended some couples therapy with her which seemed to help, but she never forgave me.Last October on the night of my birthday we all wen out, and I got super drunk. I flirted with my bestfriend's girlfriend, which furiated my wife. I would have never done it sober, and I was unhappy that my friends would allow me to get so intoxicated. I seporated from my wife over the holidays, then after about 3 months she asked me to move back in.SO this gets me to the current crux of my relationship.Five weeks ago my wife asked me to seporate again. I could see that she had been unhappy over the past two weeks but I did not know it was because of our relationship. Ever since we first seporated after my birthday I did and tried anything I could think of to show my wife that I am dedicated to her and our family. I have been unemployed for 18 months and in school full time, so I have little time to spend with her.She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it seems that she is taking outall of the stresses of her life out on me and our relationship. Her good friend just moved back to our area around the time of our seporation, and she just left her fiance, so I feel like her being around has made this whole situation much worse, since she and my wife can talk about how horrible their men are, although I am actually a really sweet guy and a great father.Really, I want to save my marriage, but I feel like it is hanging by a thread. I am trying to give my wife space, but it is hard to stop showing someone affection when they have been in your life for almost 6 years. Should I continue to support her and our family financially, emotionally and physically even though I am not getting any love in return? How long should I wait, and show I contemplate leaving her?I really do love my wif and family, but the pain I feel is unimagionable. I feer that she will cheat on me, use me or just continue to hurt me, and even if we work things out she could just do this again...HELP
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 May 2010):
 If you truly love her, you must walk that extra miles for her and to love her without expecting anything in returns.
You need to cultivate such an attitude in order to win back your wife.Are you willing to pay that price or sacrifice?
Short of that, you will need a miracle to save your marriage.
There is hope only if you can change and do what is right in her eyes even if you don't agree with her.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 May 2010):
 I'm sorry to say that I see no hopes here. Do the best you can.
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A
male
reader, clancy2010 +, writes (17 May 2010):
clancy2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. This has been pretty hard for me over the past five weeks.
I feel like the next few week are going to be critical and I hope that I can give my wife the break that she has been asking for. Whenever I try to talk to her about our relationship it tends to turn into a fight, so I decided to start staying at my mother's place at night to give my wife room to breath. I know that she is upset or has feelings that she no longer wants to be married, but maybe if she can get over any angry or resentful feelings we can begin to reconcile.
Really if I want my wife back this is my only option. We havent had sex in two weeks, and it is getting pretty tough for me. We had a fight about two days before she wanted a seporation where I said something mean, but I never felt I could loose my marriage over a harsh remark, I feel that my wife has huge isses with forgiveness.
Our relationship has been pretty unbalanced over the past few years, and I dont want to be neive and let her totally use me if that is what it comes to. I want to give seporation a chance.
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A
male
reader, riv +, writes (16 May 2010):
I agree with the previous post that you married far too young and this is the result. There are so many posts on this site ( such as men aged 40 wanting sex outside the marriage ) where that is the root of all the problems.But you are where you are and the main thing is how you go forward, whether together or apart, and if the latter who do the children stay with and how do the finances work ??You need some serious intensive couples therapy I would say with a view to either saving the marriage or deciding it cannot be saved and working out the best basis on which to separate. God help the kids but they are going to suffer whether you continue in an unhappy marriage or whether you separate. Good luck though. You sound like a really nice guy, though of course we are not getting your wife's side of things, which might be different. Sweet of you to take on another man's kid - not many men are up for that.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 May 2010):
Supporting the children is not optional, not just legally, but morally. Your wife could hate you but you've been a father to her kid with another man and your kid with her, and these two children are innocent of whatever happened. So, that's not an option.
Her asking you two to separate again is very bad news. She tried to make the relationship work again, and it's not working for her. I think you should have a very, very, very frank conversation with her.
It seems to me that you married too young and the problems are showing. You two grew apart.
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