A
male
age
36-40,
*oeU
writes:My girlfriend and I of two years broke up about 2 weeks ago. We started dated pretty early in sobriety I had a year at 23 and she had 6mnths at 20. I know it was early. Anyway we had a really good relationship for a long time, we kept our programs as seperate as possible and had a lot of fun. A few months ago we started aruing a lot over her not wanting to move in with me all of a sudden, then she told me she might want to persue this guy from school if she wasn't in a relationship with me. We decided we would work things out, we had a really good week and then fought about this guy and us being together all the time at then end of the arguement we decided we would stay together and play where and when we stay together by ear. I suggested that she write down all of her doubts about our relationship talk to her sponser and then we would sit down and work them out, she agreed saying she truly wanted to be with me. That was a friday then sat. she said she was going to dinner with a friend from work to meet her when I got off work. Sunday came and I noticed a password on her phone something that was unusuall I asked her to be honest with me and if she was hiding something, she said no. We argued some more then I went to work. When she called me that night to work things out she told me she didn't want a relationship in her life right now and that she had dinner with the guy from school on saturday night. We met at my house to talk and I forgave her and wanted to work it out, she then said she had plans with this guy the next weekend, and she would think about it. The next day we talked and she said she just couldn't do it anymore and that was that, and I was heartbroken. We saw each other at an AA function on sat. night and talked for about an hour about things, she said she just wanted to be friends for now. Then we danced and hung out all night, and even joked about sex, it felt just like old times, at the end of the night she took me home and she let me feel her up. I had never been more confused, during our conversation I asked her if she would make me two promises the first to just take this time to work on her (since that is what she said she wanted to do) with no dating or guys and the second was to call me when she was ready to date again, She said she would. The thing is during all of this I have done some serious inventory and read drop the rock and realized how controling (even though it was not intentional) I was during the past couple months I feel horrible weither she went along with it or not I should have been able to see it. The bitch of it is, is that now I see that this was probably the reason she left and now that I have owned these defects and have begun the work to correct them all I want is another chance. It really hurts to think I might not get one I truly love this woman with all my heart. So tonite I wrote her a letter saying my part in our relationship and how I want another chance. Should I send it? I have been praying a lot and honestly the days just get longer, I want her to see how serious I am about changing and how badly I want this second chance, What should I do?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Send it, you dont have anything to lose. What's the worst that can happen? She says she doesnt want you back - but then you are in no worse position than you are in now. And you never know, she might give you another chance!
But I hope you are not basing your life and your actions on something you have read in a book? I understand that while self-help books can be useful, they shouldnt be taken literally. You need to go off your gut feelings, what feels right in your heart and also you need to look at other people's behaviour. The problem with a book is that they generalise to all people - do you really think your situation is the same as the other few million people that have read the book?
This girl has treated you badly and whatever you did in the past while you were together, she still should not have ran off to another guy while she was with you! That is not acceptable behaviour, in any relationship in any circumtances. It is acutally quite typical that you are blaming yourself for the break-up when she is at fault here!
You sound very mature and sensible in everything you have suggested to your girlfriend, and it seems you have really tried to work things out. No matter how hard you try, you cannot change the fact that she went out for dinner with another man behind your back. She claims she doesnt want to be in a relationship, but I bet when she talks to this other guy she is not saying that to him! In essence, she has gotten a bit bored of being in a relationship and deicided that someone else is what she needs to make her life exciting again.
No matter how much you try and change yourself, or try and improve yourself to win her back; you cannot change her or her attitude. I dont think you should even try and get her back, she doesnt deserve you after what she has done to you. I bet you would never dream of going near another girl because you are so in love with your ex, whereas she has already found herself the next man to move on to until she gets bored of him too!
I hope you do the right thing, and do what is best for you not her. If you do decide you want her back, she should feel very lucky not the other way round. She should be the one begging for you back here; and if she isnt then maybe it is clear that she has moved on so you need to move on too.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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