A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So let me begin by saying, that I am a very open minded and sexually liberated person, and I'm usually the one causing others to blush. The guy I am seeing now however...So I have begun dating this guy I met online, no where in his profile does it mention how freaky he likes to get in bed, if he did I may have reconsidered ever meeting him. Regardless when we first met we just clicked completely, seriously it was the best first date I ever had, we were just going to have lunch and ended spending the whole day together driving around and going on an adventure. He made a few references to being kinky on our first date but I kinda held that thought until I could feel him out better, plus kinky is subjective term to me, for all I know he might have thought he was king smutpants because he likes anal, y'know? But because we clicked so well and I am very open about most sexy things I told him in like the first 20 minutes of us meeting that I was a former phone sex operator, and believe me, I have heard everything! Being a paid phone actress is one thing, key word is actress, so I guess he just assumed I was into a lot of the things I was acting. I even mentioned occasionally musing about being a pro domme since the money sounds sweet. But the key thing here is that these are things I would do because I am being paid, its a whole 'nother ball game when it comes to the things I want to do with and to someone I am attracted to and care about. So like the third time we ever had sex, while we were having sex I noticed what had to be a handcuff key on the bed. I asked him if that was what I thought it was, (handcuffs I think are fairly tame), as we are still screwing it all comes out, he's REALLY into bondage, he rolls off a list of all the things he has in his treasure chest, and it was quite a list. He wants me to dominate him, he has leather outfits, he likes getting fucked in the ass, he wants me to treat him like a slave.... so on and so forth. Handcuffs I could handle but everything he was telling me was quite frankly a turn off. I told him his tastes were a bit extreme for me and he just complained that I was too vanilla. Even though I am open about sex and did work in the adult industry for a few years, yes, me personally am pretty vanilla in bed. And I'm OK with that. But he wants more. I'm not unwilling to try, but I want to start out light, he acts like I should just dive right into it, and it makes me so uncomfortable. The first and really only time we tried anything I was so uncomfortable I had to get really drunk, but he was so excited to try anything, in fact I would say he was elated. He had this leather harness outfit thing and handed me a riding crop and just sort of expected me to take it from there. I had done phone calls as a domme, but never did anything in real life and never expected to. BDSM is really a very general term, there's so many flavors too it, I wanted him to define what it was he wanted, but he basically just kept telling me I was in charge. I don't know if he is into humiliation, because honestly I would have loved to tell him how fucking stupid I thought he looked. I proceeded to be mean and bitchy, and gave him a few good whacks with the ridding crop. I know there's generally more play and etiquette to this stuff than just hitting someone willy nilly with a riding crop, but I was drunk and nervous. He whined about how mean I was, but I’m not sure how much of that was play or him actually complaining. He said he's not really into pain, but while we were having sex that night I scratched him up real good and he told me if I was to leave any marks on him do it in places he could easily see in the mirror. D'faq?We never really got to discuss that night, I stopped seeing him for a bit, he lost his job and was too depressed to do anything for a while. He found a new job and we just got back together. We have had “normal” sex, and plenty of it, considering that we haven't known each other that long. He's the kind of person I feel an instant connection with, we make each other laugh all the time. We have so much fun, and he's so cute, my only hang up is his fetishes. I have tried to explain that 1) this isn't what I'm really into and 2) despite that I am willing to give things a try, but I want to go slowly. But he's not really getting it. I want to so badly discuss at length what his needs and expectations are, but just mentioning the subject gets him too excited and just wants to start doing it. If I am going to do this I see myself being a sort of bitchy, mean, slightly sadistic domme, and with a bit of financial domination worked into the mix, since he does make quite a bit of money and I know he gets off on the fact that he makes 6 figures. But I don't know if that's what he wants. When I try to picture myself “dominating” him, I like the idea of tying him up and getting him real excited only to leave him helpless and horny as I help myself to his credit card and did some online shopping in front of him. Denying him sex the whole time while I called him names, since I think he looks so stupid and pathetic in his little outfits. But would that upset him? Would taking his credit card be a huge violation of his trust? Would he actually become insulted if I called him names? Was that not he idea he had at all? I mean we haven't even discussed safety words or anything? How can I get him to slow down discuss all this without him creaming his pants with excitement? And how can I get him to understand that this is a compromise and I still want “normal” sex too?Sorry if this was too long, I'm just trying to be thorough, I'm hoping people in the scene can give me their two cents. Thanks for reading.
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depressed, drunk, got back together, horny, lost his job, met online, money, phone sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 August 2012):
 You can't eat Steak every meal. Most days you just have Cheese burgers. Right now he is like a kid in a candy store. He thinks he really can handle eating everything he sees.
#1 Safe words. Write them down and hand them to him before you start.
#2 Talk to him about what he wants when he is sexually satisfied. Usually right after you have sex with him.
It seems to me that you really like being with him and you are willing to satisfy his needs. So do your research so you can do it well and safely.
It's o k to have limits. Right now he needs someone to impose those limits on him.
Remember that although he is submissive, he always has the power to leave. You are not a true Dominant. It's just a role you are willing to play. So the ownership thing won't be a problem for you.
Also remember that the meal isn't over until everyone gets their cookie.
All relationships are based on quality communication. Each session should have a followup review. What did you like what wasn't good. And both of you need to give information on those questions. At least until you have a comfortable pattern for both of you.
That's a start. There are some good self help books out there. I just can't recall a title.
FA
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 August 2012):
 Hi
Mishmash is right.....
However if he's turned on by you restraining him, while your hammering his Credit Card online, I could see how he would be quite a catch, though it MAY be seen as prostitution by some
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (18 August 2012):
 That was probably the funniest post I've ever read on here. You think being mean and a dominatrix is tying him up and calling him names while using his credit card to buy stuff. If you didn't mean for that to be funny I'm sorry I laughed so hard. I get the impression that you don't really like him, like the dominating crap is just too much and such a turn off that you actually would like to be mean to him (by saying how stupid he looks) but not in a sexual mean way like he wants. Granted I'm not too familiar with all that dominating stuff, I doubt that being actually mean and bitchy is the right type of bitchy, even if it's funny. Probably my humor because I'm kind of mean. Anyhow it's far too weird and you should just let this one go. Sex is a big part of a relationship and the fact that it disgusts you and makes him look so pitiful but he's super into it.... Probably won't work. I couldn't do it. Would be awesome if it could work where u could insult him while buying yourself things and he enjoyed that...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): If you're so uncomfortable doing this stuff that you have to get drunk or you have misgivings about using his credit card, learn how to say "no."
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 August 2012):
 Here's my 2 cents:
When two people seek to begin and continue in a "relationship" they must have several compatibilities. Some of these are: appearances, energy level, interests, activities, (there are still many more...) AND sexuality/sensuality...
While some compatibilities can be compromised or overlooked, I think the sexuality/sensuality one is paramount to the success of that relationship. FEW are the couples who can successfully engage in a "non-sexual/sensual" relationship over the long term....
You have described a situation wherein you and this guy have some compatibility of S/S expectations.... BUT HE has a range of needs/preferences which you find unacceptable. THEREIN is a fatal incompatibility to your prospective, continued "relationship." Soooo, YOU need to make the choice of either figuring out how to compromise with him about this.... OR, you need to confirm that you and he cannot bring this in to concert, and you (and he) must part ways...
Good luck....
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