A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years and for the past year and a half I've felt that we were ready to get engaged and begin the next step in our lives together. He however, wasn't so sure. Fast forward to now and we moved in together three months ago as he claimed he'd feel more ready to commit to our relationship once we had. However, since then he's told me in no uncertain terms he doesn't want to get married anytime soon - he's prepared to get engaged, possibly even have children but he hates the idea of having a wedding and being the centre of attention. For the first half of our relationship I was needy, insecure etc, however, I was able to shake myself out of it and make what I (and according to others) believe to be a complete 180 and am now 100% happy with myself; however, despite how self-assured he makes out that he is, occassionally he slips up and I get the feeling he feels intimidated by the idea of being married - as though it would require him to change or become a provider etc. I truly believe I am a real catch with a lot going for me, we both have good jobs and good lives, so should be in a position to be married; and I feel like I am a huge asset to him, so do I stay with him when marriage isn't on the cards anytime soon - despite my wanting nothing more then to be married to him? Or do I cut my losses and perhaps accept that for whatever reason, he isn't going to give me what I want? I don't just care about myself and want him to be happy too, but it can't solely be at my expense as it'll only affect us both in the end if we aren't able to reach a compromise. I want to get married in a couple of years, but he wants to wait at least a few years and I know I can't wait that long if I'm being true to myself as my disappointment will only manifest itself in other ways in our relationship - even if I try not to let it. Please advise me if you can!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): if a guy isn't 100% psyched about getting married to you after dating for almost four years, then he is not the one. i know it's cliched, but i read "he's just not that into you" and i think the writer has a point. if a guy has dated you long enough to get to know you inside and out, that you've lived together and you are ready to get married, then if he is the right guy, he should be ready to get married too!
i can't imagine putting that much effort into a relationship and then having the guy act like he's unsure, wishy-washy, and hesitant after all that time, then i would not put in another minute because he is not the one. 4 yrs is long enough for someone to make that kind of decision.
unless you want to wait it out and see if he'll come around, then go for it. but if you are ready to get married, think you are a catch and have improved your own life, then you should keep up the search. maybe you've grown as a person but your bf hasn't. so maybe you've outgrown him and don't even realize it. just sit down and take some time to think about if you want to keep working on this relationship.
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