A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm so exhausted, my marriage has been terrible for years but I am trapped in it.I cannot leave due to our 3 children (if I left we'd be homed in another town, I cannot uproot my children like that) and financial circumstances, whereas he could very easily leave me. But he chooses to stay.I am merely the unpaid housekeeper on top of running my own business, I'm so tired of working and working, he gets parties and fun in his job. I know all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, and it does. But all this work, making me boring, is because *we* had children. When do I get my turn to have fun? He still gets in my bed despite cheating, he won't stop. I don't know what to do. I'm a woman, it's harder for me to find anyone else again. Men are still sexy when old, I'm not. He's using my life up for his own convenience. Why can't he let me go to have some life of my own before it's too late?He doesn't even see what he is doing is wrong. What do I do? I'm sick of finding evidence (I don't look on purpose because it's a horrible feeling) here's nothing I can do to stop it) of his cheating. He's not exactly discrete so it's there in my face when his iphone messages pop up when I'm sat next to it for example.He's making a fool of me. I have to pick children up from school knowing some of those women he's been mucking about with. I can't hold my head up high.But it's apparently all my fault. *I'm the one* who wants him to leave. He says it like I have a choice. But I can't force him to go. It's the 21st century, how bloody ridiculous.
View related questions:
trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miserable2  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Well it is sad, but at least I see I am not alone. How can I be so stupid? I have lost my family and all my friends over my husband. And I too, thought I could not leave for financial reasons, but reading all the responses has given me some inspiration.
This is a tough situation-and like everyone I am left thinking: How can he do this to me--after everything i have done for him?
Wow, that really sounds stupid now!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Thanks, I will try. I can't face another christmas like the many before hoping life will get better this year.
I miss sex so so much. That's what I don't get. I've always been the one he wants it more. That felt pushed away, that was more adventurous. He's a different man with them. He talks dirty and everything. He refused with me. Made me feel ugly. I've lost my 20s. Now I've got stretch-marks and nobody will want me now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Okay, you have a goal. Get your husband out of the house. What do you need to do in order to achieve this? You need to have a plan, and it sounds like instead of looking for the things you CAN do, you are stuck in the mire of things you CAN'T do.
So, now, start to take the steps you need to take in order to get him off the tenancy. First contact a solicitor specializing in unpleasant divorces and explain the situation and the end goal. Presumably there are legal steps you need to take in order to achieve this. I don't know what they are, you have to ask an expert.
Don't be the housekeeper for him anymore. Do just enough to keep the house out of squalor, don't bother with his laundry or ironing. If he leaves his shirts and socks lying around, throw them into a closet and let them fester there. When he has nothing to wear, maybe he'll start to get the message. In the meantime, it's one thing off your 'to do' list. Of course, you still have to pick his things up once but after you pitch them into the closet (sorry, cupboard for you in the UK) you are done with them. Tell him where his things are, so he can deal with them as necessary.
Cook food for your children and take this time to go on an extremely healthy diet. He, of course, is welcome to eat either meal but you don't make anything special for him.
He gets in your bed? Um, I do hope you throw him out? He needs to be tested for STIs and I expect you might as well, if he's managed to contract one. Buy the biggest vibrator you can find and tuck that next to your pillow if you are feeling sexual.
Look, you have to empower yourself. Figure out what you want to happen and then find the steps you should follow in order to make that happen. You need what we Americans would call "a game plan." You don't have one.
So step one is getting the plan in place.
Start documenting everything, keep a log, and hide it well.
Right now, you have a victim's mentality. You have to change that to a planner's mentality. What do you need to do? I don't know, I'm American, the rules are different over there in the UK. Citizen's Advice Bureau, maybe? If I were you, I'd be making an appointment with the best divorce attorney my friends recommended. You just need one appointment to get that game plan.
Good luck to you and best wishes for your children.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Sadly there is no house to get, we rent and both our names are on the tenancy which means I can't force him out. We lost our house a few years ago when he left his job (and didn't tell me)....it's not just the cheating I'm sick of. I was taken to court once for a bill I had no idea about. He hid the post. But it's all my fault still. I make him do it apparently.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Lots of questions OP.
Go talk to a lawyer. I bet you could get the house in the divorce. Then he would have to leave and if he didn't you could take legal recourse.
I do know an autistic boy. I've known him all 16 years of his life. I know that stability is very important to autistics, but I also know they can sense tension and unhappiness. If you realize it or not, you are likely giving him vibes of your discomfort, anger, fear, jealousy, and sadness. It probably makes him sad that his mom is never happy, even if he cannot express it to you.
How do you tell your husband? Tell him you want a divorce. That ought to get him listening. If you don't create any consequences for his actions, then he will be content to ignore you because there will never be repercussions.
...............................
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Alright. You're really set on not moving. But you say he has a job, yes?
Are you home most of the time? Any chance you could, lock him out of the house, and throw his stuff out?
...............................
A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (16 December 2010):
despite your whole story witch i sempathize
and feel for you
but i am 34 and i often find middle aged and even older women
very sexy
i have seen sexy women in their 50's and 60's
so age doenst realy matters these days
dont loose your confidence because you are still very young
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): What I need to know, perhaps from men, is how to talk him into leaving. I see questions here, men asking wives to take them back. They may have cheated but at least they take responsibility and leave.
I can't even afford to leave, it's a big job on your own to move a whole house of people. Whereas he could stay with his Dad for a while and give me space. He did wrong, why should the children and I pay even more for it?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I don't know if you've ever known a child with autism, but it would really break him. The place we'd be moved too (I have looked into it) has schools not great at providing for special needs children.
I can't be that selfish even if my husband can.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 December 2010):
"Really I'd feel so guilty if I took them away from their schools. One son is autistic and life is stressful enough for him, to take him away from the support he currently gets and his dad at the same time. I couldn't live with that. They would hate me and blame me for taking them from their friends.
I've even tried pushing him out the door, I'm not strong enough. I can't force him to leave. Believe me I've tried!"
More excuses OP. My cousin is autistic, to top it off he has AML Leukemia. Life often throws shit at you. How covered with it do you have to get before you stand up for yourself?
File for divorce. Your kids may be mad, but they'll understand when you explain the affairs. And you SHOULD explain the affairs to them.
The longer you stay for "the sake of the kids" the more you'll grow to resent your kids for "keeping" you in a bad situation. Nobody is to blame here but you. File for divorce and kick him out. Then, you can get the police to drag him out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Ok...well if he won't leave, then why don't you leave? I know it is hard to leave someone you call yourself being in love with, but if you are tired of his cheating behavior, you must do something about it...you can either stay and put up with it, or leave. You are putting up with his cheating at this point, thus he isn't going to leave because, he knows he can do it time and time again and there are no consquence. for his behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (16 December 2010):
Dirtball says it all. These are just excuses. Of course your children are going to be mad, BUT THEY'LL GET OVER IT.
I bet your children would feel so AWFUL and GUILTY, knowing that you're living a miserable life to just keep them happy.
You need to just leave, they'll make new friends, children move ALL THE TIME, and they get used to it.
You're going to be stuck there, miserable, making excuses, because clearly you don't have the guts to leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Really I'd feel so guilty if I took them away from their schools. One son is autistic and life is stressful enough for him, to take him away from the support he currently gets and his dad at the same time. I couldn't live with that. They would hate me and blame me for taking them from their friends.
I've even tried pushing him out the door, I'm not strong enough. I can't force him to leave. Believe me I've tried!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): if you do want a divorce or just leave him, start it slowly. sleep in a different bed for a few nights and see what his reactions are. if he doesnt say anything, stay sleeping in that different bed/couch for a while.
if you can, take the kids on an inexpensive holiday, (e.g. camping)without your husband for a while. if you get a divorce, he will probably have to give you money and you could tell them that he has been cheating and made your life a misery for years.Dont let him keep you down!
Hope this helps, good luck!
:)
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 December 2010):
You are making excuses. I just read paragraphs of them. You can leave. Don't blame your kids. He does it because you let him. File for a divorce. My sympathy is only extended to those who help themselves. You're not doing that. Divorce him, kick him out, and get child support. If you're not willing to take those steps, then you have no right to complain about your situation because you're not doing anything to change it. You'll only matter if you make yourself matter.
...............................
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Is it such a big deal to move to another town. You won't be trapped for ever because the children will grow up and then you will be absolutely free to do what you like. In the meantime you need to tell him you want a divorce. The courts will make him leave because you have to keep a roof over your childrens heads until they are 18 and he has a responsibilty to support that,so he can't do anything about that. Go and see a solicitor to see what your rights are before you make any decisions. he is treating you like a dormat and you have rights, you just arent aware of them. Be strong.
...............................
|
