A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My question could possibly be viewed as spoilt and childish but it matters to me so here goes. For a long time I have wanted a baby with my new husband. He already has three children and doesn't want anymore children. He made this clear prior to us getting married but yes I thought i could win him round! Anyway, he has a 7 year old son and the child's mother is very difficult and protective of him barely letting him out of her sight. I do not blame her for this and understands how she feels. We are due to go away for half term and the only way the mother will let her 7 year old come is if I ring her and explain to her that i am capable of looking after her child. By trade I am a doctor and have two children already. My husband has asked me nicely in a number of ways if I will do this as he wants his child to come on holiday. I do not want to talk to this woman and I don't want to ring her. I refuse to do this because I do not feel inclined to help my husband with his child with someone else since he won't have a child with me. I understand this comes across as very mean and spoilt but in a way I want to prove my point. i just don't feel inclined to do it. My question is do you think this is really terrible behaviour or can anyone out there understand why I feel the way I do and agree that although its not acceptable behaviour it is at least understandable.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (2 November 2009):
 Thanks for the update,
I think it is incredibly sad that an adult will use their child as leverage to get an opportunity to abuse someone, as some sort of twisted revenge. Of course we suspected this because we see it all to often. I think a period of reevaluation is just what you need. When you are i a relationship you get the whole person, baggage and all.
It is tempting to say "don't let her win." by leaving him she is using you to punish him. But you have to look out for yourself. She and the child are part of his baggage, and are not going away.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update really. After reading all your views and feling a bit mean I took the bull by the horms and rang the mother. She swore and screamed abuse at me and anyway the upshot was that she allowed the child to come with us for half term. It was truly terrible and the child behaved like a spoilt brat for the whole week. That was bad enough but his father did absolutely nothing for him with me being left to do everything with the child from washing, dressing and feeding to playing with while he just sat there or went to sleep. I felt taken advantage of and horribly used. I have gone back to my old house for a while to escape. One of you said that 'things have a way of working things out' and that was a very acute answer because this experience has put me off ever spending any time with his existing children and never wanting a child of my own with him. Thank you all once again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank all of you for your replies. They are all very helpful. I have discussed the situation yet again with my husband and have explained my reasonings as to why i won't call the mother of his child. He doesn't like it, but says he understands but I can't do something I don't want to do. Dr Psych's comments were spot on - I am bitterly resentful and doubt I will be able to get over this. i am actually contemplating moving on as I feel totally alienated by him. I had no idea the urge in me was so strong to have another child. This situation has brought this to the fore so in a way I am grateful. Thank you all once again.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 September 2009):
 I don't think this is childish, but rather behaviour motivated by deep seated resentment towards your husband. I think you should call the mother as I think her request is reasonable and the boy should not be punished for all the problems in the adult's relationships. He is the innocent in this whole mess.
You have two choices with your husband - trick him into a baby through an accident or just accept no more babies. As a health professional I am quite sure you know that mother nature may prevent you from extending the brood at 40 something and you may need ovulation drugs at least. I think you should see a colleague for a check-up before going forward. No harm in running some hormone checks like LH, progesterone etc...see how you are doing fertility-wise. I cannot advise you to trick your husband into another baby as this is a personal choice...you have to decide if you would still want a baby with him if he left you as a result. You also should decide if the marriage has any future baby or not - if your resentment towards him has delivered a fatal blow to your marriage then it would not be a wise move to make a baby with a man you have come to loathe.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (22 September 2009):
So, love and patience didn't work. Now you are trying blackmail? How is this going to improve your relationship.
Strangely, after saying that, I do have some sympathy for you. I often have to "deal" with difficult customers. People who want unreasonable concessions. I hate it. I will put it off as long as possible. Who likes getting on the phone and getting yelled at. Eventually I select a calm quiet time where I can be alone with the phone and make the call. I talk quietly and am very clear about what I am willing to do. Usually it goes well.
So I understand your reluctance to make the call. You should be very clear that you will accept no name calling or other verbal abuse. What I don't accept is your using this as a lever against your husband.
By the way, to the other posters: Her husband knew that she wanted a child with him before the marriage. That issue will have to be decided as well but I agree that this is not the time for it.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): i doubt very much that your husband will change his mind but, you are already blessed with children.
I do not agree with the ex wife expecting you to ring her up and explain that you are capable of looking after her child for a week. Does she not trust that your husband/childs father is capable either? afterall he will be there.
My ex wife has no problem in allowing my child to stay with me and my wife for the sole fact that she knows as long as my child is with me she will be looked after and safe. though had she asked my wife to call her to 'explain that she was capable of looking after her' i would have been insulted, my wife would have refused point blank and i wouldnt have blamed her. she has an issue with you, its not about her child. maybe she still has feeling for her ex?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 September 2009):
Oh dear. This is a bit of a mess, isn't it.
Firstly, you'll never win him around. He doenst' want any more children (I'm sure you understand this now anyway)
However, this does not mean that you have to ring up his wife to tell her you are capable. Your husband should have the decency to be able to stand up to his ex wife himself. I'm not sure what to suggest, but I would say that your husband needs to be a bit tougher. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): WHO IS 7, YOU OR THE CHILD?You HB did not lie to you, you knew that he did not want any more kids. you acceoted this. in fact you have 2 of your own already so it is not like he is depriving you of anything. yes, you sound spoilt, selfish and even a bit pigheaded. if you behave like this with a child, no wonder he doesn't want a child with you. (sorry, i am being hard). You need to do a lot of soul searching and make peace that you both will not have any more children. think about both your ages. you may be hurting that he doesn't want more kids but this is no way to behave. sorry but i cannot condone your behaviour. i also feel as a doctor you should know better.
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